men, violins, wine

what do these three have in common? clearly, it's that they get better with age. wine, violins, i mean those are obvious examples. but i'm about to talk about men, and subsequently women. bear with me please. i'm in somewhat of a spontaneous mood right now... so here we go.

so i was on the fazebok just now checkin out some chicks and i realized i have my own little strategy when trying to estimate their hotness from the limited information. before i get shit from you hypocrites about how it's all weird to be stalkerish, i'd just like to say that yes, i'm curious, i'm a nosy dude, and i guess i won't apologize for it. i mean, who's got so much goin on with their lives that they really would mind some attention? i guess i take for granted the fact that i'm not a crazy person.... but that gets me to thinkin...

if there were no "normal" stalkers.... normal "stalkers" i should say, the pool of people stalking would just be the really creepy people, the crazies that would act out in some dangerous or violent or fearful way. but if it was normal to check people out, to see what people are up to and get in their business, out of mere curiosity or genuine interest, i'd say the world would be a safer place. or at least a more trusting place, where the real pariahs could at least try to copy the example of others' decency, as opposed to being provoked and relegated to their midnight stalking and creepiness.

anyway, onto my method. n00bs go straight for the photos, but that's a huge mistake. if you're a guy, you gotta know that your eyes will trick your brain into thinking whatever you or ur dick wants to believe. so u go to their info and peruse, briefly, without thinking too much. it's a huge mistake to look too deeply into each category, as if the person spent hours trying to pick out their favorite bands and books. i mean some people do, but you can't really tell, can you. or sometimes you'll see some witty phrase that says, i'm too cool to care about listening my favorite bands. or maybe the task is too heavy for them, or they're too insecure about being judged.

overall, this first step is just a cursory glance at someone's personality. from worst to best, here are some possible combinations:

the hipster christian who, despite her proclivity for free thinking and loose morals, will never give it up
- religion: something deep that hints at christianity
- activities: somewhere in here will be an emerging church or the name of a fellowship that might be misconstrued for a cafe or acting troupe.
- interests: if there's no mention of GOD!!! it's deliberate... she's a sleeper agent.
- fav music: sufj for sure
- fav tv shows: arrested development, the office, you know the safe picks
- fav movies: amelie, some foreign film, some wes anderson film
- quote: either something literary or something witty, or some semi-flirtatious, inviting comment e.g. just talk to me! ;)

the too-cool-for-school, but not too-cool-for-facebook girl.
- religion: athiest, or some ironic judeo-christian reference that's supposed to be a joke.
- activities: none
- interests: none
- fav music: daft punk, and a handful of bands you've vaguely heard of that are mostly considered cool.
- fav tv shows: some stupid MTV show, house

the hot girl who can't hide her vapidity because she's totally unaware of it
- religion: a specific denomination of christian, or jewish
- activities: stupid college clubs
- interests: obvious stuff like tv, runnning, dancing, shopping... i mean, things that all girls are interested in, so really there's no point in listing it.
- fav music: the killers, kanye, amy winehouse, and other good musicians who make bad music
- fav tv shows: the amazing race! the hills!
- quotes: dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, dream like no one's.... freddy kruger? there are several iterations of this quote, and the more she lists the more self-esteem she lacks.

the ultimate cute girl who i will marry, yes ok this is borderline creepy
- religion: christian
- activities: none
- interests: it doesn't matter... in all honesty this section only matters if she puts something cheesy (long, deep conversations) or something obvious (see hot girl description)
- fav music: a few of the standard cool indie rock bands (sonic youth, arcade fire), a healthy amount of americana, and some out-of-nowhere old school rap
- fav tv shows: THE WIRE... if it's all in caps, extra points.
- quotes: something meaningful, something thoughtful... but not something ironic or witty.

and on a side note, that the ultimate cute girl who i will marry is a christian is not some prerequisite, but a signal that despite being into cool things, she keeps it real by sticking to her religion. or something like that.

so after you check out her interests and loosely categorize her, it's time to move onto photos. first, you have to browse her profile pictures because that's the version of her she wants people to see. sometimes you'll get very adorable pictures, sometimes some funny political or wtf images, and sometimes big groups of people that make it hard to identify who it is you're stalking. all of this should tell you a little bit about their personality, at least moreso than the information provided because.. i mean for profile pics, you actually have to put a little effort into searching for and uploading the image.

next you view their photos. and this process is how i got the idea for this post - that men age better than women. you may be offended, you may be confused, but really you're probably not reading this right now because this post is so goddamn long. anyway, i like to view photos in chronological order. that is, i start from the first photo and end at their most recent photo. i do this for several reasons: for one, i like to see what the person looked like when they were in high school or freshmen in college, because usually at that point if your life you have no sense of style and so if you were pretty then, you're probably pretty now. on the flip side of that, i can see if you gained or lost lots of weight, because i guess the ideal is to stay consistent.

another reason to view photos chronologically is to look for any question marks... as in, what photo doesn't belong in this set? like if the girl is a nice christian girl and then i left-arrow onto a half-naked, drunken french nurse all over some hot chick, i'd say this person has a dark side. the one thing to consider here is that lots of times, photos are taken when people are actually doing something, and they don't capture everyday life. so if someone only has party photos, that doesn't necessarily mean all they do is party. or if someone just has church photos... well actually, that probably means all they do is church stuff. i mean, you take more pictures when you go out, so if you have none to show for then you're probably a huge loser.

so now that we have the rationale down, here are the results. most girls my age get a lot prettier as time goes on. in high school and freshman year in college, as i mentioned, they don't know how to dress, misuse their makeup, and are generally too immature to realize that despite it's unfairness, looks matter. as they get older and fill into their bodies (note, very different from getting fat), they exude confidence, humor, a lightness and beauty. that's a bit overstated. but for the most part, during their mid-20s, these girls are in their best years. a pretty 20-something can get any guy she wants. if a guy wielded that power, and i guess some guys do, he would be a pretty big man whore.

if you've heard of the christmas tree theorem, then you kind of know where i'm going with this. after 25 comes 26. the tree is still bright and beautiful, but time is ticking. 27, tick. 28, tick. 29, 30, 31... why is this tree still here?

really it's multiple factors - the weight of life, stress, the burden of over thinking, the reality of gravity on your once taut skin... very little of it is physical, i think. most of it is that women become tired of life. they are not old, but their lightness, their humor, their confidence ages a bit. and somehow it shows. i've heard it said that as a woman gets older, she becomes more open to random hookups. they have less social structure and safe communities that frown upon bad decisions and support her to make good ones. they realize they can't have just anyone they want, and generally you want what you can't have. they're all too aware of the life-tolls they've paid on their faces, the backs of their legs, their hands... and it's this hyperawareness that is not beautiful. because their faces, their legs, their hands are mostly the same.

if you look at a guy in chronological order on fb, here's what you'll see. first, a goofy, awkward set of limbs moving into his college dorm. second, embarrassing pictures that he probably should take down, pictures of him drunk doing things that were TOTALLY AWESOME... at the time. then lots of boring things like hiking, college events, concerts, etc. but like a tree he is growing, and by the most recent pictures you'll see a twenty-something coming into his own. physically, he's not fully grown, not like a man in his mid-thirties with something of a belly and kids and stuff. but he's growing, he's getting there. his hair is what it ought to be. his clothes are not impressive but fitting. he learned how to smile in pictures.

but overall, the guy is a work in progress, and will continue to be until... well until he dies i guess. there is no peak for a man, but a continual climb upwards. the age lines that mark his face indicate wisdom, confidence, virility for having lasted that long. his sinewy arms will have meant years of use and labor, his enlarged waist a sign of gustatory pleasure, experienced over and over. his hair may turn a distinguished gray or he may become beautifully bald. as his body enlarges, he becomes more masculine. he becomes more fully himself, boring through the holes in his self-image to emerge as an older, better man.

every year he looks back and laughs. mistakes are learned from and victories are celebrated again in his active mind. last year he was a child; this year, less so. hindsight, to him, sees growth and improvement, even where those things did not exist. he still has a temper. he still is stubborn. but the weariness of his humanity doesn't weigh down on him. the hardness of life serves to temper his will, not beat the lightness out of him.

you can see it in a photo and you can see it in his face. for a woman, you'll see how the city sucked the life out of her. you'll see how lovers have broken her and how the heaviness convinced her that she's not quite what she was. but for a man, he is better than who he was, and he can be better than who he is. and that's what drives him. a driven man is too busy and focused to realize his terrible faults. he's too driven to die of old age. his body will not break down against his will. life will not erode on him, but a crisis can stop a man in his tracks. a death or shock or sudden disillusionment can derail a man. the death of a loved one, of his better half or of his children, will slow him down to a halt. and life will catch up with him then. you'll see the tiredness in his eyes and the heaviness on his knees. at that point, he's on his last mile.

the death of a man's better half will take its toll on a man because he's not complete without her. part of a man's fulfillment is the pursuit of a woman, which in itself is worthwhile and a good reason for just about anything. without a woman to pursue and eventually fulfill, a man will break down like a machine missing a part. but with a woman he becomes something more than what he was yesterday.

can i say the same for a woman? i've heard it said that some girls will eat a stick of butter after they get married. sure, people let loose a bit after some comfort. but by doing so, is she she becoming more of a woman, or is she become more of a man? and if she resents the difference, would she be happier treated as a man? probably not. if she goes down that road, she'll probably cheat on her husband with a man who treats her like a woman.

anyway, when a man ages, he becomes more of a man. when a woman ages and becomes less of a woman, that's a sad thing to see. but when a woman ages and puts on years of beauty and experience, and she sheds the trivialities of her youth, the frivolous insecurities and petty ambitions, she becomes more of herself, and whole. and the world needs more people whole.