coffee

i had the unfortunate experience of having to answer nature's call right after buying a piping hot cup of coffee. and it wasn't the call to take a piss... i knew i had a giant diarrhea coming. i think there's some unwritten rule that in public bathrooms, everything you touch is unclean, i.e. the bathroom floor, the toilet and consequently yourself (hence the handwashing). but it would have been a waste to throw away my coffee, which i need to transform me from a brooding hater to a peppy, inquisitive grad student.

so i walked up the stairs of the student union to this hidden bathroom that's always empty. but this time the door to the bathroom was wide open and there was this homeless guy washing himself in one of the sinks. this was unacceptable for several reasons. firstly, whether in front of a homeless guy or a barack obama, i was ashamed to be seen bringing my coffee into the stall with me. i can write about it ex post, but at the time it was just too weird. secondly, i knew i was in for a monster dump, and since the bathroom door was wide open i felt kind of insecure... i mean the only good thing about this bathroom is that it's hidden, so proclaiming to the world my bowel explosions wasn't what i was going for. and lastly, i was scared that the homeless man would do something to me. so i left.

today must be opposite day because then i checked a more popular bathroom and it was empty. to my surprise and delight, even the toilet seat seemed clean; clean enough to place my bare bottom sans a toilet-paper shield. i put my coffee cup on the flat part of the toilet (like the part attatched to the flusher) and dropped an efficient yet explosive diarrhea. in that time a few people walked in and out, but whatevz. they did their own thing, i did my own thing, and they had no idea i had in my stall a perishible food item i planned to consume later. i waited till everyone left to walk out of my stall with a coffee cup and a banana (oh yeah i had a banana), knowing i probably looked like a dude walking out of a starbucks... except it was out of a bathroom stall. washed my hands, checked myself out, and quickly left. mission accomplished.

so here i am, sitting in the student union, drinking my coffee. hopefully particles of diarrhea didn't float into the small slit at the top of the cup or latch onto the insulating sleeve. WOW! and look who just walked by! it's the homeless guy from the first bathroom. i should buy him a cup of coffee.

in conclusion, i broke the no-food-while-pooping rule and i'm alive and well. let's buck this social trend and accept one another, in defecation and in life.

cool chris

ever since freshmen year of college, there has been a certain persona that has haunted me from afar.  the embodiment of this persona changed as the years went by, but still i was haunted by its real and constant presence.  when my friends first noticed it, they aptly named it "cool chris" because we didn't knew the real guy's name, not like it mattered.  cool chris would become a fixture in my life.  he was at times hipper, more artsy, more atheletic, more successful, more popular with the ladies, or more liked by his peers.  at all times he was cooler.  

here is the list of cool chris's that have tortured me these past five years.  i may be suppressing others in my subconscious, so feel free to remind me of any latent cool chris's.

The Precursor to Cool Chris:

i officially met pete in my sophomore year in an electronic music class, but he began to haunt me long before then.  on several occasions as a freshmen, random strangers would come up to me and begin a friendly conversation.  we would talk about this or that, and i thought maybe i was making a new friend.  but at some point in the convo, i'd realize that this person has no idea who i am and must be mistaking me for someone else.  sometimes it was a reference to that awesome party we supposedly went to last weekend.  sometimes it was the "seeya later, pete!" at the end of the convo... in which case i couldn't correct their mistake.  

"so what are you doing this weekend"  

"umm...  just hanging out, the usual."

"haha yea right.  u crazy pete.  later!"

"??????"

as i mentioned, i finally met pete in my electronic music class.  i told him a few of those stories and he laughed, saying that a friend of his mentioned a lookalike on campus... except he didn't have any stories about how my friends would randomly approach him by mistake, leading me to believe i had significantly less friends than he did.  anyway, he was a business major and he produced music on the side for local MCs in the atlanta area.  some of the compositions he made in that class were sick.  

the reason he is the precursor to cool chris and not the first cool chris is not because he wasn't cooler than me, because he was.  it's because he began to haunt me before the name was invented.  that, my friends, happened towards the end of freshman year...

The Original Cool Chris:

his real name was jimmy but that hardly mattered.  to me and my hallmates, he was and always will be Cool Chris.  he was tall and skinny and of course asian.  he had long flowing locks and skinny ass jeans.  he embodied the look i was going for, and he did it effortlessly.  he was some sort of creative arts major, i think drawing.  he was an artist with mystique; moody, brooding and unpredictable.

he lived in the hall next door but we didn't cross paths until second semester freshmen year.  actually, he probably doesn't realize we crossed paths, and he probably has no idea who i am...  but anyway, i met a cute girl in my biology lab.  she was short and asian and had some life in her voice.  bio lab ended pretty late, so we walked back to the dorms together a few times.  she wanted to be a doctor and was stressed about grades.  she seemed charming, warm and secretly hip.  what i didn't know was that she was dating someone...  someone by the name of Cool Chris.  

my friends knew i had the hots for her, so they did some recon for me.  they saw her hanging around with this taller, hipper version of me and reported back that she probably has a boyfriend, and that i have no chance.  he simply beat me at all my strengths and we shared the same weaknesses... that we were both brooding and skinny and awkward.

glimmers of hope came to life when i heard stories that their relationship was dwindling.  i heard he smashed his roommate's phone for answering a call during a movie or something....  anyway, instead of manning up and "shaking the tree until the golden apple falls down" as one friend puts it, i wrote a song about how she's probably in an abusive relationship.  my fans know it as song 21.1:

why i can't date cool chris's girlfriend, or song 21.1

Three wisps of your hair in the wind

Press against your cheek

The soft sunrays delight in finding

Golden fields of harvest wheat

Two eyes now rise to see

Impressions of a fading dream

Of fields untouched by other men

And warmer rays by softer suns

Of golden rays by golden suns

A breath of air through my lungs

Push against my heart

Stripped and naked to the core

Beaten weak onto the floor

You love him like a lover’s chore

You never walk out of the door

Your warmth is my regret

That dreams of old could die

My impressions of what could have been

Of old stories untold

The Return of Cool Chris:

on leaving atlanta, i thought i could recreate myself and form a fuller, more confident version of me.  chris 2.2 perhaps.  gone were the days of crippling insecurity and misplaced priorities.  old ghosts, and great memories, would stay in the past.  but as it goes, there are no second acts in life... and Cool Chris is here to stay.

so there's this girl i think is cute.  like the original Cool Chris's gf (who by the way, was referred to as just that for several years) she seems smart and hip.  sometimes i see her at the cafe i study at.  i think one day my glance caught her eye and since then she's made it a point to bring her boyfriend with her whenever she comes.  i thought he was a goofy motherfucker when i first saw him, but that only made it worse when they started making out.  maybe they just started dating and are crazy about each other, but it was pretty gratuitous.  i'd like not to think it was him doing it to spite me, to remind me of who the Cool chris really is. 

if i compared this new cool chris to me at my prime, when i actually had some semblance of a life, there would be no contest.  but i think he's returned to remind me from what heights i have fallen, that this asian, who isn't even skinny and hip, has outdone me in the girl department.  because of that, i recognize him as that old ghost, the same guy who had more friends than me, the guy who had the girl i only hoped i could have.  the Return of Cool Chris.  though maybe he never left.  maybe he never will.

the return of cool chris, or mishka's cafe 1.3

hallowed be the open seat or table

or occupied in half so as to share.

porcelain left waiting does beleaguer

to claim the open space she might offer

and hope that one, that solely i recover.

common grounds invite to all awaken

and oil for the erudite to burn.

behind the clink of coffee mugs and glasses,

the gentle whir of muffled words 

like soft blades spinning as a fan above

or quiet whispers beckoning to join.

on empty days there are no reasons, thus

on nights when orange lights glow warm 

and patrons pour in

empty hopes take longer to remember, that 

her lips have touched the claim atop her table

and in return an impasse comes to claim her.

interesting questions

i'm going to try to compile a list of interesting questions one could ask another.  they're not universally interesting....  their relevance depends on who ur asking and what you think is interesting at the time.  anyway here goes:

1)  where were you when MLK got shot?

- of course you need to ask this to an old person.  it's a cool question on several levels... for one, it gets the person to start answering in a narrative, and it's always cool to hear old people tell stories about their lives.  secondly, it gives u some insight as to that person's values and experiences as they pertain to race in america.  thirdly it's an awesome way to remember the legacy of one of the greatest americans of all time.  

2)  have u ever got hit on?

- i just asked a friend this and she gave me a pretty cool story.  she was at the library and asked a guy to watch her stuff while she went to the bathroom.  when she got back (she must have been taking a dump), her stuff was gone, so she went to the front desk to inquire.  lo and behold, her stuff was waiting there for her, because the guy had to leave and wanted to make sure her laptop and books were looked after.  relieved, she opened her laptop and inside was a poem for her and the guy's number.  A for effort and creativity.... but ultimately he failed.  

3)  how long does it take you to get dressed in the morning?

- ask this to a girl and watch her spout half-truths... "oh, usually not that long but i mean, sometimes it takes me a little while, but that depends on blahbalhblahbalh."  it takes me two minutes to get dressed...  but i wear the same thing every day.

4)  do you like california?

-  if the person says "yes", the conversation will get boring really quickly.  but if the person says "no", then it's clearly because of californians.... cuz everything else about california is verifiably awesome.  then, you will know this person is awesome.

- another question you can ask is, "have you ever lived outside of california?  how did you like it?"  it kind of gets to the same thing.

5) how can they make women's basketball more fun to watch?

- if you've ever seen a women's basketball game on ESPN or something, you'll think you're watching high schoolers.  no knock on women, but they just don't move as fluidly as NBA players, and the game isn't as beautiful to watch.  this question walks the fine line between sexism and utilitarianism, since suggestions for improving the entertainment value of women's basketball usually presuppose some physical advantage men have over women.  i had this conversation with an ex-femenist today, and after i suggested they lower the rim to allow women to dunk, she said, "i'm getting really pissed off at you right now."  yikes!

6) do you think white people could ever understand barack obama's speech on race?

- if the answer is anything but "no", what you'll get is an uninformed, defensive attempt to downplay the impact that race has on our lives as individuals and in society.  if the answer is an emphatic "no", what you've got is someone who's been humbled by the impact race has on him or her and how it invariably defines people in ways too deep for us to realize explicitly most of the time.  

- the trick to this is it applies to white people as well.  if they answer "no", then either they're just honest and self aware, which is great.  or, they understand their place in american society as people who may never understand, but can always try to, which is cooler.  

7) what's worse - a self-righteous liberal, or an intolerant conservative?

- this question is awesome, but if you live on a college campus you're probably going to get a defensive answer.  i think you need to ask someone who you can't describe as a self-righteous liberal or an intolerant conservative.... so self-righteous conservatives and intolerant liberals are fair game.  my answer to this is that a self-righteous liberal is worse, even though in the end i probably agree with his/her views.  i'd much rather hang out with an intolerant conservative and just bear with his or her political or social stance.  (self righteous conservatives drive me crazy though...  think ann coulter)

8) do you like the rain?

- most people will answer "yes" because rain is romantic, but the next time it's raining, find that person and ask them again if they like being soggy and wet.  ask them if it's cool that they can't go outside without an umbrella and galoshes.  i guess rain is cool if you're a farmer and you need it for your crops, of you're in a desert and you're dying of thirst.  otherwise, rain sucks.

ok that's all i got for now.  any thoughts?  interesting questions? 

the worst songs to listen to when you're trying to concentrate

1) Lil Wayne - Workin Em

This is probably the most offensive song in my music library... too bad it's really catchy.  It's nearly impossible to do homework, read a book or do my prayers while listening to it.  

2) The Magnetic Fields - fido your leash is too long

most of my tunes are mellow and depressing, so when this kiddy-sounding song comes on, it always knocks me off course.  i either have to stop what i'm doing and endure the whole thing, or go through my songs and find something else to help me forget the stupid stupid intro.

3) justice - stress

"stress" was probably created to prevent people from enjoying their music.  it's sole purpose is to ask yourself why you have this song in your library, and get frustrated at the fact that you haven't deleted it yet.  but aside from those things, it's a decent song.  

americana for the people

1) fleet foxes - ragged wood
2) iron and wine + calexico - prison on route 41
3) teddy thompson - down low
4) gillian welch - red clay halo
5) red house painters - another song for a blue guitar
6) bonnie "prince" billy - lay and love
7) wilco - forget the flowers
8) teddy thompson - walking the floor over you
9) neko case - i missed the point
10) sufjan stevens - romulus
11) sun kil moon - salvador sanchez (acoustic)
12) damien jurado - i am the mountain
13) califone - wingbone
14) gillian welch - i dream a highway

taking requests.