2 legit 2 quit

one thing i love about hip hop that some people can't stand is the tendency for rappers to constantly refer to themselves, their crew, their money, their women, rapping skills, etc. understandably it's a form of megalomania, materialism, misogyny.. but i think one unique thing it does is legitimize the emcee as someone to be heard and remembered. referring to someone or something in the third person establishes it as something that exists in general and can be seen and heard by other people. this is true even if a person refers to himself in the third person. and if he says his name enough times in a catchy enough song, people will remember him and associate him as an emcee.

i don't mean that a rapper who says he's the best rapper alive becomes the best rapper just because he says so. what that claim does though is establish a frame of reference in which this person can be observed. in that way it makes him legit. of course when other emcees drop his name, that makes him even more legit. in academia, a professor is deemed legit when other professors cite their research. but a guy's gotta start somewhere, right?

awhile ago, i was talking to my friend dan about the korean american community in atlanta. in my mind, there's nothing for a korean american to identify with in atlanta, no concrete movement to associate with. and it's not because korean american atliens don't have an identity. i just think they haven't solidified it, they haven't put it in words or a meeting or a movement. that's one reason why the arts are so important in creating an identity for a group of people, so that they can have a point of reference for who they are. and i don't mean a song that explicitly says what it means to be a korean american in atlanta. that would defeat the whole purpose of art, since it's the only thing that can be abstract enough for different people to identify with it. it'd have to have elements that korean americans can uniquely associate with, something that they can be proud of and have fun with.

think about what it means to be a black person in atlanta. you've got rappers name-dropping landmarks in atlanta - peachtree street, magic city, cafe intermezzo, 1tweezy, the velvet room, spelman, clark, morris brown, freaknik, the hawks, the falcons, etc... and it becomes circular. now rappers drop u.g.k., goodie mob, outkast, and now t.i. and jeezy as pioneers of atl hip hop. they've forged an identity from everyday life in atlanta by laying it down in words in a style that's distinctly southern. of course there's more to being black in atlanta, but the arts have definitely helped legitimize atlanta as the black capital of america (i just made that up..)

anyway i'm not sure what the point of all this is. this is pretty boring and all just a distraction from writing my thesis. maybe i should write a rap about crop insurance. i'll spit it for my committee when i defend my thesis.

night time is the right time

i need momentum going into an endeavor to make it work. i have tons of interests but none of them pan out until i get some kind of push. examples of those can be:

• a deadline or requirement (my thesis is a good example)
• someone telling me or encouraging me to do it (... you could probably make me do anything. please don't.)
• new tools (ex: i found a cool old notebook in my closet. so i'm going to make that my bible notebook, since i don't think i can stand going to a church, maybe i can at least draw pictures of bible scenes and make that my religious activity of the week)
• new tools ex 2 - finding the list button on the blog editor thing.

driving home today i realized that i've made some headway on a few interests that i thought were impenetrable. one is agriculture, which is at once ridiculously simple (i mean, anyone can farm) yet a total mystery to most people including me. well i'm on a mission to learn more about agriculture while getting a killer farmer's tan. if you're at davis and you see me on campus, and i'm covered in dirt and sweat, it's probably because i just got off the farm, and i don't live in davis so i can't shower. so please forgive me.

also, tackling a new genre of music is always intimidating. i had always wanted to get into hip hop.. it's a really complex and rich genre and like jazz, it's an american creation. but no matter how in depth you think about it, there's always the side of hip hop that just makes for fun party bangers. it's just totally unique compared to any other kind of music - take curren$y, a rapper from new orleans who just released a CD (which is new for him, since all his other releases were free mix tapes, another unique aspect of hip hop). that he has a dollar sign in his name is one thing, but what other artist can get away with spelling his name in his songs just to clarify that it's not an s, it's a dollar sign.

... i just realized, there's no s in currency. :(

anyway the point is, after years of probing, i finally got into hip hop, and though i don't know much about the older stuff, i'd say that i'm up to date on at least a section of what's going on right now. how did this happen? i have no clue. like most endeavors, it's like i just kept running into a wall, not realizing what progress i've made until i look back. that being said... there are a few goals i've always had that i've made no headway in. like working out. or learning a language. or anything involving relationships. or spelling.

goodnight moon.

edit: i just wiki'd goodnight moon, and i read that it was written in feminine rhyme (when two or more syllables rhyme). emcees who can rap in feminine rhyme are awesome. look for it in songs and it will greatly enhance ur appreciation for how clever and thoughtful even the most crude rappers are.

quick example: lil wayne's feat in outkast's hollywood divorce -

Yea, and I don't have to go to Hollywood

cause Hollywood come through my neighborhood with cameras on

I really think they're stealin from us like a sample song
I really wish one day we'd take it back like Hammer's home
The hurricane come and took my Louisiana home

and all I got in return was a dern country song

This whole country wrong

What would you write if you just put a little ice on

and cut your mic on
but you don't even write songs
but Hollywood make you spit like a python

[this part is really hard to point out with bold cuz of how he talks...]

I meant Cobra, I'm so not sober

I'm high like a Hollywood
coffee or soda
You can call me a roller
Hold up

Your grill's glistenin'

Spent a hundred thousand on mine to feel different - what's the real sense of it?
Uhhh Bling bling, I know
and did you know I'm the creator of the term
I just straightened the perm and let it sit too long, they just makin it burn
Make a movie of our lifestyle
But they earn like a dead body burned on a mantlepiece
That's why I try not to lie on wax like this candle grease
and I be's the little nigga cooler than anti-freeze defrost on your window pane - Lil Wayne
but in Hollywood it's Litt-le Wayne
don't make me not

so that's why I got a pre-nup - I do

blogging is in

i'm going to update this blog now. i don't quite know what to say or write about anymore, and personal blogs mostly suck these days anyway. but looking at all the topical blogs out there, and the endless twittering and stuff like that, there's definitely an absence of interesting and original (that is, not some article that i think is interesting that i'm linking to my blog) thought. so here you go.

unfortunately for you i have not much to say other than to report things about my life. so i guess i'll tell you a moment in my life and my thoughts surrounding it.

- yesterday was picnic day at davis. it's an annual drunk-fest where people come out of hiding and invade the streets of davis. literally hundreds of thousands of people show up. ok maybe 100,000 people. but yeah so there were lots of stuffs going on, and at one point i found myself at a record store to see a friend. a guy was playing an acoustic set and let me tell you... it was pretty hilarious. i don't know if you could have scripted a more typical hipster setting. the store was brimming with pretentiousness and cool, impersonal interaction. the performer was playing some sleep-inducing / slit-your-wrists inspirational tunes off his latest album. in between songs, the guy mentioned liking the new deerhunter album and asked the captive audience what some good albums were so far in 2009 (note: this was confusing because deerhunter is releasing a new EP soon, and their last album was released in 2008). someone mentioned neko case's new offering which really is one of the best new albums this year. and he said, "yeah that's good, a bit poppy but good." wtf?? a bit poppy? and your music is...? jump off a cliff, you pretentious prick. i stepped out at that point and perused some half off used CDs. there were some classic hits - boyz 2 men, paula abdul... i was very close to buying a tim buckley cd.

side note: my best albums of 2009 so far are: neko case, middle cyclone; freeway, month of madness (songs recorded in 2008 but released as one mixtape in 2009); hollyweerd, electricity showroom; animal collective, merriweather post pavillion. i haven't really listened to that much new music actually.

another side note: one good thing about living in brussels was that there wasn't much of a separation between the artsy community and the normal community. there was no super-informed underground crowd. people in general i think were more sophisticated and appreciated the arts. i went to this one show, this american folk singer sam amidon, and as a performer he was being really weird. he was doing pushups and some interpretive dancing and shit. and the people there just looked like regular joes. no tatted up arms and ironic tshirts. and afterwards they said they liked the american folk singer but he was a little weird. that was refreshing because that's exactly what it was... here in the states, his performance would have been cool and artistic and if you didn't get it, that meant you weren't cool and artistic. sometimes you just gotta call it how you see it.

- i think i'm going to go back to church. i'm not sure if i believe everything the way i used to believe when it comes to christian doctrine or how people perceive it. really i don't care about any of that, nor do i care about having the right reasons to come back... maybe i should just make a list of things i don't care about. i wish this blog could support an outline format. oh wait it does. when it comes to religion and church, i don't care about:

1. faith and religion not really making sense, that life after death doesn't really make sense, and that the bible sometimes doesn't make sense. you don't make sense.
2. having the right attitude. in fact i'm almost certain i want to go to church to pick up girls.
3. church being uncool... well no i do care about that. not about what other people think, cuz i don't think that's what makes church uncool. what makes it uncool is the people. but what will you do, i can't force them out.
4. there is a lot of negativity in this list.

- how can i write a blog without mentioning the cavs? i, like every other clevelander, is excited but not too excited... i know we're going to make it to the finals but can we beat the lakers? of course we can, and i'll argue with anyone who thinks otherwise... but in my mind, i just can't imagine what it'll be like to have a championship in cleveland. i just have no idea what that is like and i won't know what i will do. maybe i'll name my firstborn delonte or zydrunas. maybe i'll try to friend the cavs roster on fb. actually what i should do is go to new york and have a reunion with my old high school friends, cuz other htan my brother they're the only other people who are pulling for the cavs.

side note: people from philly talk about how they were the most cursed sports team before the philly's won the world series, and to argue they mentioned how they were the only city with 4 major sports teams (bball, baseball, football and hockey) that didn't win a 'ship in a while. to that i have to say... WHO CARES ABOUT HOCKEY??? seriously that sport is a joke. it's fun to watch live but on tv, it sucks. and who actually follows it in the regular season except for the fans in each city that actually attend games? hockey is a joke and shouldn't be included as a major sport when debating which city has suffered the most hardship. yes, this is a very defensive and immature rant. except when you think about it, cleveland is defined by hardship and to strip us of that mantle - that we experience the most hardship than any other city, embodied by our tough-luck sports teams - - and because of hockey, no less - is to negate us. well... to label us, then negate us.

last thought before i get back to my thesis... i think the rue kids are pretty horrible at relationships. really i think california is the worst thing that could have happened to us in terms of personal and social growth. this place is just too easy and people are too superficial. i'm so glad to have grown up in ohio where people are interested in people.

2009, Brussels

it's about high time that i update this blog for several reasons. one, it's 2009 and i haven't posted / thought of any new years resolutions. and two, i'm in brussels, and i'd like to update all of you on what i've been doing.

but the actual (and only) reason i ever update this blog is because i have nothing better to do. if you remember, after a recess from too many mind, i posted several homesick and angsty entries when i was in peru last summer. so you can expect the same (if not more!) in both quantity and quality during my stay in brussels.

so to catch you up to speed: i'm in brussels, belgium for the next several months working as an intern for the foreign agricultural service of the USDA. yes, like USDA beef. except in our office we work on agricultural policy issues pertaining to US and EU relations. big ones now are hormones in US beef, genetically modified food/feed and biofuels. issues that i know little to nothing about, at least right now.

i arrived on a friday and caught a cab to my flat, which is in central brussels. since then i've pretty much sat in this chair (the one the computer is facing) for the past several days, waiting for a familiar screenname to pop up amidst a shoddy internet connection.

i've travelled a few times before, sometimes alone, and i

 know that i always hate a place when i first arrive.  it's gotten more severe recently, probably because i'm happier and more settled in california than i've ever been, but within a week or so i fall in love with my new country or culture or workplace.  i only see the good things and become insufferably optimistic.  this "bright and sunny" chris may run counter to your view of me, but trust me, he exists.  as of now, he lays dormant under the gray and cloudy skies of brussels.

speaking of brussels, here's a view of the alley/street from my window.  there's a little kitty cat that watches me from the flat across the street.  i'd wave at him but, as you can see, the curtain is drawn and usually a man is standing right there cooking for most of the day.  so i usually just give the kat a little head nod on my way into my apartment.

since i've spent most of my time so far in my flat, i might as well tell you about it.  the building is old but inside it's cozy and everything seems to work correctly.  except for the shower, which the first few days didn't produce hot water.  that, and most of the little holes in the shower head were clogged, so water would shoot out of the few remaining open holes with tremendous pressure.  i took one arctic blast shower, which included no shampoo but soap, and no towel.  i've since had the landlord fix the shower, bought shampoo and a towel.  i'm excited to take a hot shower, be completely clean and then dry myself fully.  

see that's the thing so far, i half expected to come to europe and have an amazing cultural experience, what with old architecture and statues at every corner.  but so far i've been too inundated with the chores of survival, like getting food at the grocery, buying toilet paper (a story for another time) and learning the subway system, all in a foreign, french-speaking

 society.  i'm sure i'll get to the cultural stuff soon enough.  let's move on.

here's my bed.  where the magic happens.  the magic of not being able to sleep because of jet lag.  it's actually very comfortable...  i'll give it to anyone who comes and visits, and u will see!

and here's the kitchen.  i spent several days hunting the convenient stores for salt and pepper.  i was convinced they didn't have it, until i ran into my landlord there and he showed me the several rows of salt and pepper that i somehow missed.  also, i bought what i thought was alfalfa, and when i tried to extract it from the box, it was stuck to this brown

 soil-type stuff.  i looked up what it was online and it wasn't alfalfa, but watercress.  i have no idea what that is.  

mmm to be honest my brussels experience so far hasn't been as bleak as i'm making it out to be.  two nights ago, i went out with some of my friend's friends, a couple that just moved out here.  we explored some of the bars and had some belgian beers.  i noticed one that i had back in atlanta called tripel karmeliet, and guess what?  it tastes much better in belgium!  this is true.

afterwards we had some belgian fries with some curry ketchup.  it was a fun night, one that i hope i'll repeat on most nights that i'm here.  but until i have a consistent social life, i'm happy that i have such a comfy flat to hole up in.

oh and my 2009 resolutions.  i guess you can tune out here, if you've made it this far.  or start reading here if you don't particularly care about my non-exploits in brussels.  first off, what did i resolve to do in 2008?  i don't even remember.  hm.  i might as well start there:

1) reconnect with god - uber fail

2) not to be a selfish bastard - i failed horribly in some ways but gained some ground in others

3) go to the gym - umm.. if you see me you'll know

4) read and write - i guess i didn't do so bad in this area

so this year i resolve to do those four things again, except do them for real.  for reconnecting with God, i think i'm gonna go to a church when i get back from europe.  maybe start reading the bible.  it would've been a good idea to bring one with me to europe...

for number 2, i realize that i'm a lot less caring than i was before.  i should start caring about other people, and really listen to them even if i think their problems are petty like mine.  i've made friends with some real caring people and you can totally tell the difference between them and everyone else.  i guess i'm just so impressionable sometimes that when i'm around too-cool hipster elitists, i become one against my every intention.

number 3, go to the gym.  why do i even put this up.  i think a part of me is waiting for my metabolism to slow down and for me to just get fat like everyone else does - by doing nothing.

number 4 - reading and writing.  i actually kicked major ass last year because i wrote on my own, wrote for the newspaper and i read lots of good books.  this year i'm going to write a lot - for my thesis.  which i resolve to finish.  and i will read lots of books.

number 5 - get a real job.  this isn't really a resolution... it's more like, if i don't do this then i'll starve, or just be really pathetic and live at home.  which i resolve not to do.

number 6 - learn a language.  it's about time i learn a language other than english, and i mean really know how to speak it.  almost all the jobs i'd like to have require fluency in at least two languages.  maybe if i have no friends after next week i'll enroll in a french learning class, so at least something fruitful will come out of my time here other than a few publications and a hole in my wallet.  

number 7 - seven is a good number to stop at.  what should the last one be?  i don't know.  give me some ideas!

until next time.  au revoir!

WHY IS MY CLOCK WRONG

so i woke up today at 10:30am and said to myself, wow i am a lazy ass. i did nothing yesterday, yet i woke up today exhausted and already kind of annoyed. i would blame it on the gray weather but that would be conceding to a psychological weakness, and i am not weak in any area of life.

but when i got to my computer, the clock definitely said 9:30. did i add an hour to the clock while i was sleeping? have i been waking up an hour early for several weeks and not just not noticing it? all of these were possibilities. that is, until i went on fb and someone mentioned daylight savings. and it got me thinking.

maybe this "fall back" thing will help me out of my so-called weather-induced depression. after all, (a) i get an extra hour of sleep and (b) it is nice and sunny by the time i wake up. or here's another theory. maybe, like bears, humans need to go in something of a hibernation. mmm no. this is already a stupid theory because tons of people live in places where there are no seasons.

but to suspend logic and reason for a moment, let's say humans need to go into something of a hibernation. in places with four seasons, winter comes and slows life down. it enforces a certain rhythm on ppl's lives. there's a time and season for everything, says the bible and the byrds. what if you live in a place where, say, there is no snow. maybe a little rain, but you can still walk around in a tshirt and go about your life in a regular fashion. there's no rhythm to your life - it's just a constant pace 365 days a year. that makes life boring, repetitive and depressing. it's like eating your favorite food every day. it's great for a while but then you just crave all that crappy food like wendy's and chocolate bars and stuff. when you get a freezing winter forced on you, life slows down and you go inside with ur friends and family. and when the spring comes, there's euphoria like none other - outdoor football comes to mind. man that is awesome.

also, living in a city with four seasons also makes everyone go through some bothersome experiences, like scraping ice off your car, shoveling snow and walking through freezing weather. i guess nobody really likes those things, but doesn't the saying go, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? i mean there must be some kind of truth in that. so multiply that tiny growth in character across millions of people that reside in a snowy city, and you've got a significant increase in high-quality people when you compare it to a place with blue skies and no worries.

aside - goddamn that damned phrased, "no worries." i dunno it just rubs me the wrong way. like if someone says thanks, and you say no worries, it's like.... yeah, it's no problem because i'm such a chill dude, and i don't really mind doing whatever it is you asked me to do. when i was in argentina and in a restaurant or something, if i said "thank you" to the waiter he would say "oh, please no, no." not like, "no it's nothing, don't worry about it." it's like, "no, no you don't need to thank me, it was my pleasure."

and here's the annoying thing about no winter. when people don't have anything to complain about, they conjure up some trivial cause to rally behind because... well, people are inevitable complainers. consider prop 2, here in california. it's something about how chickens and pigs should have some leg room in their cages. without reading up anything about it, i thought to myself - this is so stupid. of all the problems in the world, there's a group of people that would get this measure on the ballot? really? to defend the rights of chickens and pigs?

another aside: prop 2 is stupid on other levels. by forcing california farmers to pimp out their animals' houses, they'll be incurring a 20% increase in production costs. it's a fixed cost, so once they replace all their cages, they'll be back to operating normally - but they estimate 5 years for a complete overhaul. so in that time, people will buy cheaper, out-of-state eggs and pork, where they don't have these high cost standards. and when people walk into safeway, they don't really care to know where their eggs come from. they just buy the cheapest eggs. so for 5 years, california poultry farmers will get no profit, except from the 20 people that support prop 2 and are not vegetarians. these farmers will probably just move to some other product, and californians will be supporting out-of-state farmers with their cramped cages and in... inhumane? inanimal? conditions.

back to the original point. people rally behind these pointless or misinformed causes because there's nothing else to complain about. i think the word i'm looking for here is perspective. it's hard for people to have a realistic perspective of what's important and what you actually need when there are no pressing needs in your life. the only people that i can have normal conversations with are the ones that aren't from california. we talk about anything and everything, and the value of our conversation isn't in the words but the conversation. so it's not a matter of being offensive or saying something that's not politically correct. if i mention a negative opinion about someone to a californian, they give me this incredulous look because, isn't life supposed to be about warm fuzzy love? can't we unite under the cause to save our precious mother earth or fight for gay rights? no, and i don't like people who think we can.

well maybe it's because i've never been much a joiner to begin with. i'm much more interested in just being normal and interacting with normal folk. and when i say normal, i guess i'll invoke steinbeck when he describes america - complicated, paradoxical, bullheaded, shy, cruel, boisterous, unspeakably dear, and very beautiful. it's normal to be ugly and beautiful, to be full of insecurities and strengths. californians have reduced themselves to causes and niceties, and have foregone their beautiful complexity.

p.s. please do not comment saying i sound angry. i know that!

*******

anyway i made a new depressing mix:

We All, Us Three Will Ride - Palace Music
Ohio - Damien Jurado
Orphan Girl - Gillian Welch
Even While You're Sleeping - The Acorn
Albina - Horse Feathers
The Way I Am - Bonnie "Prince" Billy
Insomnia Song - Pajo
Last Rights - Damien Jurado
Bad Dream/Hartford's Beat Suite - Magik Markers

orange jubilee pt 2

about two people in the world already know what this entry is going to be about... and they're 2 of the 5 people who read my blog.

let's take a trip back to 1993. or was it 92. i don't remember. the point is, it was a long time ago when i was a little kid..... i went to my friend's birthday party at some giant field in the country. we played capture the flag, which was the greatest game ever, and threw water balloons around and generally had an amazing time.

it was mid afternoon when we got our party favors and began to head out to our parents' cars to go home. but a few of us wanted to keep the good times rollin. luckily for us, the yearly orange jubilee festival was kicking off that night, and that was a guaranteed good time. the orange jubilee was like the state fair - complete with rides, rigged games, elephant ears and weird carneys - except in our high school parking lot. during the day, they had live bands play (aside: my debut band in high school, every girl's dream, played at the orange jubilee) and "pie the teacher" charity events. at night, everyone packed into the football stadium for a brilliant fireworks display, followed by the inevitable precipitation of ashy, post-firework carcinogens.

i'm kind of beating around the bush cuz i'm leading up to an embarrassing moment. so as we were leaving the birthday party, i suggested to a few of my "friends" that we should meet up at the orange jubilee later that night. they agreed to meet me by the entrance at 6pm. when i got home, i nonchalantly told my family my plans, cuz hey, i'm a hip 10 year old with places to be. yes, i can eat 5 hot dogs, cook em up. anyway, i told my mom to drop me off at the high school at 6, and that i'd call her to get picked up.

another aside... i don't remember saying i'd call her to pick me up, and back then we didn't have cell phones. i have no idea how we coordinated things like that... yea.

so i got to the entrance, but it's a pretty big entrance... and actually there were several entrances to the jubilee, so that was pretty dumb of me to say i'd meet my friends there.... i mean, how was i gonna find them? i walked by the elephant ears stand, over to the parking lot entrance. nope, no one there. i meandered past the spider ride, trying to look like i knew what i was doing, but i probably looked like a lost little boy that had no friends... because that's kind of what i was.

by the time i got back to the high school entrance, the truth set in and i realized that my friends weren't showing up. my mom had just left 15 minutes earlier so i didn't want to call her just yet to come get me. but at the same time, what kind of loser hands out at the orange jubilee by himself? i ended up running into a few people i knew. "oh yeah, i'm on my way to meet seth," i think i said. i should have just swallowed my pride and hung out with them, but for those of u too old to remember, your rep meant a lot back then. welllll ok maybe not so much in 3rd grade, but it just wasn't cool to hang out by yourself. not to mention, i just got totally ditched. let's not forget that part of the story. [edit: i left like 10 minutes later. no fireworks for me.]

so fast forward 14 years to this moment. replace "birthday party" with a really long meeting with my major professor and a few hours in the computer lab getting nowhere with my data. change out "orange jubilee" with an already postponed but promising outing with a new friend. and replace "running into a few people i knew" to chatting with people online and updating my once-defunct blog.

hm. the parallels don't stop:

fireworks and then cancer --> getting trashed with a pretty girl and then getting banned from her bf's cool bar
meandering through the jubilee trying to look cool --> pretending to do work but watching ESPN gamecast in the ag econ computer lab
"i'm on my way to meet seth" --> "well i am pretty tired... i held four office hours today"
i just got ditched --> i just got ditched

but the thing about the orange jubilee story that also falls in line with today's incident is that back then, i kinda shrugged it off. maybe i am just the master of rationalizing things, but in the end i didn't care. i mean i didn't want to explain the situation to the people i ran into and force an awkward convo, but as for the guys that ditched me, whatevz.

and as for tonite, i realize my pathetic night makes for great blog fodder, but in the end i don't really care. the details of my orange jubilee day were far more memorable than the moment i got ditched. and today, tomorrow and the next day are so full to the brim that anything potentially good can only add to it.

i'll stop myself here before i turn into milan kundera.. or dmitri.

men, violins, wine

what do these three have in common? clearly, it's that they get better with age. wine, violins, i mean those are obvious examples. but i'm about to talk about men, and subsequently women. bear with me please. i'm in somewhat of a spontaneous mood right now... so here we go.

so i was on the fazebok just now checkin out some chicks and i realized i have my own little strategy when trying to estimate their hotness from the limited information. before i get shit from you hypocrites about how it's all weird to be stalkerish, i'd just like to say that yes, i'm curious, i'm a nosy dude, and i guess i won't apologize for it. i mean, who's got so much goin on with their lives that they really would mind some attention? i guess i take for granted the fact that i'm not a crazy person.... but that gets me to thinkin...

if there were no "normal" stalkers.... normal "stalkers" i should say, the pool of people stalking would just be the really creepy people, the crazies that would act out in some dangerous or violent or fearful way. but if it was normal to check people out, to see what people are up to and get in their business, out of mere curiosity or genuine interest, i'd say the world would be a safer place. or at least a more trusting place, where the real pariahs could at least try to copy the example of others' decency, as opposed to being provoked and relegated to their midnight stalking and creepiness.

anyway, onto my method. n00bs go straight for the photos, but that's a huge mistake. if you're a guy, you gotta know that your eyes will trick your brain into thinking whatever you or ur dick wants to believe. so u go to their info and peruse, briefly, without thinking too much. it's a huge mistake to look too deeply into each category, as if the person spent hours trying to pick out their favorite bands and books. i mean some people do, but you can't really tell, can you. or sometimes you'll see some witty phrase that says, i'm too cool to care about listening my favorite bands. or maybe the task is too heavy for them, or they're too insecure about being judged.

overall, this first step is just a cursory glance at someone's personality. from worst to best, here are some possible combinations:

the hipster christian who, despite her proclivity for free thinking and loose morals, will never give it up
- religion: something deep that hints at christianity
- activities: somewhere in here will be an emerging church or the name of a fellowship that might be misconstrued for a cafe or acting troupe.
- interests: if there's no mention of GOD!!! it's deliberate... she's a sleeper agent.
- fav music: sufj for sure
- fav tv shows: arrested development, the office, you know the safe picks
- fav movies: amelie, some foreign film, some wes anderson film
- quote: either something literary or something witty, or some semi-flirtatious, inviting comment e.g. just talk to me! ;)

the too-cool-for-school, but not too-cool-for-facebook girl.
- religion: athiest, or some ironic judeo-christian reference that's supposed to be a joke.
- activities: none
- interests: none
- fav music: daft punk, and a handful of bands you've vaguely heard of that are mostly considered cool.
- fav tv shows: some stupid MTV show, house

the hot girl who can't hide her vapidity because she's totally unaware of it
- religion: a specific denomination of christian, or jewish
- activities: stupid college clubs
- interests: obvious stuff like tv, runnning, dancing, shopping... i mean, things that all girls are interested in, so really there's no point in listing it.
- fav music: the killers, kanye, amy winehouse, and other good musicians who make bad music
- fav tv shows: the amazing race! the hills!
- quotes: dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, dream like no one's.... freddy kruger? there are several iterations of this quote, and the more she lists the more self-esteem she lacks.

the ultimate cute girl who i will marry, yes ok this is borderline creepy
- religion: christian
- activities: none
- interests: it doesn't matter... in all honesty this section only matters if she puts something cheesy (long, deep conversations) or something obvious (see hot girl description)
- fav music: a few of the standard cool indie rock bands (sonic youth, arcade fire), a healthy amount of americana, and some out-of-nowhere old school rap
- fav tv shows: THE WIRE... if it's all in caps, extra points.
- quotes: something meaningful, something thoughtful... but not something ironic or witty.

and on a side note, that the ultimate cute girl who i will marry is a christian is not some prerequisite, but a signal that despite being into cool things, she keeps it real by sticking to her religion. or something like that.

so after you check out her interests and loosely categorize her, it's time to move onto photos. first, you have to browse her profile pictures because that's the version of her she wants people to see. sometimes you'll get very adorable pictures, sometimes some funny political or wtf images, and sometimes big groups of people that make it hard to identify who it is you're stalking. all of this should tell you a little bit about their personality, at least moreso than the information provided because.. i mean for profile pics, you actually have to put a little effort into searching for and uploading the image.

next you view their photos. and this process is how i got the idea for this post - that men age better than women. you may be offended, you may be confused, but really you're probably not reading this right now because this post is so goddamn long. anyway, i like to view photos in chronological order. that is, i start from the first photo and end at their most recent photo. i do this for several reasons: for one, i like to see what the person looked like when they were in high school or freshmen in college, because usually at that point if your life you have no sense of style and so if you were pretty then, you're probably pretty now. on the flip side of that, i can see if you gained or lost lots of weight, because i guess the ideal is to stay consistent.

another reason to view photos chronologically is to look for any question marks... as in, what photo doesn't belong in this set? like if the girl is a nice christian girl and then i left-arrow onto a half-naked, drunken french nurse all over some hot chick, i'd say this person has a dark side. the one thing to consider here is that lots of times, photos are taken when people are actually doing something, and they don't capture everyday life. so if someone only has party photos, that doesn't necessarily mean all they do is party. or if someone just has church photos... well actually, that probably means all they do is church stuff. i mean, you take more pictures when you go out, so if you have none to show for then you're probably a huge loser.

so now that we have the rationale down, here are the results. most girls my age get a lot prettier as time goes on. in high school and freshman year in college, as i mentioned, they don't know how to dress, misuse their makeup, and are generally too immature to realize that despite it's unfairness, looks matter. as they get older and fill into their bodies (note, very different from getting fat), they exude confidence, humor, a lightness and beauty. that's a bit overstated. but for the most part, during their mid-20s, these girls are in their best years. a pretty 20-something can get any guy she wants. if a guy wielded that power, and i guess some guys do, he would be a pretty big man whore.

if you've heard of the christmas tree theorem, then you kind of know where i'm going with this. after 25 comes 26. the tree is still bright and beautiful, but time is ticking. 27, tick. 28, tick. 29, 30, 31... why is this tree still here?

really it's multiple factors - the weight of life, stress, the burden of over thinking, the reality of gravity on your once taut skin... very little of it is physical, i think. most of it is that women become tired of life. they are not old, but their lightness, their humor, their confidence ages a bit. and somehow it shows. i've heard it said that as a woman gets older, she becomes more open to random hookups. they have less social structure and safe communities that frown upon bad decisions and support her to make good ones. they realize they can't have just anyone they want, and generally you want what you can't have. they're all too aware of the life-tolls they've paid on their faces, the backs of their legs, their hands... and it's this hyperawareness that is not beautiful. because their faces, their legs, their hands are mostly the same.

if you look at a guy in chronological order on fb, here's what you'll see. first, a goofy, awkward set of limbs moving into his college dorm. second, embarrassing pictures that he probably should take down, pictures of him drunk doing things that were TOTALLY AWESOME... at the time. then lots of boring things like hiking, college events, concerts, etc. but like a tree he is growing, and by the most recent pictures you'll see a twenty-something coming into his own. physically, he's not fully grown, not like a man in his mid-thirties with something of a belly and kids and stuff. but he's growing, he's getting there. his hair is what it ought to be. his clothes are not impressive but fitting. he learned how to smile in pictures.

but overall, the guy is a work in progress, and will continue to be until... well until he dies i guess. there is no peak for a man, but a continual climb upwards. the age lines that mark his face indicate wisdom, confidence, virility for having lasted that long. his sinewy arms will have meant years of use and labor, his enlarged waist a sign of gustatory pleasure, experienced over and over. his hair may turn a distinguished gray or he may become beautifully bald. as his body enlarges, he becomes more masculine. he becomes more fully himself, boring through the holes in his self-image to emerge as an older, better man.

every year he looks back and laughs. mistakes are learned from and victories are celebrated again in his active mind. last year he was a child; this year, less so. hindsight, to him, sees growth and improvement, even where those things did not exist. he still has a temper. he still is stubborn. but the weariness of his humanity doesn't weigh down on him. the hardness of life serves to temper his will, not beat the lightness out of him.

you can see it in a photo and you can see it in his face. for a woman, you'll see how the city sucked the life out of her. you'll see how lovers have broken her and how the heaviness convinced her that she's not quite what she was. but for a man, he is better than who he was, and he can be better than who he is. and that's what drives him. a driven man is too busy and focused to realize his terrible faults. he's too driven to die of old age. his body will not break down against his will. life will not erode on him, but a crisis can stop a man in his tracks. a death or shock or sudden disillusionment can derail a man. the death of a loved one, of his better half or of his children, will slow him down to a halt. and life will catch up with him then. you'll see the tiredness in his eyes and the heaviness on his knees. at that point, he's on his last mile.

the death of a man's better half will take its toll on a man because he's not complete without her. part of a man's fulfillment is the pursuit of a woman, which in itself is worthwhile and a good reason for just about anything. without a woman to pursue and eventually fulfill, a man will break down like a machine missing a part. but with a woman he becomes something more than what he was yesterday.

can i say the same for a woman? i've heard it said that some girls will eat a stick of butter after they get married. sure, people let loose a bit after some comfort. but by doing so, is she she becoming more of a woman, or is she become more of a man? and if she resents the difference, would she be happier treated as a man? probably not. if she goes down that road, she'll probably cheat on her husband with a man who treats her like a woman.

anyway, when a man ages, he becomes more of a man. when a woman ages and becomes less of a woman, that's a sad thing to see. but when a woman ages and puts on years of beauty and experience, and she sheds the trivialities of her youth, the frivolous insecurities and petty ambitions, she becomes more of herself, and whole. and the world needs more people whole.