life

this is my life. from the top left, clockwise: my beloved bear, returning from his stay in my mom's bedroom b/c she was sick. in the background, my green bag and scarf that i use every day. then a pair of 15 pound dumbbells. i don't usually use those but i have been working out more at the gym. in the foreground is a stapler because students don't staple their homework, but fold the edges over as if that's supposed to keep the papers together. next to that is the wrapper of a clif bar i just ate, and a cup of tea i just drank. a calculator because i can't add, then a giant stack of homework i haven't graded, and finally the small, never-growing stack of finished hw.

this isn't life!!

i flew into space

this night i drove through thick fog, passing slow-moving cars on my right. the highway ahead of me was empty, and the road sloped upwards as if cars were meant to launch from the peak, right into space. i could see maybe ten feet of road ahead of me, and the rest was white fog. so i drove up and up and up with no idea how high i was. at some point i must have been midair, whisked up by viscous fog and no gravity, flying over the fecundity of grass fields and walnut groves and strawberries, all the way to my house where my mom and dad were waiting for me.

normally when i drive through fog at night, i scare myself into thinking some zombie boy is standing just ahead in the middle of the street. i play through the situation several times, and usually conclude that the best thing to do is to just keep driving, to pile through anyone standing there and not look back. but sometimes i think that i should stop and get out, that my life is not worth saving at the risk of not saving someone else's, and that the worst thing that could happen is a quick trip to heaven for me. this alternate mindset comes from my cousin, who was so brave walking around at night. i asked him if he got scared, and he said he wasn't afraid because of God. i was ten at the time. he has a four year old now.

skipping school

i was pretty sure my class started at 1:00, but a friend just called asking me where i was sitting. i said here, in my chair at home. but he's already in the lecture hall, waiting for class to start in just a few minutes. ...

this week i've been battling a certain soreness in my chest. the pain seems to increase every day, restricting movement in my arms and shoulders. it's from my stupid workout 5 days ago at fitness 19. like i said, i did every machine once. so between the lateral bench press, the inclined/declined bench press, the fly press, not to mention free weights and dumbbells, i think i broke my chest.

i suppose missing class and not being able two work out frees me up to write on this blog and, more importantly, run errands for my mom. this morning we watched "everyone says i love you", a woody allen movie/musical that features lots of famous people - besides woody allen, goldie hawn, edward norton, natalie portman, julia roberts, billy crudup, drew berrymore, etc.. it's a pretty ridiculous movie, but i think that was the point. love is as ridiculous and nonsensical as a movie that suddenly bursts into song and dance. musicals don't happen in "real life", as depicted by the movies, and to that point this musical is a lot more reflective of our lives as irrational and random occurrences that we run ourselves into. plus it was funny, so me and mom had a good laugh.

but now my mom beckons. she wants me to do some stuff around the house.

i was going to post up a photoventure of all the things my mom made me do. but it was pretty boring so i'll just leave u with a series on soup for my mom. the soup, not the series.

i bought this for my consumption.... my parents somehow eat all my food.

yum... too bad its really cold at this point. but edible still.

the soup side

water and crackers

and lunch!

i need to eat lunch.

Power Music Electric Revival

Every six months for the past two years, I post something about how blogging is dying. Back in the xanga days, I'd try to resurrect some kind of xanga revival amongst me and my friends, but that didn't really amount to much. Yes, it was a ploy to get more comments and eprops, but that was kind of the whole point. Blogging was dying because nobody would comment on my freaking xanga, which would give me less and less incentive to post. But at the same time, I guess my blogging about comments gives my readers less incentive to comment. But. oh well.

Comments as incentive to post more often isn't as simple as inflating my ego. Yes it feels good when someone reads what I wrote, and is compelled (for better or for worse) to comment on it. But really, it's more the tenuous connection between writer and reader, the shout in the dark and the distant response, that makes posting worthwhile. Sure, blogging on its own can be therapeutic or whatever, but the most compelling aspect of blogging is the anonymity behind the posters and commenters. People can hide themselves all day to their friends and family, but they're their most honest when more than a few eyes are watching. When they blog, the illusion is such that they're throwing their two cents into a giant fountain that everyone and anyone can observe. They speak in the dark to nobody in particular, so they can say whatever they want.

Of course that's not really how it works. People who read my blog know who I am. But when I'm writing it, I don't see you and so a big part of me doesn't particularly care that this entry is really boring and stupid. If you were here right now, over my shoulder as I type this, I'd probably switch windows or command-A delete this. But I won't, because I still have more to say. So bear with me.

The flipside of this freedom of posting to nobody is commenting as nobody. And that's where blogging dies, I think. Of course people have to write thought-provoking or funny or compelling entries, but if there's nobody to push back or support or contribute anything more, then there's no ethereal connection, no call and response, no fun at all. And I don't mean to say anything about whoever is reading this. All the comments on my previous post were awesome. I think I just speak generally when I say that blogging is dead to make a point, like when Nas said that hip hop was dead. Maybe blogging's just changed. bloglboglboglbogloblgoblog.

I'm going to try to blog more. I'm going to start a blog revival. It's kind of like this. When something's at it's peak, that means it's going downhill from thereon. It's kind of like the revival of new wave in music.... it came and it's going, and the synth as the new guitar is already on its way out. sigh. Everyone and their mom has a blog. That means blogging is dying. and I'm kind of like Jack Shepherd. i want to fix everything. and i'm kind of excited for january 31. and i am hungry. ok bye.

2008

2008 is finally here, tho i mentally switched to 2008 about a month ago. i know this because i started writing the year as 2008 on documents when i signed stuff... it wasn't that i just made a weird mental error either, it was just that i couldn't remember what year it was. it got to the point where i had to ask people the date, but they wouldn't include the year, so i'd just guess. and i mostly guessed wrong. =/ weird!

anyway, i had a little time to think about my new years resolutions. the most obvious one was to get more connected with God. but to me that doesn't mean getting more involved in church, going ice skating at the park to fellowship, getting plugged into a small group or whatever the usual God-stuff entails. to borrow one of fred's phrases, i want to press into God, like how my feet press into the sand, or how gravity presses down on me. its a matter of pressure and conflict. there's closeness and intimacy, like in quiet and in song. then there's the pressure that breaks molecules and bonds and makes me... better? like a diamond? or smashed, like play-doh. some are smashed, some are broken. God can be quite frightening.

so it's not asking God to be my bff, or just my Lord and Savior or this or that. he is to me the word that made life and gives life meaning, so not just one word or one description or relationship. God is the tree and the rock and the air. just kidding. i'm not into atman. no but really, the word was with God and the word was God. words were spoken to make the world and give it life. the word was made flesh, life that gave life made flesh, words that made life gave life, so isn't that kind of a big deal? but for me that doesn't translate well to ice skating.

anyway, my second resolution is to not be such a selfish bastard. it's easy to think of how things affect me, but i think it's time to stop being such a little b and suck it up. we'll see how long this lasts. but sub-resolutions to this would include being more helpful around the house, being a better friend to the few friends i have here and not being such an isolationist, at home and at church.

my third resolution is a mainstay as far as these things go, and that's to get huge. i just worked out at this gym called fitness 19. i picked this one over the expensive and glamorous gold's gym mostly because i pay just $15 a month, and it's totally ghetto. there's no smoothie bar, no spa, not even a locker room. its just a big room full of heavy weights. today was my first time going and i was pretty lost. i think i did almost every machine once (sometimes literally doing one rep) and i'm pretty beat. good thing i have my nitro-tech protein shakes to help me bulk up. the next six months in cali are like an incubation. no better yet, it's like a cocoon, and when i move out east i will emerge with an extra 30 pounds, which would make my new troublesome nickname obsolete (the skinniest man alive... wtf, thanks "friends").

what else. read and write. i want to read all the russians. russian art is dark and powerful, probably cuz everything bout russia is cold and oppressive, from the weather, the govt, the food, even their backwards language. i'm glad nobody reads this blog, especially not russians with the exception of leo on a longshot. anyway. i'm reading tolstoy now.

sometime in 2008 i want to move to new york and get a cat. and a job. but i don't want to sell my soul in the process.

well. enough of that. here are some pictures from the new year. enjoy!

we played a lot of sahgoo in ny. it's like regular pool but for koreans. consequently, dave and i sucked really bad.


mike and jay are actually good at sahgoo, but we've yet to see maria's skills at the game. i hung out with the above ppl most of my stay.


i went to the met and took pictures. i started taking some video but a security guy let me know it wasn't allowed, after almost tackling me.


i hung out with jennie and friends, and we got cupcakes from magnolia's bakery. note the similarity between jennie and me - not just our glasses, but in how our flat asian noses don't properly hold them in place. anyway, the night was marred by this lady who cut us in line. actually i didn't particularly care, but some of my friends were ready to cut her (like with a knife). btw, i wore this outfit 4 days in a row.

i visited my cousin in jersey, and he has an awesome wife, two crazy kids and one more on the way. lets see if i can't get some video working here...

his kids are adorable and have seemingly endless energy. rachel wouldn't say hi to aunt stephie. sorry staf! and yes i am still extremely awkward around children

i arrived in sactown last night and i had a full day of classes today. as i drove home i saw this crazy sky that i decided to shoot. maybe it was the recent storms that passed through cali, but these clouds were weird and they moved fast.

this is the entrance of the park.


this was the view of the sky at the end of the park. man it was awesome.


this was the sky after i found the 16:9 option on my camera.

this was a tree in the distance that i found odd and lonely, and then more of the sky.

have a happy 2008 everyone!