not my day

it's not easy for a day like today to suck as bad as it has. at least given the way i go about these few more days before grad school starts. i wake up whenever i want, i grab some breakfast and then get on the computer. then i think about lunch, eat lunch, then go on the computer. random activities like playing the guitar, reading a book, or hanging out with my parents are interspersed throughout the day. but pretty much i just do whatever i want.

but today i woke up feeling pretty blue. so blue in fact that the rest of this post will be in blue font. it is a dark blue i feel, so with a dark blue font i will continue. so i woke up, a little bit past the time when it'd make sense to eat breakfast but before the time normal people eat lunch. i stayed in bed and finished the rest of Naked by David Sedaris, which is mostly a great book, but ended with a whimper. i was sad about that and all of that negative energy must have rushed into my bowels. because then i had major diarrhea which has lasted throughout the day.

my first bout of the runs forced me out of bed and ruined any semblance of a morning routine that i had developed these past few weeks. normally i'd get on the computer and check my email, a few websites and sign on all with a few keystrokes. i would mean to browse a thing or two here and there, but i'd end up staying there for a good half hour, doing next to nothing. there's this illusion of productivity while i'm at a computer, but the reality is i was probably more productive today, clearing out my system of bile and poop, than i would be checking the latest tech crap or reading blogs or participating in inane chat. but... wasting time at the computer is what i'm used to, and evidently what i'd choose to do with the beginning of my day if i didn't have a job, school, or any real responsibility.

so today i was in the bathroom for most of the morning, which isn't uncommon for me at all. i used to think having daily stomach pangs of varying degrees of pain was totally normal. it was normal for me to be hunched over on the can with what felt like my intestines pouring out of me. and it was normal for that to happen on average twice a week. one time in the church bathroom, i thought that i would surely die. i must have passed twelve litres of life fluids and i was sure my heart would explode under the duress from my body's cry of pain. i wondered how long it would take for someone to find me. i guestimated it would take a few weeks. the smell of feces would probably overwhelm the smell of a rotting corpse, and since the church bathroom always smelled like poop anyway, people would think i was passing some kimchi jigae or something. usually the extended thoughts on death-by-diarrhea would help pass the time, and before i knew it the pain was gone, and i'd realize i had been sitting on the toilet for a good hour since anything last came out of me. alive and butt-sore, i felt no sense of relief. just tiredness and insecurity - the next bout of diarrhea could be just around the corner. it was useless to prepare for it, and useless to fight it. i'd pull up my pants, flush, wash hands, and waddle out of the bathroom, knowing it hadn't seen the last of me.

today was nothing like that, except for my reoccurring visits to different bathrooms throughout the house. i usually spare my parents bathroom mostly because the toilet is fully exposed to the rest of the room. i'd never take a shower there either unless i had time to blast burning hot water to steam up the glass door that anyone, upon entering the doorless bathroom, could see. i mostly just stuck to my bathroom, defecating, reading, and then wiping with fewer and fewer squares so as to save toilet paper. it turns out my mom buys quintuple ply toilet paper, so really i only need one square to wipe and still protect my dainty fingers. but i use two, cuz using one would just be really weird.

other than my stomach problems, my day was... well, sad. sad and unfortunate. i thought about lunch and decided on stopping by Borders before i pick up a burger at in n out. i almost bought another Sedaris memoir, but something about that seemed like a trap. was it all just the same stuff, told differently? more elaboration on a story he'd already told me? who knows. i guess i won't until i befriend someone well enough who wouldn't mind me borrowing his other books. so i decided on a book that my small circle of friends seems to be reading - pilgrim at tinker creek by Annie Dillard. it's described, from my friend (actually from me, guessing what it could mean, and my friend affirming that guess) as a modern-day Walden, without the ridiculous flowery language. being that i'm going to uc davis, a school known for environmental and agricultural studies, and that my major is agricultural and resource economics, and being that i bought a mini plant for my room that i tend to neglect, i decided to embrace the gardening/ecology section of Borders and pick up a copy.

they carried two copies of the book, both of which had mangled spines. maybe some nature-loving fellow came in and read a chapter or two, switching off between books each time he/she came in. people like that probably don't care much for book preservation. they're probably the types that fold the book in two when they read, then put the book in their back pocket when they had read enough. as cool as that seems, i like my new books relatively untouched and unread by others. that way i could say that it's mine, and when i read it the words would be mine and the themes and messages would all be for me. even time i devote to reading is really just time devoted to me - i can't imagine being useful to anyone else while i'm reading. i can't make rice, look up directions online, or hold a conversation. i guess reading as a form of self-improvement is okay, even though it's totally selfish. if someone finds me reading, they don't think of me as lazy so much as intelligent, interesting, something like that. there's a peace to that - the same peace that people take for granted during a (normal) bowel movement. if you're on the john, nobody's going to harass you saying that you need to be somewhere else. really, you're doing the most important thing you could do at the time, and no one else can say anything. reading a book is a less powerful activity, but it has similar benefits, if the reader's goal is to get by doing something enjoyable without harassment from the people.

i bought the book then headed over to in n out, which wasn't the closest fast food restaurant, but had become my favorite. the burgers were fresh and the flexibility of their menu allowed me to order them "animal style", which means that they add some delicious things to the burger. i haven't quite figured out what those things are. but after today i've definitely become a bit more suspicious. as the story goes, i pull up to the in n out drive-through, which is backed up by other hardworking american patrons who, like me, appreciate the fresh ingredients and friendly faced workers. i do like i always do, ordering a number one with no cheese, my burger animal style, with a coke. $5.10 at the window. i pull up, listening to a sufjan-inspired band, St. Vincent. and by listening i mean punching the track-forward button on my steering wheel after each annoying five second intro to each ridiculous "song". there are a few keepers on the album, but mostly the girl can't think of a melody if her life depended on it, and her singing is stylized in a way that makes you want to squint your eyes and shake your head, or just end your life. i settle on a quiet ballad and turn the music down as i hand my credit card to the woman at the first window. no hello? no thank you? no nothing? maybe she was having a bad day. no person can be bouncy and friendly every day. grace. i will give grace. i pull up to the next window and the jolly lady hands me my coke and my mysteriously animal stylized burger and fries. i don't even check the back to see if it's right - these guys never let me down.

i pull up to my house and unload the carton of fries as i turn the tv on. something catches my eye but i'm too busy looking for "law and order" or some variation of it - i mean, criminal intent or special victims unit, not cold case or the closer or any of those other jokes of detective/courtroom shows. i carefully extract the burger and then say a prayer of thanks to the God who provides beautiful, piping hot food for just 5 bucks. as i reach down for a fry, something small and black draws my attention. i pick it up hoping its just a stray hair. and thats exactly what it was. a stray pubic hair. black and curly and laying under two fries i had just put in my mouth.

a more proactive person would immediately spit out the fries, get pissed off and then drive the ten minutes back to in n out to raze the place in hellfire, then find the pervert worker, probably that unfriendly girl at the first window, and make her eat a few fries covered in ketchup and pubes. the manager would come out apologizing like crazy, offering me free food for life. going back would have been the smart thing to do. but instead i just kept eating. i ate my burger and ate all the fries, wondering what the hell i was actually eating, what disgusting particles were in my otherwise delicious food. i tried not to think about it, because when i did there was little to no accident about it. how could a pubic hair "accidentally" fall into my fries? was the guy that chopped the fresh potatoes doing it in the nude? the inevitable truth was that someone put it there, but i pushed it out of my head. after i finished my meal, i couldn't help but feel a little sick. the fries were actually delicious, but still i felt used. i felt like the butt of a joke that some 14 year old in n out punk is laughing at right now.

but then i realized the feeling was just my diarrhea coming back again. whatever entered my body has or will surely pass through to a watery grave.

today is not my day. a pall of sadness rests over me, a sheer veil that darkens the otherwise beautiful California sky.

and later i'll be off to a bbq to schmooze with people in my department. i'm one of the new guys. it saddens me further that they'll be meeting a kid, ravaged by stomach problems, by pubic hair, by life itself. i will bring my sadness with me. i will be the rain that forces everyone inside. where we can sit and talk over coffee. where we can listen to music or read pilgrim at tinker creek.

steno notepads are in!

there's this other story sitting right in the middle of my discovery of steno notepads. sigh.

i went to best buy to get CD-Rs for a few mixes i'm making. while i was there, i perused the DVD section, which mostly consisted of new releases and overpriced HBO series...es....serieses. and then i found myself in the science fiction/fantasy section, which was pretty embarrassing because it was full of naruto episodes and other typical shows that asians tend to love. but on my way to the end of the aisle i stumbled upon a goldmine. well not really a goldmine, but a sweet movie that i haven't seen in ages, but i'd been wanting to revisit: DARK CITY.

for those of you who don't know anything about this movie, it's pretty much the cooler, less pretentious version of The Matrix, without the insane budget and bullet-time special effects. i liken the dark city/matrix comparison to Glory as the predecessor to Braveheart. Dark City is a great movie that's overshadowed by it's stylish, more ambitious successor. anyway, it was only 6 bucks so i bought it, and i just watched it. for those of you who are curious, it's about a guy who wakes up in the middle of the night to find the entire city asleep. actually its pretty complicated so i'll just say, he ends up being like neo in the matrix. oh - and keifer sutherland is in the movie, except he plays a really creepy doctor. but there is one scene where he's holding a gun to the main character, and he totally turns into jack bauer in those 10 seconds.

anyway. the real story is.... well i kind of forgot what it was until i reread the title of this post. it's totally uninteresting. i went to office max after best buy to get some school supplies. actually i spent like an hour in office max, debating whether a notebook is more appropriate, or a binder of filler paper, or regular folders verses, again, a binder... whatever. the point is, i stumbled upon these notebook-like things called steno notebooks. i had no idea they were, so i used my iphone to wiki it, and even wikipedia had no idea what they were. so i bought a pack. essentially they are notepads, except they have a vertical line that goes down the middle of each page. they came in a pack of four, and they are totally cool. everyone jump on board.

also, i am very into running these days. i run around my development, around a man-made lake and back. it's quite beautiful, and even last week as i was running i saw a white crane perched on a fence. i was running in that direction but the crane didn't move, not until i was just a few steps away. when i got too close it spread its long wings and glided to the other side of the lake. i kept watching as a ran, which meant i could have easily ran straight into the lake, but it totally captured my attention. i hadn't seen a crane before, and i haven't seen one since. maybe i'll get lucky again one of these days.

also, since i'm into running, but i'm not into my hair bobbing up and down and getting in my eyes, i bought sweatbands. i bought a white one and a navy blue one, but i wasn't satisfied.... so i searched on amazon.com and found all these cool retro headbands and wristbands. i plan on buying them once i get a job. i could probably buy them now since they're only like $2.50 but... i am a man of self control and restraint. anyway, sweatbands, they're making a comeback. get on board the stenograph and sweatband train.

i got this from google images:
this guy is a headband model, and the url of the image suggests he goes to MIT. i don't know why, but that in itself is funny to me. anyway, i would look like him if he were korean, running, and wore a different headband.

here is a picture of a steno notepad:
as you can see they are pretty normal and boring. and as we all know, normal+boring = extremely cool.

and just to top it off, a picture that gives you an idea of what Dark City is like.
looks cooool huh. ok. that is all. goodnite!

i have an iphone!

and my life is still the same. i try to use it as much as i can, and the interface is really cool and intuitive. but in the end, it's still a phone, and still nobody calls me. on top of that, i barely leave the house so i can't take advantage of the (slow) EDGE network. i've debated for a while if i should get one, but now that i have one i can't really beat myself up, cuz it was a pretty good buy. especially when i compare it to the $400.00 parking pass that's sitting next to it on my desk right now. $400 for a little spot on the top of some parking deck next to a field of cows. oh well.

i had a pretty good scruffy look going for a while, but i shaved and got a haircut so i look like a 15 year old again. just in time for my ag econ orientation tomorrow. should i play it cool and just go to stuff i find interesting, or should i be fully engaged, meet people and smile a lot? i guess we will see.

i went to this church in davis last sunday called University Covenant Church. it was one of those big churches with the big screens on the walls. it did have a very homey feel to it, and the people didn't seem very cool or hip. you could tell because even though they had all this multimedia stuff going on, most of it was pretty shoddy and nobody seemed to care. anyway, it was an enjoyable service and i'm glad i went. buuuutttt...

their worship time really got me thinking. "worship time" as in singing time. everyone was pretty much standing there, looking at the screens or looking at the very polished band. i guess i just thought that the singing didn't really fit in with the rest of the service. i mean... what's the point of singing if the whole congregation is going to just stand there. was it supposed to be an offering of celebration? some outpouring of their hearts? in human terms, i know boyfriends sing songs to their girlfriend and stuff like that, but they don't do it every week on command. and i know it is a command to sing to the Lord. but why at sunday services?

and then i thought - what is the most valuable aspect of a sunday service? yeah, singing, community, prayer, stuff like that... but i think the distinguishing thing is the sermon. which is important because it's not every day that you get to hear an expert's take on a Bible passage that can be confusing, misunderstood or just understated. so, wouldn't it be awesome for an alternate service to kind of "cut the fat" and go straight for what's really important? like, not even a sermon but more like a biblical scholar doing his bible study out loud. after all, the most memorable moments of teaching for me weren't from sermons or group bible studies, but from someone explaining the bible in a way that made me realize that it's alive. and, i bet people can learn how to do their own in depth studies if they hear/see someone else doing it effectively.

i say alternate service because it'd probably be really boring for a lot of people. i went to a service like this in florida (r.c. sproul's church) with my friends, and more than half of them fell asleep. but i do think it would work, maybe if it's less formal than i proposed. kind of like how muslims get together by the pillars of the mosque to learn from a quranic scholar. its working for them - look at all the muslims willing to die for their faith!

just kidding. and i don't know why i'm going on and on about this idea. maybe just thinking out loud. i should reward those of you who have made it this far in the post. i will end with a riddle, but i will not make a new paragraph for it in case someone tries to skip down to the bottom. also, i will add another paragraph of nonsense at the bottom to further prevent skippers. anyway, here it goes - what two coins do you need to make 30 cents, one of them is not a nickel. i got this one from an episode of scrubs. i guess u can google the answer cuz its pretty easy and common.

also i didn't know how to spell nickel so i had to google it. i had to googel it. lol! goo gel. anyway thats what nickel is. nic kel. cuz you'd think it would be nickle but it's not. i used to get pissed off at how stupid the english language is when there were spelling quizzes back in the day. i remember not spelling the word "dollar" correctly, and throwing a tantrum afterwards, complaining that it wasn't fair for a word to be pronounced "doller" yet be spelled with an a. i guess i'm always blaming something else.

delirious, cutting edge, disc 2, track 12. and crowder, can you hear us, track 8.

i have two minor obsessions that relate to one another in opposite ways. one of them is bravo's hit tv show, top chef. it's amazing to see these very human chefs, full of neuroses and quirks, create beautiful food. their creations probably taste very good too, but i won't know until sometime in the future, when we can hook ourselves up to the tv and eat the food they make. anyway, i haven't seen last week's episode, so i've been watching a lot of tv to hopefully catch a rerun. i've seen just about every other top chef episode like 10 times each, so hopefully this newer episode will be in heavy rotation as well.

i realize now that mentioning top chef as one of my obsessions is pretty boring and meaningless, except in how it relates (or does not relate) to my other obsession: bread and butter. i think i've always been into not-impressive food like wendy's spicy chicken sandwich and Stouffer's french bread pizza, but i think my tastes have greatly downgraded. so while i'm watching marathons of top chef, what with their capriccios and tuna tartars, i'm munching on a loaf of bread and butter. so now, if i'm asked what my favorite food is, i don't have to think of the coolest thing i've eaten recently. because nothing's better than bread and butter! woooo slant rime.

*********end normal entry*********

i had this weird thought the other day. how we use words to encapsulate a thing or idea for our own convenience/sanity/control, but really those words don't cut it. the universe is not the universe. when we use that word, universe, many things come to mind, like an image of a bunch of galaxies or something, or just empty space, but even the images that word evokes doesn't come close to what the real universe is. so, the universe is not the universe. even our own world is a mystery to the brightest scientists, and the average person doesn't really know much about it. so the world is not the world. and if you think about it, it goes on and on. like, people you know, you don't really know exactly what they're thinking or what they're feeling. you don't know what it tastes like for them when they eat cheese, so what you think you are is not you, and i am not me, because i don't even know me very well sometimes.

and is it a western thing to demand a meaning for everything, to be able to sum it all up in one sentence, or one phrase or just one word? or is it a human thing. on a side note. i wonder what it will be like once i am fully human. i'm not talking about a guy that has a job and pays bills and has a family. i guess i'm talking about heaven. but back to the original train of thought. maybe thats why novels are as long as they are. just one word isn't enough to say what you really want to. or, in poetry, when we all know that the words represent the bigger, truer ideas, and so we know that when they say the world they mean The World and so we don't fully understand.

i S2 cali

but before i talk about cali (or maybe this does apply) i just want to say that there is an annoying delay in this text box. when i was in new york, the delay was incredible. i would type entire sentences before seeing them pop up on the screen. but here in cali, the delay is negligible. what a difference california makes!

i'm staying with dave, sleeping in his bed with him. two pretty annoying things - he assembled his bed wrong, so a two inch board above the headboard juts out towards the bed. i've been leaning against it and it really hurts. the second annoying thing is that i woke up to a guy revving his autobike right outside our window. i wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but he is probably a pretty scary dude.

and the third annoying thing is that i'm about to go to the beach, and i don't have my swim suit. dave offered his oversized trunks, with the warning that they fell off of him in the ocean once. and the fourth thing is that staf told her friends that they should hug me and ask me to sing them my songs once we get to the beach. life's a beach!

i was going to add more annoying things, like dave's sign on/sign off aim theme on his new compy. but i'm a pretty chill person.

one example of how chill i am was yesterday, when i went to dave's church, which he described as a simple church. it was like a small group, and it was really laid back. everything was going great until the end, when the pastor told us to embrace one another, wait for God's voice, and speak words of encouragement to the other person. what a day to visit. but actually the pastor hugged me and told me things i think i needed to hear. so it was actually pretty cool! i guess that's not an example of how chill i am. but i'm getting there.

anyway, cali is pretty awesome so far. i've been hanging out with dave, staf and dave's roommate warren. he's a musician. he's a big friendly dude and he took me around yesterday. actually i went with him to his accountability group, so him, billy and i shared our lives and sins and stuff. thats how i will roll in california - randomly (recklessly?) transparent. so today, beach, tomorrow sf and then who knows.

buy