too many mind

fin

2009-09-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

i've had a pretty good run here in northern california over the past 2+ years but, as they say, all good things must come to an end. i've finished my thesis, gotten my master's and am shipping out to ghana for the next 2+ years to work for a research nonprofit. in just a few hours, i'll be saying goodbye to my house and my parents and all the safe confines of sacramento for something a bit more exciting.

normally, i get pretty emo when i turn the page on another chapter of my life. even that figure of speech is pretty emo. but this time i feel a bit too overwhelmed with all the changes and the lack of transition to really look back and be sad, or to look forward and be really excited. but even though the feelings aren't there, i know i'll miss a lot about california (despite my constant complaints about its inhabitants) and i'm sure i'll write about my time here ex-post, when i have a little perspective on it all.

but like i say, all good things must come to an end, and even though this blog kind of dwindled as time went on, and overall it wasn't even that great, it too must come to an end. so pretty much everything comes to an end, whether it's good or bad. anyway! the point is i'm starting a new blog, one i won't be exporting to the all-too-public facebook, but will provide here, embedded in this paragraph, the URL so that only the ones who are real interested can read it... i mean, what is the point of blogging except to get people to read it, comment, stalk (but eventually comment, that means you, whoever you are) and well here is the address - it's dgrabngrab dot wordpress dot com, so if i don't know you, you should visit the blog, don't worry i won't google analytics u and do some reverse stalking, i probably won't have time and even if i did i wouldn't. you can trust me.

okay so now i will sign off this blog forever, and i will bid you all adieu.

a quick break in thesis writing:

2009-06-10T23:12:00.000-07:00

one thing that helps making writing about random coefficients and insurance contracts more enjoyable is listening to hardcore gangster rap. one gripe i have with rap / hip hop though is that there just isn't enough of what i enjoy, and the new guys just aren't as good as the current or older ones.

so i've taken it upon myself to find some more hip hop that will help me get through the doldrums of thesis writing, and now i will present that research to you.

usually these kinds of lists preface themselves with some line like, "if you like ___, then you'll love ___!" but in reality, i like the originals better than these new guys i am suggesting. but as i said, the volume these OG's put out just isn't enough to satisfy my needs. so here it is:

if you love: t.i.

then you'll like: pill

while t.i. goes on his year and a day hiatus in some cushy prison cell (think avon barksdale in the wire: kfc, playstation, hardcore criminals stopping their softball game so he can walk by...), someone's gotta take the throne as king of atl. well i'll tell you right now it's not pill. i don't know much about this guy and i don't care. but he put out a mixtape with some random ass producer (dj burn one..?) and let me tell you, pill sounds a lot like t.i.. he even cops some of his beats to exhibit his above-average lyrical skills. some of the songs are pretty bad, but most of them are listenable to good. so overall, pill's mixtape is worth a free download.

if you love: young jeezy

then you'll like: gorilla zoe

if t.i. is the king of atlanta, jeezy is the king of the trap. the snowman's flow is dark, scary and very addictive. befitting for a guy whose made his career flaunting his drug lord street cred. and the thing is, i think he's just getting better and better. i s2 young jeezy. if young is what you want, then young is what you getting... with the same ominous tone and life-threatening raps of gorilla zoe. that's zoe as in alonzo... not sure where that extra e came from. must be from all the beans he's poppin while he's all day trappin. like jeezy, zoe's flow is infectious and straightforward, though with a bit less character (and originality). what he lacks though is the star-studded production staff that backs dr. jeezy, though some of his songs are catchy as hell.

if you love: kanye

then you'll like: drake

you may have heard drizzy drake on the radio in one of two top 40 hits: the single "best i ever had" and as a feature on young money's "every girl." consider the latter: "what are all your names, again? we drunk, remind us/ are any of ya'll into girls like i am - lesbi-honest..." as an emcee, drake is 100 times better than yeezy. as a singer, drake is 1000 times better. he looks like a cheezy rnb star as it is, and he's a self-proclaimed workaholic who doesn't like the club scene. when he goes off on an introspective rap, he points out nuances about his insecurities that most people wouldn't realize they had. example: "transitioning from fitting in to standing out/ watchin Hov's show, embarrassed to pull my camera out." subtle and poignant.

his singles out right now are good, but don't be fooled... drake is for real.

if you love: outkast

then you'll like: hollyweerd

outkast has a special place in any self-respecting hip hop fan's heart, and i find it a bit odd that their influence isn't reaching a lot of emcees these days. in fact it's hard to find a quality hip hop "group" now, and even outkast is a once-in-a-while reunion of big boi and 3 stacks (more on him later).

there is one group of fellow atliens that are stepping into the void of genre-bending, catchy hip hop once occupied by 'kast. who am i kidding, outkast is still the best. but hollyweerd is next on the list. they're a quartet of emcees that blend hip hop, jazz and indie rock into something that's actually listenable. normally when you genre-blend everything together, what you get is some cheezy self-righteous world-music crap. hollyweerd though hits the right tone of fun-loving rappers who happen to like jazz and indie rock. and best of all, they don't rap about how hip hop is dead; they almost exclusively rap about atlanta.

if you love: andre 3000

then you'll like: b.o.b.

this is an anticlimactic ending to this list. in reality, if you love 3 stacks then you should listen to some old lil wayne if you haven't already. weezy wants andre's balls so badly it's sad, and while wayne is bar-none in lyrical creativity, he just doesn't have the musical chops or sensibility to match 3k.

the artist formerly known as b.o.b., or bobby ray, is an up and comer from atl who sounds just like andre when he raps. that and their atl connection may be the only thing that you can compare, but see for yourself. he's got several mixtapes and a proper album coming out this year.

*****

i'd post individual songs to illustrate what i'm talking about but this has taken too long... also, if the links don't work, you'll have to just do your own searching. but so as not to leave you emptyhanded, i'll give you a dirty south sampler which features pretty much all these guys. except for kanye. and.... forgive the oceans 7 song, though some may find it too catchy to pass up despite dupri's "rap".

dl mix 5: the dirty south.

mix5.zip

tracklist:

1 Funkin Around Outkast

2 Seat Down Low Lil Wayne

3 Hollie Oillie (Focus) Hollyweerd

4 Wasted (Feat. Plies) Gucci Mane

5 Shooter Lil Wayne

6 Throw Some D's Remix

7 What It Is Gorilla Zoe

8 Poppin Them Bottles (Featuring Currency & Mac Maine) Lil Wayne

9 The Art Of Storytellin' Part 4 feat. Outkast & Marsha Ambrosius DJ Drama

10 what you know T.I.

11 Hypnotize (Produced By Shawty Redd) Young Jeezy

12 Im Goin In f. Lil Wayne & Young Jeezy [NoDJ] Drake

13 Wheres The Love Oceans 7

14 International Players Anthem Outkast

15 Super Fresh T.I.

16 Pro Nails (Rusko Rmx) Hollyweerd

17 Where The Cash At Lil Wayne

18 On The Corner f Sean Kingston Gorilla Zoe

19 Streets On Lock (Produced By Cool N Dre) Young Jeezy

20 Georgia Bush Lil Wayne

silver lining

2009-05-26T21:15:00.001-07:00

i'm not as depressed after the cavs lost game 4 for a few reasons: 1) we played really great pick and roll defense down the stretch, 2) we are going back home, 3) we're the best team in basketball and 4) we have lebron.

more on point 1 - it's no surprise that big z is pretty useless in the playoffs. he was last year and the year before. i think the idea for him being out there is to get dwight howard out of the paint using his 18 footer, and on defense to use his length to possibly get some boards. but that doesn't work when z isn't hitting his jumper or isn't involved on offense. what hurts us more is how ineffective he is against the screen and roll. he is so freaking slow that when they do their screen and roll with hedo and dwight, z shows hard and has to run (slowly) back to dwight. meanwhile a guard is covering dwight and has to wait longer to rotate out to the three point shooters while z is lumbering back to the paint. this leaves pietrus wide open for 3 where he's knocked them down consistently (unlike delonte).

but if you put andy in for z, he shows hard and gets back to the paint fast enough for the guard to cover the three point line. this was clear throughout the fourth quarter when we used a small lineup. we covered all their three point shooters, so the magic had to either drive, shoot a contested 2 or throw it into dwight. but unless dwight was within 8 feet of the basket, it was an almost automatic turnover because he doesn't really have any post moves and andy is very annoying.

it's pretty clear that if we play small we can win this series. mike brown is a very slow learner. think about this - why do you think lebron tipped off against superman in overtime? why not put Z in there? it's because he wanted our small lineup on there for the entire overtime. then why why why why, mike brown, would you put a bigger, slower guy (ben wallace) on a jumpshooter (rashard lewis) in the final inbounds play for the magic? the lineup we had was perfect - west on hedo and lebron on lewis. mike brown really let his team down by putting in a big, slow post defender in to defend a jumpshooter in a situation where everyone in the world knew lewis or turkaglu was going to shoot a 3.

if i were mike brown this is what i would do: first off, tell my team to stay home on three point shooters. go with a small lineup with lebron playing power forward throughout the game. rotate your bigs in to foul dwight, saving andy for the fourth quarter. in the first quarter, use Z to try to get howard out of his game by firing away his 18 footers and challenging him on the boards. on the pick and roll, stay home on 3 point shooters and foul dwight like crazy. if Z doesn't have 2 fouls within the first 4 minutes of next game, he's really not doing his job. joe beast is like the shorter, smarter version of Z. he should foul out next game.

as for our backcourt, play delonte for the entire game and mo for almost the whole game. play either boobie, sasha or szcerbiak, depending on who's gonna show up. the disparity in bench production doesn't matter; we just need one guy to get into double figures by knocking down shots. the more important thing is that we play small and play fast. we need to kill them in transition and disrupt the flow of their offense with good rotation on defense. we need to force dwight howard to make plays in the post and foul shots. let superman get 30. the magic cannot win without good three point shooting, and they won't get that if we play small.

i have no faith in mo's jumpshot anymore. sure he'll get his points, but he's been missing some crucial spot-up 3's, and he's forcing the issue too much. at one point he called off lebron so he could drive to the basket, where he lost it out of bounds. by the time we got it back, there was less than 1 second on the shot clock. we all know it's not a good sign when everyone clears out for lebron and he goes 1-5. why would it be a good idea for mo to do the same thing? just like last year, the second best player on the cavs is delonte. he needs to be featured more because he has a mismatch on him almost every time. tonight when rafer defended him, delonte immediately took him to the post and scored. when hedo guarded him, he took him off the dribble and pulled up for a wide open bucket. when they play him close he drove right to dwight howard and finished. the only aspect of his game that is lacking is his spot up shooting. i remember him missing 2 wide open corner 3's, which resulted in a score on the other end - a 6 point swing each time.

on point number 2 i will say this - boobie plays better at home and he looks hungry. he's not a defensive liability especially when the magic go with anthony carter, who can knock down 3s and pass but is slow and has no post up game. we only need one guy to step up off the bench to knock down shots and he'll take the call.

for point 3, i still believe we're the best team in basketball. we finished with the best record, had the biggest point differential and swept through the first two rounds of the playoffs. as long as we keep our heads together and not panic, we will be fine. that might sound too easy, but it seems like confidence is very hard to attain in the NBA. for example, Z was a pretty decent 3 point shooter in the regular season. but in this series, he's chucked it every time he's been in the corner, open or not, and not one has gone in. he's forcing it and rushing it - a sign of panic. i think if we keep our composure, amp up the tempo and play focused, cavaliers basketball, we can win 3 in a row.. actually i believe we can blow them out 3 times in a row if we play our best, no matter how well the magic play.

point 4 - lebron. even though it took mike brown 3 quarters to realize that we should be playing small, lebron almost won it for us on a 40 foot jumpshot. any time he is on the floor, we have a chance of winning.

when depression sets in...

2009-05-20T20:56:00.001-07:00

what does a guy do when depression sets in? when it feels like fate itself is bent against him? clearly, the answer is this: post on his blog. and so here i am.

but blogging is not enough right now. my heart is broken, shattered into little shards like the T-1000 after he freezes in nitrogen and explodes into pieces of frozen flesh when arnold shoots him.

so i've thrown on some old school bright eyes to remind me that at least someone can join me in my self-pity. "and i know he heard me strumming all those sad and simple chords as i sat inside my room so long ago..." yes connor, i've heard you strumming, and those simple chords resonate the heartstrings inside me. i too have sat sat alone in my room. waiting. watching. as the cavs lose game 1 of the eastern conference finals.

they lose after being up by double digits in the third quarter. they lose after a prolific performance by the Chosen One. they lose when they know that the already crippled Cleveland economy will come to a standstill from mass depression.

this may seem like a joke to you, but it's not. i immediately left my house after the loss and went to a cafe. the lady taking my order asked me how i was. i said i was depressed because the cavs lost. she looked at me weird but, how can you blame me? who else can i turn to now besides a stranger? i can't go online to my familiar websites. espn.com is now off limits. it's on parental block. i can't check my google reader cuz of all the sports sites i subscribe to. every status update on facebook is a biblical-worthy lamentation.

after this tea maybe i'll have a few bottles of jameson and a pack of red marlboro's.

woe is me.

the window has closed! / hipsters vs hippies / anorak christmas / social smoking

2009-05-03T16:45:00.001-07:00

this post is not about hip hop.... so feel free to read it.

i'm listening to this mix i made before i went to brussels. actually i initially made this mix for someone else, but i ended up just adding to it until it became an assortment of songs that i'd listen to all the time. and so i've associated most of the songs with experiences i had, like going to night markets, getting mugged, walking in late to work (this happened every day... i am not a morning person) or just making dinner or walking around on the uneven cobblestones of brussels. and now i'm taking a little stroll down memory lane, listening to this mix while working on my thesis.

i just got back a little while ago, but already i feel rooted in davis again. brussels is in the definite past, if that makes sense. and now that i'm kind of reflecting on my time there, i've made a little theory: the time it takes to settle down in a place is the only time you have to make changes in your life, and after that window of opportunity closes, you're more or less stuck in the direction you're headed and the group of people you're with. of course friendships evolve and a few changes may happen here and there, but in terms of huge overhauls, life decisions, new commitments and stuff like that, those only happen when you're in the midst of transition.

once that window closes, once-unimportant things become priorities. like... getting sleep, or spending alone time to reflect, or sticking to your schedule. people become more risk averse, less spontaneous, and more inward-focused. that is to say, focusing on their careers, their personal mental or physical health, and their close group of friends or whatnot. anyway, i think i had about a 2 week period where i was still energized to do new things and i think i did a pretty decent job to orient myself in a way where now i can at least still learn new things and be stimulated and stuff. i started working on the student farm which has been really fun, i got in touch with the people i wanted to continue talking to, i'm recommitted to finishing my thesis and am making headway there, went to a few shows, i go to the bay area more often.... things i cut out of my life are hanging out with hipsters, sleeping, and exercising.

well that was all probably very boring but sometimes it's nice to just talk about yourself to... yourself. as i said i am in a reflective mood. moving on ->

a friend told me recently that i'm becoming a hippie. or more that i'm becoming how she used to be, since i work on a farm and we happen to be eating at this really hippie restaurant called "the farmers kitchen." i took offense to that because, well, i don't really care about the environment enough. and by enough i mean at all. and on several other occasions, people have called me a hipster which i don't like. it's like being called the typical youngest child, as if i can't see that that's a euphemism for someone who is spoiled and irresponsible.

i started writing out a definition of a hipster but it came dangerously close to just describing myself. :(

i still don't think i'm a hipster. i mean, am i like this?

hipsters be damned!.... when will you accept me as one of you?

anyway lately when i've been writing blogs, i never know when to stop so they become really long, boring and as i've been informed somewhat emo. but the show must go on. this reminds me of when i was in 8th grade science class. let's just say i wasn't the coolest kid in class. i bought this anorak and in the winter i started wearing it, and some punks in the class thought it would be funny to put stuff in the hood. that was funny for a while but then one fateful day, this kid pulled my hood, causing me to jerk my head back and make a weird noise. well they thought this was hilarious so they did it more often. as a self-conscious teenage kid, i didn't really know how to respond. i should have just not worn the anorak anymore since i looked pretty stupid constantly getting whiplash, but i didn't want to give the bully any more satisfaction by letting him know he had won. so i kept wearing it, every day, until the end of the year, even when it got hot. and you know what? i was SO HOT all year.

mine was blue, but just as goofy looking

but anyway, as i said, the blog must go one, in spite of how stupid this is becoming. it's a war of attrition and i will come out on top by sheer... attrition. ? hum.

so this is the last topic. there are many things in the world i don't understand - in fact, since high school and like socrates, i knew that i know nothing. and one thing i definitely don't understand is the idea of social smoking. i suppose the draw is that it looks cool, but what you're really doing is wasting a perfectly good cigarette. to me, a cigarette is like a special treat, one that you enjoy once in a while while you think, breathe, and slow down. i only do it when i'm alone, so i'm not distracted from the enjoyment. so in that way social smoking makes 0 sense.

i mean... for those social smokers who actually inhale the death-smoke, they're way too distracted to let the effects of the cigarette take.. effect (my vocabulary ran out a long time ago). for those who don't inhale, they end up just burning paper and making everyone's clothes smell bad. and woe is s/he who socially smokes but doesn't even like cigarettes! the jury is still out on people who only smoke when they drink. i've heard it said that it enhances the effect of the alcohol... but it doesn't do anything for in that way.

you are losers

until next time, adieu!

2 legit 2 quit

2009-04-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

one thing i love about hip hop that some people can't stand is the tendency for rappers to constantly refer to themselves, their crew, their money, their women, rapping skills, etc. understandably it's a form of megalomania, materialism, misogyny.. but i think one unique thing it does is legitimize the emcee as someone to be heard and remembered. referring to someone or something in the third person establishes it as something that exists in general and can be seen and heard by other people. this is true even if a person refers to himself in the third person. and if he says his name enough times in a catchy enough song, people will remember him and associate him as an emcee.

i don't mean that a rapper who says he's the best rapper alive becomes the best rapper just because he says so. what that claim does though is establish a frame of reference in which this person can be observed. in that way it makes him legit. of course when other emcees drop his name, that makes him even more legit. in academia, a professor is deemed legit when other professors cite their research. but a guy's gotta start somewhere, right?

awhile ago, i was talking to my friend dan about the korean american community in atlanta. in my mind, there's nothing for a korean american to identify with in atlanta, no concrete movement to associate with. and it's not because korean american atliens don't have an identity. i just think they haven't solidified it, they haven't put it in words or a meeting or a movement. that's one reason why the arts are so important in creating an identity for a group of people, so that they can have a point of reference for who they are. and i don't mean a song that explicitly says what it means to be a korean american in atlanta. that would defeat the whole purpose of art, since it's the only thing that can be abstract enough for different people to identify with it. it'd have to have elements that korean americans can uniquely associate with, something that they can be proud of and have fun with.

think about what it means to be a black person in atlanta. you've got rappers name-dropping landmarks in atlanta - peachtree street, magic city, cafe intermezzo, 1tweezy, the velvet room, spelman, clark, morris brown, freaknik, the hawks, the falcons, etc... and it becomes circular. now rappers drop u.g.k., goodie mob, outkast, and now t.i. and jeezy as pioneers of atl hip hop. they've forged an identity from everyday life in atlanta by laying it down in words in a style that's distinctly southern. of course there's more to being black in atlanta, but the arts have definitely helped legitimize atlanta as the black capital of america (i just made that up..)

anyway i'm not sure what the point of all this is. this is pretty boring and all just a distraction from writing my thesis. maybe i should write a rap about crop insurance. i'll spit it for my committee when i defend my thesis.

night time is the right time

2009-04-23T00:07:00.000-07:00

i need momentum going into an endeavor to make it work. i have tons of interests but none of them pan out until i get some kind of push. examples of those can be:

a deadline or requirement (my thesis is a good example)
someone telling me or encouraging me to do it (... you could probably make me do anything. please don't.)
new tools (ex: i found a cool old notebook in my closet. so i'm going to make that my bible notebook, since i don't think i can stand going to a church, maybe i can at least draw pictures of bible scenes and make that my religious activity of the week)
new tools ex 2 - finding the list button on the blog editor thing.

driving home today i realized that i've made some headway on a few interests that i thought were impenetrable. one is agriculture, which is at once ridiculously simple (i mean, anyone can farm) yet a total mystery to most people including me. well i'm on a mission to learn more about agriculture while getting a killer farmer's tan. if you're at davis and you see me on campus, and i'm covered in dirt and sweat, it's probably because i just got off the farm, and i don't live in davis so i can't shower. so please forgive me.

also, tackling a new genre of music is always intimidating. i had always wanted to get into hip hop.. it's a really complex and rich genre and like jazz, it's an american creation. but no matter how in depth you think about it, there's always the side of hip hop that just makes for fun party bangers. it's just totally unique compared to any other kind of music - take curren$y, a rapper from new orleans who just released a CD (which is new for him, since all his other releases were free mix tapes, another unique aspect of hip hop). that he has a dollar sign in his name is one thing, but what other artist can get away with spelling his name in his songs just to clarify that it's not an s, it's a dollar sign.

... i just realized, there's no s in currency. :(

anyway the point is, after years of probing, i finally got into hip hop, and though i don't know much about the older stuff, i'd say that i'm up to date on at least a section of what's going on right now. how did this happen? i have no clue. like most endeavors, it's like i just kept running into a wall, not realizing what progress i've made until i look back. that being said... there are a few goals i've always had that i've made no headway in. like working out. or learning a language. or anything involving relationships. or spelling.

goodnight moon.

edit: i just wiki'd goodnight moon, and i read that it was written in feminine rhyme (when two or more syllables rhyme). emcees who can rap in feminine rhyme are awesome. look for it in songs and it will greatly enhance ur appreciation for how clever and thoughtful even the most crude rappers are.

quick example: lil wayne's feat in outkast's hollywood divorce -

Yea, and I don't have to go to Hollywood

cause Hollywood come through my neighborhood with cameras on

I really think they're stealin from us like a sample song
I really wish one day we'd take it back like Hammer's home
The hurricane come and took my Louisiana home

and all I got in return was a dern country song

This whole country wrong

What would you write if you just put a little ice on

and cut your mic on
but you don't even write songs
but Hollywood make you spit like a python

[this part is really hard to point out with bold cuz of how he talks...]

I meant Cobra, I'm so not sober

I'm high like a Hollywood
coffee or soda
You can call me a roller
Hold up

Your grill's glistenin'

Spent a hundred thousand on mine to feel different - what's the real sense of it?
Uhhh Bling bling, I know
and did you know I'm the creator of the term
I just straightened the perm and let it sit too long, they just makin it burn
Make a movie of our lifestyle
But they earn like a dead body burned on a mantlepiece
That's why I try not to lie on wax like this candle grease
and I be's the little nigga cooler than anti-freeze defrost on your window pane - Lil Wayne
but in Hollywood it's Litt-le Wayne
don't make me not

so that's why I got a pre-nup - I do

blogging is in

2009-04-19T16:19:00.000-07:00

i'm going to update this blog now. i don't quite know what to say or write about anymore, and personal blogs mostly suck these days anyway. but looking at all the topical blogs out there, and the endless twittering and stuff like that, there's definitely an absence of interesting and original (that is, not some article that i think is interesting that i'm linking to my blog) thought. so here you go.

unfortunately for you i have not much to say other than to report things about my life. so i guess i'll tell you a moment in my life and my thoughts surrounding it.

- yesterday was picnic day at davis. it's an annual drunk-fest where people come out of hiding and invade the streets of davis. literally hundreds of thousands of people show up. ok maybe 100,000 people. but yeah so there were lots of stuffs going on, and at one point i found myself at a record store to see a friend. a guy was playing an acoustic set and let me tell you... it was pretty hilarious. i don't know if you could have scripted a more typical hipster setting. the store was brimming with pretentiousness and cool, impersonal interaction. the performer was playing some sleep-inducing / slit-your-wrists inspirational tunes off his latest album. in between songs, the guy mentioned liking the new deerhunter album and asked the captive audience what some good albums were so far in 2009 (note: this was confusing because deerhunter is releasing a new EP soon, and their last album was released in 2008). someone mentioned neko case's new offering which really is one of the best new albums this year. and he said, "yeah that's good, a bit poppy but good." wtf?? a bit poppy? and your music is...? jump off a cliff, you pretentious prick. i stepped out at that point and perused some half off used CDs. there were some classic hits - boyz 2 men, paula abdul... i was very close to buying a tim buckley cd.

side note: my best albums of 2009 so far are: neko case, middle cyclone; freeway, month of madness (songs recorded in 2008 but released as one mixtape in 2009); hollyweerd, electricity showroom; animal collective, merriweather post pavillion. i haven't really listened to that much new music actually.

another side note: one good thing about living in brussels was that there wasn't much of a separation between the artsy community and the normal community. there was no super-informed underground crowd. people in general i think were more sophisticated and appreciated the arts. i went to this one show, this american folk singer sam amidon, and as a performer he was being really weird. he was doing pushups and some interpretive dancing and shit. and the people there just looked like regular joes. no tatted up arms and ironic tshirts. and afterwards they said they liked the american folk singer but he was a little weird. that was refreshing because that's exactly what it was... here in the states, his performance would have been cool and artistic and if you didn't get it, that meant you weren't cool and artistic. sometimes you just gotta call it how you see it.

- i think i'm going to go back to church. i'm not sure if i believe everything the way i used to believe when it comes to christian doctrine or how people perceive it. really i don't care about any of that, nor do i care about having the right reasons to come back... maybe i should just make a list of things i don't care about. i wish this blog could support an outline format. oh wait it does. when it comes to religion and church, i don't care about:

faith and religion not really making sense, that life after death doesn't really make sense, and that the bible sometimes doesn't make sense. you don't make sense.
having the right attitude. in fact i'm almost certain i want to go to church to pick up girls.
church being uncool... well no i do care about that. not about what other people think, cuz i don't think that's what makes church uncool. what makes it uncool is the people. but what will you do, i can't force them out.
there is a lot of negativity in this list.

- how can i write a blog without mentioning the cavs? i, like every other clevelander, is excited but not too excited... i know we're going to make it to the finals but can we beat the lakers? of course we can, and i'll argue with anyone who thinks otherwise... but in my mind, i just can't imagine what it'll be like to have a championship in cleveland. i just have no idea what that is like and i won't know what i will do. maybe i'll name my firstborn delonte or zydrunas. maybe i'll try to friend the cavs roster on fb. actually what i should do is go to new york and have a reunion with my old high school friends, cuz other htan my brother they're the only other people who are pulling for the cavs.

side note: people from philly talk about how they were the most cursed sports team before the philly's won the world series, and to argue they mentioned how they were the only city with 4 major sports teams (bball, baseball, football and hockey) that didn't win a 'ship in a while. to that i have to say... WHO CARES ABOUT HOCKEY??? seriously that sport is a joke. it's fun to watch live but on tv, it sucks. and who actually follows it in the regular season except for the fans in each city that actually attend games? hockey is a joke and shouldn't be included as a major sport when debating which city has suffered the most hardship. yes, this is a very defensive and immature rant. except when you think about it, cleveland is defined by hardship and to strip us of that mantle - that we experience the most hardship than any other city, embodied by our tough-luck sports teams - - and because of hockey, no less - is to negate us. well... to label us, then negate us.

last thought before i get back to my thesis... i think the rue kids are pretty horrible at relationships. really i think california is the worst thing that could have happened to us in terms of personal and social growth. this place is just too easy and people are too superficial. i'm so glad to have grown up in ohio where people are interested in people.

2009, Brussels

2009-01-19T05:44:00.001-08:00

it's about high time that i update this blog for several reasons. one, it's 2009 and i haven't posted / thought of any new years resolutions. and two, i'm in brussels, and i'd like to update all of you on what i've been doing.

but the actual (and only) reason i ever update this blog is because i have nothing better to do. if you remember, after a recess from too many mind, i posted several homesick and angsty entries when i was in peru last summer. so you can expect the same (if not more!) in both quantity and quality during my stay in brussels.

so to catch you up to speed: i'm in brussels, belgium for the next several months working as an intern for the foreign agricultural service of the USDA. yes, like USDA beef. except in our office we work on agricultural policy issues pertaining to US and EU relations. big ones now are hormones in US beef, genetically modified food/feed and biofuels. issues that i know little to nothing about, at least right now.

i arrived on a friday and caught a cab to my flat, which is in central brussels. since then i've pretty much sat in this chair (the one the computer is facing) for the past several days, waiting for a familiar screenname to pop up amidst a shoddy internet connection.

i've travelled a few times before, sometimes alone, and i

know that i always hate a place when i first arrive. it's gotten more severe recently, probably because i'm happier and more settled in california than i've ever been, but within a week or so i fall in love with my new country or culture or workplace. i only see the good things and become insufferably optimistic. this "bright and sunny" chris may run counter to your view of me, but trust me, he exists. as of now, he lays dormant under the gray and cloudy skies of brussels.

speaking of brussels, here's a view of the alley/street from my window. there's a little kitty cat that watches me from the flat across the street. i'd wave at him but, as you can see, the curtain is drawn and usually a man is standing right there cooking for most of the day. so i usually just give the kat a little head nod on my way into my apartment.

since i've spent most of my time so far in my flat, i might as well tell you about it. the building is old but inside it's cozy and everything seems to work correctly. except for the shower, which the first few days didn't produce hot water. that, and most of the little holes in the shower head were clogged, so water would shoot out of the few remaining open holes with tremendous pressure. i took one arctic blast shower, which included no shampoo but soap, and no towel. i've since had the landlord fix the shower, bought shampoo and a towel. i'm excited to take a hot shower, be completely clean and then dry myself fully.

see that's the thing so far, i half expected to come to europe and have an amazing cultural experience, what with old architecture and statues at every corner. but so far i've been too inundated with the chores of survival, like getting food at the grocery, buying toilet paper (a story for another time) and learning the subway system, all in a foreign, french-speaking

society. i'm sure i'll get to the cultural stuff soon enough. let's move on.

here's my bed. where the magic happens. the magic of not being able to sleep because of jet lag. it's actually very comfortable... i'll give it to anyone who comes and visits, and u will see!

and here's the kitchen. i spent several days hunting the convenient stores for salt and pepper. i was convinced they didn't have it, until i ran into my landlord there and he showed me the several rows of salt and pepper that i somehow missed. also, i bought what i thought was alfalfa, and when i tried to extract it from the box, it was stuck to this brown

soil-type stuff. i looked up what it was online and it wasn't alfalfa, but watercress. i have no idea what that is.

mmm to be honest my brussels experience so far hasn't been as bleak as i'm making it out to be. two nights ago, i went out with some of my friend's friends, a couple that just moved out here. we explored some of the bars and had some belgian beers. i noticed one that i had back in atlanta called tripel karmeliet, and guess what? it tastes much better in belgium! this is true.

afterwards we had some belgian fries with some curry ketchup. it was a fun night, one that i hope i'll repeat on most nights that i'm here. but until i have a consistent social life, i'm happy that i have such a comfy flat to hole up in.

oh and my 2009 resolutions. i guess you can tune out here, if you've made it this far. or start reading here if you don't particularly care about my non-exploits in brussels. first off, what did i resolve to do in 2008? i don't even remember. hm. i might as well start there:

1) reconnect with god - uber fail

2) not to be a selfish bastard - i failed horribly in some ways but gained some ground in others

3) go to the gym - umm.. if you see me you'll know

4) read and write - i guess i didn't do so bad in this area

so this year i resolve to do those four things again, except do them for real. for reconnecting with God, i think i'm gonna go to a church when i get back from europe. maybe start reading the bible. it would've been a good idea to bring one with me to europe...

for number 2, i realize that i'm a lot less caring than i was before. i should start caring about other people, and really listen to them even if i think their problems are petty like mine. i've made friends with some real caring people and you can totally tell the difference between them and everyone else. i guess i'm just so impressionable sometimes that when i'm around too-cool hipster elitists, i become one against my every intention.

number 3, go to the gym. why do i even put this up. i think a part of me is waiting for my metabolism to slow down and for me to just get fat like everyone else does - by doing nothing.

number 4 - reading and writing. i actually kicked major ass last year because i wrote on my own, wrote for the newspaper and i read lots of good books. this year i'm going to write a lot - for my thesis. which i resolve to finish. and i will read lots of books.

number 5 - get a real job. this isn't really a resolution... it's more like, if i don't do this then i'll starve, or just be really pathetic and live at home. which i resolve not to do.

number 6 - learn a language. it's about time i learn a language other than english, and i mean really know how to speak it. almost all the jobs i'd like to have require fluency in at least two languages. maybe if i have no friends after next week i'll enroll in a french learning class, so at least something fruitful will come out of my time here other than a few publications and a hole in my wallet.

number 7 - seven is a good number to stop at. what should the last one be? i don't know. give me some ideas!

until next time. au revoir!

WHY IS MY CLOCK WRONG

2008-11-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

so i woke up today at 10:30am and said to myself, wow i am a lazy ass. i did nothing yesterday, yet i woke up today exhausted and already kind of annoyed. i would blame it on the gray weather but that would be conceding to a psychological weakness, and i am not weak in any area of life.

but when i got to my computer, the clock definitely said 9:30. did i add an hour to the clock while i was sleeping? have i been waking up an hour early for several weeks and not just not noticing it? all of these were possibilities. that is, until i went on fb and someone mentioned daylight savings. and it got me thinking.

maybe this "fall back" thing will help me out of my so-called weather-induced depression. after all, (a) i get an extra hour of sleep and (b) it is nice and sunny by the time i wake up. or here's another theory. maybe, like bears, humans need to go in something of a hibernation. mmm no. this is already a stupid theory because tons of people live in places where there are no seasons.

but to suspend logic and reason for a moment, let's say humans need to go into something of a hibernation. in places with four seasons, winter comes and slows life down. it enforces a certain rhythm on ppl's lives. there's a time and season for everything, says the bible and the byrds. what if you live in a place where, say, there is no snow. maybe a little rain, but you can still walk around in a tshirt and go about your life in a regular fashion. there's no rhythm to your life - it's just a constant pace 365 days a year. that makes life boring, repetitive and depressing. it's like eating your favorite food every day. it's great for a while but then you just crave all that crappy food like wendy's and chocolate bars and stuff. when you get a freezing winter forced on you, life slows down and you go inside with ur friends and family. and when the spring comes, there's euphoria like none other - outdoor football comes to mind. man that is awesome.

also, living in a city with four seasons also makes everyone go through some bothersome experiences, like scraping ice off your car, shoveling snow and walking through freezing weather. i guess nobody really likes those things, but doesn't the saying go, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger? i mean there must be some kind of truth in that. so multiply that tiny growth in character across millions of people that reside in a snowy city, and you've got a significant increase in high-quality people when you compare it to a place with blue skies and no worries.

aside - goddamn that damned phrased, "no worries." i dunno it just rubs me the wrong way. like if someone says thanks, and you say no worries, it's like.... yeah, it's no problem because i'm such a chill dude, and i don't really mind doing whatever it is you asked me to do. when i was in argentina and in a restaurant or something, if i said "thank you" to the waiter he would say "oh, please no, no." not like, "no it's nothing, don't worry about it." it's like, "no, no you don't need to thank me, it was my pleasure."

and here's the annoying thing about no winter. when people don't have anything to complain about, they conjure up some trivial cause to rally behind because... well, people are inevitable complainers. consider prop 2, here in california. it's something about how chickens and pigs should have some leg room in their cages. without reading up anything about it, i thought to myself - this is so stupid. of all the problems in the world, there's a group of people that would get this measure on the ballot? really? to defend the rights of chickens and pigs?

another aside: prop 2 is stupid on other levels. by forcing california farmers to pimp out their animals' houses, they'll be incurring a 20% increase in production costs. it's a fixed cost, so once they replace all their cages, they'll be back to operating normally - but they estimate 5 years for a complete overhaul. so in that time, people will buy cheaper, out-of-state eggs and pork, where they don't have these high cost standards. and when people walk into safeway, they don't really care to know where their eggs come from. they just buy the cheapest eggs. so for 5 years, california poultry farmers will get no profit, except from the 20 people that support prop 2 and are not vegetarians. these farmers will probably just move to some other product, and californians will be supporting out-of-state farmers with their cramped cages and in... inhumane? inanimal? conditions.

back to the original point. people rally behind these pointless or misinformed causes because there's nothing else to complain about. i think the word i'm looking for here is perspective. it's hard for people to have a realistic perspective of what's important and what you actually need when there are no pressing needs in your life. the only people that i can have normal conversations with are the ones that aren't from california. we talk about anything and everything, and the value of our conversation isn't in the words but the conversation. so it's not a matter of being offensive or saying something that's not politically correct. if i mention a negative opinion about someone to a californian, they give me this incredulous look because, isn't life supposed to be about warm fuzzy love? can't we unite under the cause to save our precious mother earth or fight for gay rights? no, and i don't like people who think we can.

well maybe it's because i've never been much a joiner to begin with. i'm much more interested in just being normal and interacting with normal folk. and when i say normal, i guess i'll invoke steinbeck when he describes america - complicated, paradoxical, bullheaded, shy, cruel, boisterous, unspeakably dear, and very beautiful. it's normal to be ugly and beautiful, to be full of insecurities and strengths. californians have reduced themselves to causes and niceties, and have foregone their beautiful complexity.

p.s. please do not comment saying i sound angry. i know that!

*******

anyway i made a new depressing mix:

We All, Us Three Will Ride - Palace Music
Ohio - Damien Jurado
Orphan Girl - Gillian Welch
Even While You're Sleeping - The Acorn
Albina - Horse Feathers
The Way I Am - Bonnie "Prince" Billy
Insomnia Song - Pajo
Last Rights - Damien Jurado
Bad Dream/Hartford's Beat Suite - Magik Markers

orange jubilee pt 2

2008-10-22T22:57:00.000-07:00

about two people in the world already know what this entry is going to be about... and they're 2 of the 5 people who read my blog.

let's take a trip back to 1993. or was it 92. i don't remember. the point is, it was a long time ago when i was a little kid..... i went to my friend's birthday party at some giant field in the country. we played capture the flag, which was the greatest game ever, and threw water balloons around and generally had an amazing time.

it was mid afternoon when we got our party favors and began to head out to our parents' cars to go home. but a few of us wanted to keep the good times rollin. luckily for us, the yearly orange jubilee festival was kicking off that night, and that was a guaranteed good time. the orange jubilee was like the state fair - complete with rides, rigged games, elephant ears and weird carneys - except in our high school parking lot. during the day, they had live bands play (aside: my debut band in high school, every girl's dream, played at the orange jubilee) and "pie the teacher" charity events. at night, everyone packed into the football stadium for a brilliant fireworks display, followed by the inevitable precipitation of ashy, post-firework carcinogens.

i'm kind of beating around the bush cuz i'm leading up to an embarrassing moment. so as we were leaving the birthday party, i suggested to a few of my "friends" that we should meet up at the orange jubilee later that night. they agreed to meet me by the entrance at 6pm. when i got home, i nonchalantly told my family my plans, cuz hey, i'm a hip 10 year old with places to be. yes, i can eat 5 hot dogs, cook em up. anyway, i told my mom to drop me off at the high school at 6, and that i'd call her to get picked up.

another aside... i don't remember saying i'd call her to pick me up, and back then we didn't have cell phones. i have no idea how we coordinated things like that... yea.

so i got to the entrance, but it's a pretty big entrance... and actually there were several entrances to the jubilee, so that was pretty dumb of me to say i'd meet my friends there.... i mean, how was i gonna find them? i walked by the elephant ears stand, over to the parking lot entrance. nope, no one there. i meandered past the spider ride, trying to look like i knew what i was doing, but i probably looked like a lost little boy that had no friends... because that's kind of what i was.

by the time i got back to the high school entrance, the truth set in and i realized that my friends weren't showing up. my mom had just left 15 minutes earlier so i didn't want to call her just yet to come get me. but at the same time, what kind of loser hands out at the orange jubilee by himself? i ended up running into a few people i knew. "oh yeah, i'm on my way to meet seth," i think i said. i should have just swallowed my pride and hung out with them, but for those of u too old to remember, your rep meant a lot back then. welllll ok maybe not so much in 3rd grade, but it just wasn't cool to hang out by yourself. not to mention, i just got totally ditched. let's not forget that part of the story. [edit: i left like 10 minutes later. no fireworks for me.]

so fast forward 14 years to this moment. replace "birthday party" with a really long meeting with my major professor and a few hours in the computer lab getting nowhere with my data. change out "orange jubilee" with an already postponed but promising outing with a new friend. and replace "running into a few people i knew" to chatting with people online and updating my once-defunct blog.

hm. the parallels don't stop:

fireworks and then cancer --> getting trashed with a pretty girl and then getting banned from her bf's cool bar
meandering through the jubilee trying to look cool --> pretending to do work but watching ESPN gamecast in the ag econ computer lab
"i'm on my way to meet seth" --> "well i am pretty tired... i held four office hours today"
i just got ditched --> i just got ditched

but the thing about the orange jubilee story that also falls in line with today's incident is that back then, i kinda shrugged it off. maybe i am just the master of rationalizing things, but in the end i didn't care. i mean i didn't want to explain the situation to the people i ran into and force an awkward convo, but as for the guys that ditched me, whatevz.

and as for tonite, i realize my pathetic night makes for great blog fodder, but in the end i don't really care. the details of my orange jubilee day were far more memorable than the moment i got ditched. and today, tomorrow and the next day are so full to the brim that anything potentially good can only add to it.

i'll stop myself here before i turn into milan kundera.. or dmitri.

men, violins, wine

2008-10-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

what do these three have in common? clearly, it's that they get better with age. wine, violins, i mean those are obvious examples. but i'm about to talk about men, and subsequently women. bear with me please. i'm in somewhat of a spontaneous mood right now... so here we go.

so i was on the fazebok just now checkin out some chicks and i realized i have my own little strategy when trying to estimate their hotness from the limited information. before i get shit from you hypocrites about how it's all weird to be stalkerish, i'd just like to say that yes, i'm curious, i'm a nosy dude, and i guess i won't apologize for it. i mean, who's got so much goin on with their lives that they really would mind some attention? i guess i take for granted the fact that i'm not a crazy person.... but that gets me to thinkin...

if there were no "normal" stalkers.... normal "stalkers" i should say, the pool of people stalking would just be the really creepy people, the crazies that would act out in some dangerous or violent or fearful way. but if it was normal to check people out, to see what people are up to and get in their business, out of mere curiosity or genuine interest, i'd say the world would be a safer place. or at least a more trusting place, where the real pariahs could at least try to copy the example of others' decency, as opposed to being provoked and relegated to their midnight stalking and creepiness.

anyway, onto my method. n00bs go straight for the photos, but that's a huge mistake. if you're a guy, you gotta know that your eyes will trick your brain into thinking whatever you or ur dick wants to believe. so u go to their info and peruse, briefly, without thinking too much. it's a huge mistake to look too deeply into each category, as if the person spent hours trying to pick out their favorite bands and books. i mean some people do, but you can't really tell, can you. or sometimes you'll see some witty phrase that says, i'm too cool to care about listening my favorite bands. or maybe the task is too heavy for them, or they're too insecure about being judged.

overall, this first step is just a cursory glance at someone's personality. from worst to best, here are some possible combinations:

the hipster christian who, despite her proclivity for free thinking and loose morals, will never give it up
- religion: something deep that hints at christianity
- activities: somewhere in here will be an emerging church or the name of a fellowship that might be misconstrued for a cafe or acting troupe.
- interests: if there's no mention of GOD!!! it's deliberate... she's a sleeper agent.
- fav music: sufj for sure
- fav tv shows: arrested development, the office, you know the safe picks
- fav movies: amelie, some foreign film, some wes anderson film
- quote: either something literary or something witty, or some semi-flirtatious, inviting comment e.g. just talk to me! ;)

the too-cool-for-school, but not too-cool-for-facebook girl.
- religion: athiest, or some ironic judeo-christian reference that's supposed to be a joke.
- activities: none
- interests: none
- fav music: daft punk, and a handful of bands you've vaguely heard of that are mostly considered cool.
- fav tv shows: some stupid MTV show, house

the hot girl who can't hide her vapidity because she's totally unaware of it
- religion: a specific denomination of christian, or jewish
- activities: stupid college clubs
- interests: obvious stuff like tv, runnning, dancing, shopping... i mean, things that all girls are interested in, so really there's no point in listing it.
- fav music: the killers, kanye, amy winehouse, and other good musicians who make bad music
- fav tv shows: the amazing race! the hills!
- quotes: dance like no one's watching, sing like no one's listening, dream like no one's.... freddy kruger? there are several iterations of this quote, and the more she lists the more self-esteem she lacks.

the ultimate cute girl who i will marry, yes ok this is borderline creepy
- religion: christian
- activities: none
- interests: it doesn't matter... in all honesty this section only matters if she puts something cheesy (long, deep conversations) or something obvious (see hot girl description)
- fav music: a few of the standard cool indie rock bands (sonic youth, arcade fire), a healthy amount of americana, and some out-of-nowhere old school rap
- fav tv shows: THE WIRE... if it's all in caps, extra points.
- quotes: something meaningful, something thoughtful... but not something ironic or witty.

and on a side note, that the ultimate cute girl who i will marry is a christian is not some prerequisite, but a signal that despite being into cool things, she keeps it real by sticking to her religion. or something like that.

so after you check out her interests and loosely categorize her, it's time to move onto photos. first, you have to browse her profile pictures because that's the version of her she wants people to see. sometimes you'll get very adorable pictures, sometimes some funny political or wtf images, and sometimes big groups of people that make it hard to identify who it is you're stalking. all of this should tell you a little bit about their personality, at least moreso than the information provided because.. i mean for profile pics, you actually have to put a little effort into searching for and uploading the image.

next you view their photos. and this process is how i got the idea for this post - that men age better than women. you may be offended, you may be confused, but really you're probably not reading this right now because this post is so goddamn long. anyway, i like to view photos in chronological order. that is, i start from the first photo and end at their most recent photo. i do this for several reasons: for one, i like to see what the person looked like when they were in high school or freshmen in college, because usually at that point if your life you have no sense of style and so if you were pretty then, you're probably pretty now. on the flip side of that, i can see if you gained or lost lots of weight, because i guess the ideal is to stay consistent.

another reason to view photos chronologically is to look for any question marks... as in, what photo doesn't belong in this set? like if the girl is a nice christian girl and then i left-arrow onto a half-naked, drunken french nurse all over some hot chick, i'd say this person has a dark side. the one thing to consider here is that lots of times, photos are taken when people are actually doing something, and they don't capture everyday life. so if someone only has party photos, that doesn't necessarily mean all they do is party. or if someone just has church photos... well actually, that probably means all they do is church stuff. i mean, you take more pictures when you go out, so if you have none to show for then you're probably a huge loser.

so now that we have the rationale down, here are the results. most girls my age get a lot prettier as time goes on. in high school and freshman year in college, as i mentioned, they don't know how to dress, misuse their makeup, and are generally too immature to realize that despite it's unfairness, looks matter. as they get older and fill into their bodies (note, very different from getting fat), they exude confidence, humor, a lightness and beauty. that's a bit overstated. but for the most part, during their mid-20s, these girls are in their best years. a pretty 20-something can get any guy she wants. if a guy wielded that power, and i guess some guys do, he would be a pretty big man whore.

if you've heard of the christmas tree theorem, then you kind of know where i'm going with this. after 25 comes 26. the tree is still bright and beautiful, but time is ticking. 27, tick. 28, tick. 29, 30, 31... why is this tree still here?

really it's multiple factors - the weight of life, stress, the burden of over thinking, the reality of gravity on your once taut skin... very little of it is physical, i think. most of it is that women become tired of life. they are not old, but their lightness, their humor, their confidence ages a bit. and somehow it shows. i've heard it said that as a woman gets older, she becomes more open to random hookups. they have less social structure and safe communities that frown upon bad decisions and support her to make good ones. they realize they can't have just anyone they want, and generally you want what you can't have. they're all too aware of the life-tolls they've paid on their faces, the backs of their legs, their hands... and it's this hyperawareness that is not beautiful. because their faces, their legs, their hands are mostly the same.

if you look at a guy in chronological order on fb, here's what you'll see. first, a goofy, awkward set of limbs moving into his college dorm. second, embarrassing pictures that he probably should take down, pictures of him drunk doing things that were TOTALLY AWESOME... at the time. then lots of boring things like hiking, college events, concerts, etc. but like a tree he is growing, and by the most recent pictures you'll see a twenty-something coming into his own. physically, he's not fully grown, not like a man in his mid-thirties with something of a belly and kids and stuff. but he's growing, he's getting there. his hair is what it ought to be. his clothes are not impressive but fitting. he learned how to smile in pictures.

but overall, the guy is a work in progress, and will continue to be until... well until he dies i guess. there is no peak for a man, but a continual climb upwards. the age lines that mark his face indicate wisdom, confidence, virility for having lasted that long. his sinewy arms will have meant years of use and labor, his enlarged waist a sign of gustatory pleasure, experienced over and over. his hair may turn a distinguished gray or he may become beautifully bald. as his body enlarges, he becomes more masculine. he becomes more fully himself, boring through the holes in his self-image to emerge as an older, better man.

every year he looks back and laughs. mistakes are learned from and victories are celebrated again in his active mind. last year he was a child; this year, less so. hindsight, to him, sees growth and improvement, even where those things did not exist. he still has a temper. he still is stubborn. but the weariness of his humanity doesn't weigh down on him. the hardness of life serves to temper his will, not beat the lightness out of him.

you can see it in a photo and you can see it in his face. for a woman, you'll see how the city sucked the life out of her. you'll see how lovers have broken her and how the heaviness convinced her that she's not quite what she was. but for a man, he is better than who he was, and he can be better than who he is. and that's what drives him. a driven man is too busy and focused to realize his terrible faults. he's too driven to die of old age. his body will not break down against his will. life will not erode on him, but a crisis can stop a man in his tracks. a death or shock or sudden disillusionment can derail a man. the death of a loved one, of his better half or of his children, will slow him down to a halt. and life will catch up with him then. you'll see the tiredness in his eyes and the heaviness on his knees. at that point, he's on his last mile.

the death of a man's better half will take its toll on a man because he's not complete without her. part of a man's fulfillment is the pursuit of a woman, which in itself is worthwhile and a good reason for just about anything. without a woman to pursue and eventually fulfill, a man will break down like a machine missing a part. but with a woman he becomes something more than what he was yesterday.

can i say the same for a woman? i've heard it said that some girls will eat a stick of butter after they get married. sure, people let loose a bit after some comfort. but by doing so, is she she becoming more of a woman, or is she become more of a man? and if she resents the difference, would she be happier treated as a man? probably not. if she goes down that road, she'll probably cheat on her husband with a man who treats her like a woman.

anyway, when a man ages, he becomes more of a man. when a woman ages and becomes less of a woman, that's a sad thing to see. but when a woman ages and puts on years of beauty and experience, and she sheds the trivialities of her youth, the frivolous insecurities and petty ambitions, she becomes more of herself, and whole. and the world needs more people whole.

tu tranquilidad..... en el campo!

2008-07-26T09:23:00.001-07:00

to answer the questions of what exactly i'm doing in peru, i'm working on a research project in collaboration with a load of ag economists from uc davis, university of san francisco, u of wisconsin and peru. the general idea is that we are introducing a new form of crop insurance available to cotton farmers in the pisco valley through the insurance company, la positiva. the insurance is available through the local microfinance bank from which most farmers get their loans.

the details on the insurance are as follows. indemnities are payed when average valley yields are below a certain strikepoint, which was established with historical yield data. so, if there's horrendous weather one year, or some kind of shock that affects the whole valley, farmers who bought the insurance will get a payout. the idea is that in a year when everyone's yield is suffering, there's no support for farmers who can't pay back their loan (almost all cotton farmers here operate on loaned money). the insurance shifts covariate risk from farmers to the insurance company.

there are lots of levels of research going on through this insurance project. the million dollar question is to see if farmers will be more willing to take out credit, since they're insured against more risk with the crop insurance. at the same time, credit agencies may be more willing to give out loans since they're more confident that they'll get paid (either from the farmer or la positiva).

another question is whether or not farmers will understand this new form of insurance, so the research team i am on is going out to teach farmers about it through experimental economic games. the games simulate production decisions with real payouts (in proportion to what they would normally make, i.e. $1400 is a typical yearly payout, translated to $2.2 of real money in our game). we simulate weather shocks and individual luck by drawing from a bag. the idea is that the highest expected payout comes with the choice of credit with insurance, which the farmers learn by playing the game over and over.

the question i'm investigating is if their "individual luck" factor is more important than their "weather shock" factor in determining variability of cotton output. if a farmer faces more risk from, say, getting robbed than he does from bad weather, then a covariate insurance policy wouldn't do much for the farmer. or, maybe someone with a certain set of characteristics is more likely to invest in the covariate insurance... that would help identify market potential for the insurance company, and shed light as to how a farmer deals with risk.

how awesome is that????? maybe not that awesome. but i find it all really interesting, and i'm probably not explaining it the best way possible. actually though, i've had a lot of practice explaining to tourists what the hell it is i'm doing in pisco (a town destroyed by last year's earthquake, where no tourists go). i start off with "working with cotton farmers" to "introducing a new insurance program" and finally, if they seem interested, go into the whole experimental games thing. i had one guy basically tell me that it was unethical to play chance-based games with these indigenous peruvians, since it's probably against their tribal religions.

the farmers we meet range from really old and senile, to old and hilarious. there are a few young guys who are generally smart. i think overall they enjoy the games because a) they get to win money, and b) it's almost like gambling, which is fun. plus they learn about this new insurance which, all things considered, is a good thing.

anyway, we're done with all the games and we're moving on to another survey that will be distributed in the fall. i'm going to start looking at a risk-survey which will hopefully write my thesis for me. yahoo.

and no pictures for now... the internet connection here sucks.

edit: the title of this post comes from a short video we played during the presentations in pisco... it's a ridiculous promo made by la positiva, and we as researchers do our best to distance ourselves from peddling insurance. anyway, the people in the video are really excited about crop insurance, and it ends with a forceful, "Agropositiva! Tú tranquilidad..... en el campo," with the camera panning across a flourishing campo.

an update in peru

2008-07-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

my right ear is clogged, and has been for the past few days. well really it comes and goes, with hours of full 20-20 sonic range registered from the tiny cilia and eardrums to my brain. but invariably something clogs my delicate inner-ear canals, as if someone's poured swimming-pool water down my tubes. this is particularly annoying right now when i'm trying to enjoy the jazz music playing over the PA at this starbucks, because if i could (enjoy it, i mean), it would make my night complete.

it's true, i'm in peru, thousands of miles away from home, with endless opportunities to immerse myself in a foreign culture. but as things go, i just hate traveling, and the whole idea of forcing myself to adapt and adjust tires me endlessly. in a country that speaks unintelligible spanish (to this gringo.... or chino?), engaging in a drunken exploration of Lima's nightlife, or in flirtatious conversations with the girl across me, ends up as a game of charades, played over and over until it's not fun or novel. i thought about "stretching myself" tonight but the thought of a big couch, hot coffee and the illusion of social interaction seemed just perfect. whether in lima or in davis, nothing beats a night of jazz and steinbeck.. even with a broken ear.

don't get me wrong. i love other cultures and immersing myself in them, to the point where i have some place and footing. but i can't do traveling in the "backpacked through europe" sense, living like a vagabond, staying in dirty hostels and partying with fellow backpackers. it's not that i'm above it, i just don't have the personality for it. i'm not fun enough and i'm too conscious about social norms. this should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. [edit: i realize that i'm about to go on a backpacking tour of argentina in a few weeks, which i'm really excited about. the difference though is that i'll be going with a friend, which is a completely different experience from traveling solo, i think]

so a normal day for me begins with a battle for my bowels. it's me and my day against my nagging innards that don't want to clear themselves at a time convenient. ideally all of yesterday's bistec con papas, chicha morada and desayuno americano would exit me in a neat and timely fashion. but that rarely happens. so it ends up a war of attrition. i dare not stray from my hotel room without having passed something from my body, so a lot of toilet sitting ensues, with me and my day eventually winning by force of gravity. after that i watch tv, check my email and slowly groom myself. half the day is gone by the time i leave my room and join the research team to do actual work.

most days are arduous, so we make moments light by talking about movies or joking around about this or that. i stay mostly quiet, partly because i'm just quiet and partly because i don't understand what people are saying. most of my conversations follow the same short template. i stumble through a simple question and the person asks me back in english what i'm trying to say. i repeat the question in spanish, interspersing english at the difficult parts. the person answers in spanish, and i stare back blankly, trying desperately to process the response.

the conversation usually ends for me at that point because someone else will jump in to fill the silence. i go back to listening, breaking down the slang from the words i think i might know. normally, i'm five to ten seconds behind in the conversation, so if someone suddenly asks me my opinion on something, it's usually followed by the group's jovial laughter at my deer-in-headlights look and "no sé" response. this goes on about 100 times a day.

after we get back from our "research" trips - i won't bore you with that - our entire focus is shifted to dinner. or more specifically, bistec con papas. we walk the dusty streets past piles of rubble from the 2007 earthquake, which destroyed the entire city. not much is in pisco, especially in the way of restaurants, so nicer places like el dorado and as de oro's gets a lot of business. we prefer the latter, even though it's a bit father. conversation is sparse, and doesn't pick up until we've sat and ordered. the food isn't particularly cheap, but we eat like kings, deservedly so because we don't eat lunch on a normal day. with our giant meals we drink chicha morada and chelas (beers). the night winds down with more beers, and maybe a movie on someone's laptop.

a normal day is in pisco with the research team, but tonight i'm in lima, relaxing and enjoying the break from the daily grind. so here i am, at a starbucks updaing my blog and reading some steinbeck. i don't know if that makes me a typical american, vying for comfort and whatnot.. but i'm pretty sure i'm the only gringo here right now. maybe i'm just the typical boring person, because nothing in my trip has been as inspiring as this book on this couch in this corporate starbucks. ironically, or not, it's called "america and americans."

stay tuned for pt 2... with pics! i promise.

a break

2008-07-03T18:41:00.000-07:00

i'm going to take a break from the muxtapes for now as i'll be out of the country for a while. peru 2.0 if you will... i'm going to make sure that every person who rose their hands at those plaza alter calls three years ago are still going to church.

just kidding. i'm going to peru to learn about field research. i'll be helping out with economic games involving crop insurance that we'll "play" with farmers across the pisco valley. in other words, i'll be handing out cokes and taking pictures until somehow i learn enough spanish to converse.

in about a month i'll be trekking through argentina with dave pizzles. speaking of which, happy b dude.

pictures and stuff will be up periodically, i hope... adios!

hip hop for white people

2008-06-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

meowymix 6.0

and when i say "white people" i mean, non-black. i think these MCs bring something more to the table than self-aggrandizing, sexualized lyrics, which is something lots of (white) people can't get over when it comes to hip hop these days. and on top of that, there's nothing white people appreciate more than a guy being ghetto AND intelligent. i mean... who wasn't cheering for Omar when he bested the then-untouchable Levy during the Gant murder trial?

but after living in atlanta for four years, i just can't help but make a case for dirty south hip hop. sometimes you just gotta admit that a song is tyte, no matter what the dude is saying over the track. i hope the transition from classic east coast hip hop (gza, ghostface) into more recent atl work (jeezy, t.i.) runs smoothly for you folk at home. i snuck in some oldschool outkast just to ease the flow.

leading off the set is mostly east bay hip hop from the early 90s. retro + underground music + semi-intelligent hip hop = super indie street cred.

so enjoy the new meowymix in all of its intelligent, non-sexual hip hop goodness, but lock the doors before you do!

MM 5.0

2008-06-12T00:41:00.000-07:00

throwback pop!

my last mix, MM4, was a bit of a letdown because muxtape wouldn't let me upload one of the songs. so after battling with the website, i got kind of disheartened and i didn't feel like writing about it. oh well...

so lately i've been watching a few episodes of scrubs on ninjavideo before i sleep to kinda wind down the day. i think it's a pretty good mindless show, except for the fact that sometimes the videos are messed up and they loop halfway through the show, so i don't know how any of the episodes end. anyway, in one of the episodes the surgeons are arguing about what song to put on during surgery, and the asian doctor demands to listen to erasure, much to the black doctor's dismay. but the next day the black guy can't stop singing the erasure song, "a little respect", because it's so darn catchy.

so that's how the mix started out, with that really stupid inspiration. but alas it is an awesome catchy song. as for the rest of the mix, most of it comes from me desperately searching my music library for anything that resembles 80s tunes. when i realized i didn't have enough 80s music to make an entire mix, i renamed the mix "throwback pop".... and then i IMed my brother to ask for his 80s music library for when he comes home later.

so a few notable songs - the sinead o'connor song, i heard on the radio today and decided it had to go on the mix. it's edgy and angsty and all about love, which is what almost all 80s music is about. i threw on some junior bizzles cuz they're pretty much the night club/lounge-y version of new order if bernard sumner wasn't fat and drunk all the time.

blood of eden is an epic song (read: many words) like the theme song from Say Anything, "in your eyes". but here, peter gabriel tackles the theme of original sin with sexually charged biblical allusions. people don't really write songs of this ambition anymore. in fact i'd say a lot of music has gone in the opposite direction from blood of eden. think about a band like postal service, what with its inorganic sounds and cutesy, meaningless lyrics. compare these lyrics:

"Is that a dagger or a crucifix I see
You hold so tightly in your hand
And all the while the distance grows between you and me
I do not understand"

and

"I feel must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave"

ok putting up these lyrics is admittedly pointless given that there's no basis for comparison to begin with. but the greater point i'm trying to make is that in the past, artists used lyrics to try to say something with pop music, whereas now the songs are statements in and of themselves. blood of eden would be a boring, ethereal track if it wasn't for the powerful story gabriel is telling. but now, when people want to "feel" something in their music instantly without having to actually listen, words no longer add meaning to songs but instead add to the aesthetic or greater context of the song.

this postal service song is the perfect example... when i hear it, i don't stop and say "these lyrics are dumb" even though they are. it's more like... "these lyrics are supposed to be dumb, and if they were anything but dumb, this song would suck." i guess the song is saying, sometimes people sound ridiculous, especially when it comes to relationships, so let's all lighten up.

back to the mix... kind of a curveball for non-rues is the band "out of the grey". i also tried to put some susan ashton on the mix but muxtape didn't let me. they are cmm/country artists from back in the day. but before u knock it, just know that they were doin alt-country before such a term existed.... at least susan ashton and along the road and all that good stuff. anyway, this out of the grey song is from the early 90s, but it definitely sounds like it could be from the 80s, back when pop songs were 5 minutes long.

the kate bush and m83 tracks are recycled from old mixes... i don't have enough throwback pop. i could definitely use some suggestions on this one.

fin

rites of spring

2008-05-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

springtime in davis welcomes a celebration of life, pollen and hot girls. moments of springtime abound and i am here to capture them for you. so here we go:

- at once, in a study lounge, a barbie doll punishes her laptop with index-finger typing and annoys everyone with her loud clickity-clacks. students curl up on tiny couches like kittens, basking under sunlight pouring through the windows.

- orangutans on bikes make their way through campus. i call them that because they do not grip the handles, but to balance themselves they stiffen their arms and hold them straight down like an orangutan. there's no need to bike handle-less except to look cool, and towards this end they fail miserably.

- a particular religious fanatic wears a harness to support his massive "God hates sinners" sign. though his evocation of curses aren't necessary given the extensive list of sinners on the sign (witches, lazy christians, fags, effeminate academics(?)), he curses on-lookers nonetheless. a few brave and equally annoying individuals defend themselves against his accusations, but he is louder and more shameless than the rest.

- remnants of the annual hippie-fest persist, long after the aroma of marijuana and hemp-wearing vendors has past. a woman's long-flowing skirt flails in the air as she twirls a hula-hoop over her head. smelly homeless guys ask for change before tooting their alpenhorn (the long instrument from the ricola commercials). the weekly farmers market attracts the hippie crowd as they sway to the mellow bluegrass band.

- pages of the california aggie, the newspaper to which i am employed, strew about like tumbleweed, especially in the narrow tunnels between buildings. the wind picks them up, and a more artistic person would find beauty in their mid-air suspension (a la the paper bag in American Beauty). it makes me sad though, because usually the pages left strewn about are from the arts section for which i write.

i have a meeting with my professor now so the moments of springtime will be cut short for now. and thus ends the lamest post in the world.

meowymix 3.0

2008-05-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

for those of you not in the know, muxtape is all the rave as the best new-music-finding site... better than pandora, lastfm and imeem... it's clean, simple and best of all it plays high quality tunes.

anyway, i'm going to try to update my meowymix consistently, and when i do i'm going to write a little blurb about the songs i chose and why. since i'm still like a teenage boy who overthinks each song, song placement, song transitions, etc., these meowymixes mean a lot more to me than they should. and since they matter to me they should mean a lot to you too.

aside: this is my third mix i've made on muxtape. maybe i'll resurrect the first and second mixes in weeks to come.

meowymix 3.0: when folk and electronic music meet, sometimes they have illegitimate children.

this mix is a half-hearted attempt to marry folk and electronic music. it starts the way most failed relationships start - with a third party. the mutual friend invites the unlikely pair to the bars and conveniently leaves to watch the awkward conversations and forced laughter. or, like gilbert arenas, the he'll round up some homeless people and invite himself over to his buddy's house, where his family is having dinner. then in the middle of dinner, he'll get up and go, leaving the homeless guys at his friend's house.

here, the third party is the first two tracks, and they initiate a cascade of experimental folk and electronic music with an incredible track from The Books. this might be my new favorite band of the moment. they're a duo from new york that combines voice clips, natural sounds and acoustic rhythms to create a disjointed, primitive sound. enjoy your worries, the track is titled. you may never have them again. an atlas sound track slips in next. the natural transition into this song, titled "Cold as Ice" contradicts the warmth of of the previous three. the idea of cold separation pervades in the electro-pop song "take it easy (love nothing)" by bright eyes.

the next song was a problem. i really wanted to put in "ms jackson" by outkast, but for some reason i chickened out. instead i put in some filler song that sounds nice but really makes no sense - shift by grizzly bizzle. the next track, 2 sisters drunk on each other by califone, reminds me of the books i've been reading. in 100 years in solitude, incest is repeated after each generation forgets the mistakes (and incest) of the previous generation. this chance meeting of folk and electronica is in the same vein... something's just a little off in their meeting, and it's as awkward and taboo as incest. ok maybe it's not that awkward. anyway...

the two have an illegitimate child that they leave in a train to be cared for by a scary man, which is all taken as a bad dream by the folkster who, of course, is the one to sit back and recount her tales in song. and so the story ends. enjoy!

the man crush

2008-05-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

i'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality... some may say too comfortable. especially after this post. but i think it's time for me to reveal to the world certain individuals who i find admirable in one way or another. it's not even that i'd crush on these guys if i was a girl.... i don't take my mancrushes that far. i just think these guys are cool. so back off.

Mike Mussina aka The Moose

there's just something about the moose that makes me think, this is one good looking dude. maybe it's his intense stare-down right before he launches a devastating knuckle curve. or maybe it's the fact that he looks like jack from lost (though i've had my platonic eye on mussina since he pitched for the orioles). whatever it is, he has it. i am not gay.

Martin Keamy from Lost

Keamy is a renegade mercenary who wants nothing more than to blow up lots of stuff on the island in Lost. he looks a quarter asian, which qualifies him as one of the few cool asians in television. but as badass as he is, keamy had me when he delivered that fateful but overlooked line, the imperative phrase that sums up his cool and dangerous demeanor:

"gas up the chopper, frank"

fans of lost know how cool he sounded when he said it. this is the equivalent of saying "get off my back" or "you're not important enough to even argue with." and this is how i'm going to talk from now on.

Marty Sampson

back when i was melting congregational faces with my cherry red fender strat, i had what one could perceive as a man crush on a certain worship leader. my faux-affection (often mistaken for real affection) wasn't as strong as other korean american worship band members, i'm sure... but what college christian can resist marty sampson's spiritual crooning and rock-star outfits? not me.

Ernie Johnson

is he black? is he white? i'm not the only one wondering. as the smooth host of TNT's inside the NBA, ernie doesn't get overshadowed by barkley's big personality or kenny's insight. when things get out of hand, ernie brings it back. when barkley doesn't feel like talking, ernie fills in the void. the guy's got a brother's swagger. what can i say?

Nicholas Kristof

you may think you've met a kristof sometime in your life. maybe that guy in high school who everyone liked, who quietly got straight As while founding a new volunteer organization. maybe the girl that raised half a million dollars in relief aid in darfur by selling ridiculously adorned paperclips. but lets make things clear - you haven't met a kristof.

magna cum laude graduate from harvard, law degree from oxford, fluent in mandarin and arabic. kristof is a journalist for the new york times. he isn't some do-gooder liberal who preaches the evils of the world from a soap box. he travels the world, gets on the ground and tells us what's going on. whether its in china, darfur or even our own back yard, kristof gives a fair and balanced opinion when discussing nuanced issues. and he's got a cute asian wife.

anyway. each of these guys is admirable in his own right. i know some will inevitably question my sexual preference but to them all i gotta say is.... gas up the chopper, frank.

space cowboys

2008-05-16T00:10:00.000-07:00

space cowboys - no, not the clint eastwood movie. instead... my millionth attempt at trying to convey this theory i have about music. (dont worry.. there will be a 1,000,001 attempt coming)

two american frontiers occupied our imaginations since our inception. one, the west, was the promised land, promised to us by God in some manifest destiny that entitled white americans to keep pushing west and claiming land. the west was california, a land of milk and honey, of gold even, and vast lands warmed by constant sunshine. that's the gist of that.

space came a bit later, after the west was won of course. the idea was the same though, at least at the time. the russians launched their satellite, not to stake claim to space itself, but to be pioneers in science and ingenuity. we put a man on the moon. that was a milestone, but the frontiers were found to be expanding, accelerating out far beyond human scope. and likewise, our ingenuity and imagination have chased those frontiers out, beyond the gravity of deductive reasoning and finite equations, through black holes that stretch and rip light and sound and spit us out through worm holes that maybe a few have imagined traveling...

well anyway. there is music that reflects the values and stories of those two frontiers. both frontiers achieve a certain destiny, but they are ultimately empty. it's as if there was some unforeseen leak that let that destiny drip out, leaving the music incomplete. the western commemorated the stories of people and places, they ascribed meaning to values and value to meaning... but they were insular, circular, incested and eventually marketed to become crappy country music that makes mere reference to the "good old days". once they hit the coast and settled their lands, they began to leak imagination from their heartfelt honesty, and they leaked it until they were dry like the riverbeds in late summer, or dry like their repetitive, cursory conversations they had with their neighbors. dry like the promise of the western frontier, leaving a thirst for imagination and expansiveness.

with that thirst, they launched themselves into space. they looked back on our small blue earth and saw things in a different light. they asked questions that challenged meaning and values and stories in our music, deconstructing that which they did not themselves build. sound became waveforms, words were just sounds, music was sound on sound. as for light, it became waves and particles, scientifically proven, but methodically detached from previous connotations of good, and dark stripped of evil. and with just waveforms and sounds and particles and waves, we achieved something primal and raw, more real than any story, universal as the consciousness of the living, and empty as the vastness of space. even as we breathe, space is become more vast and more empty. galaxies are just too few and far between for this space experiment to gather the beauty of light and sound in a way that can be appreciated in a song.

so where the west failed in that we reached its end, space failed in reaching no end. so somewhere in between is where we are, but not where we will be. like folding two ends of a string, music will bring together the western frontier to converge with the expansion of space, and in their joining will make something perfect, i believe.

in other words: folk music + experimental music = omg

the grime of bananas

2008-05-03T01:56:00.000-07:00

sometimes, doing the right thing hurts

like peeling a banana

the right way -

you're left with grime under your nail

and still a peel left over.

coffee

2008-04-24T15:20:00.000-07:00

i had the unfortunate experience of having to answer nature's call right after buying a piping hot cup of coffee. and it wasn't the call to take a piss... i knew i had a giant diarrhea coming. i think there's some unwritten rule that in public bathrooms, everything you touch is unclean, i.e. the bathroom floor, the toilet and consequently yourself (hence the handwashing). but it would have been a waste to throw away my coffee, which i need to transform me from a brooding hater to a peppy, inquisitive grad student.

so i walked up the stairs of the student union to this hidden bathroom that's always empty. but this time the door to the bathroom was wide open and there was this homeless guy washing himself in one of the sinks. this was unacceptable for several reasons. firstly, whether in front of a homeless guy or a barack obama, i was ashamed to be seen bringing my coffee into the stall with me. i can write about it ex post, but at the time it was just too weird. secondly, i knew i was in for a monster dump, and since the bathroom door was wide open i felt kind of insecure... i mean the only good thing about this bathroom is that it's hidden, so proclaiming to the world my bowel explosions wasn't what i was going for. and lastly, i was scared that the homeless man would do something to me. so i left.

today must be opposite day because then i checked a more popular bathroom and it was empty. to my surprise and delight, even the toilet seat seemed clean; clean enough to place my bare bottom sans a toilet-paper shield. i put my coffee cup on the flat part of the toilet (like the part attatched to the flusher) and dropped an efficient yet explosive diarrhea. in that time a few people walked in and out, but whatevz. they did their own thing, i did my own thing, and they had no idea i had in my stall a perishible food item i planned to consume later. i waited till everyone left to walk out of my stall with a coffee cup and a banana (oh yeah i had a banana), knowing i probably looked like a dude walking out of a starbucks... except it was out of a bathroom stall. washed my hands, checked myself out, and quickly left. mission accomplished.

so here i am, sitting in the student union, drinking my coffee. hopefully particles of diarrhea didn't float into the small slit at the top of the cup or latch onto the insulating sleeve. WOW! and look who just walked by! it's the homeless guy from the first bathroom. i should buy him a cup of coffee.

in conclusion, i broke the no-food-while-pooping rule and i'm alive and well. let's buck this social trend and accept one another, in defecation and in life.

cool chris

2008-04-22T17:16:00.000-07:00

ever since freshmen year of college, there has been a certain persona that has haunted me from afar. the embodiment of this persona changed as the years went by, but still i was haunted by its real and constant presence. when my friends first noticed it, they aptly named it "cool chris" because we didn't knew the real guy's name, not like it mattered. cool chris would become a fixture in my life. he was at times hipper, more artsy, more atheletic, more successful, more popular with the ladies, or more liked by his peers. at all times he was cooler.

here is the list of cool chris's that have tortured me these past five years. i may be suppressing others in my subconscious, so feel free to remind me of any latent cool chris's.

The Precursor to Cool Chris:

i officially met pete in my sophomore year in an electronic music class, but he began to haunt me long before then. on several occasions as a freshmen, random strangers would come up to me and begin a friendly conversation. we would talk about this or that, and i thought maybe i was making a new friend. but at some point in the convo, i'd realize that this person has no idea who i am and must be mistaking me for someone else. sometimes it was a reference to that awesome party we supposedly went to last weekend. sometimes it was the "seeya later, pete!" at the end of the convo... in which case i couldn't correct their mistake.

"so what are you doing this weekend"

"umm... just hanging out, the usual."

"haha yea right. u crazy pete. later!"

"??????"

as i mentioned, i finally met pete in my electronic music class. i told him a few of those stories and he laughed, saying that a friend of his mentioned a lookalike on campus... except he didn't have any stories about how my friends would randomly approach him by mistake, leading me to believe i had significantly less friends than he did. anyway, he was a business major and he produced music on the side for local MCs in the atlanta area. some of the compositions he made in that class were sick.

the reason he is the precursor to cool chris and not the first cool chris is not because he wasn't cooler than me, because he was. it's because he began to haunt me before the name was invented. that, my friends, happened towards the end of freshman year...

The Original Cool Chris:

his real name was jimmy but that hardly mattered. to me and my hallmates, he was and always will be Cool Chris. he was tall and skinny and of course asian. he had long flowing locks and skinny ass jeans. he embodied the look i was going for, and he did it effortlessly. he was some sort of creative arts major, i think drawing. he was an artist with mystique; moody, brooding and unpredictable.

he lived in the hall next door but we didn't cross paths until second semester freshmen year. actually, he probably doesn't realize we crossed paths, and he probably has no idea who i am... but anyway, i met a cute girl in my biology lab. she was short and asian and had some life in her voice. bio lab ended pretty late, so we walked back to the dorms together a few times. she wanted to be a doctor and was stressed about grades. she seemed charming, warm and secretly hip. what i didn't know was that she was dating someone... someone by the name of Cool Chris.

my friends knew i had the hots for her, so they did some recon for me. they saw her hanging around with this taller, hipper version of me and reported back that she probably has a boyfriend, and that i have no chance. he simply beat me at all my strengths and we shared the same weaknesses... that we were both brooding and skinny and awkward.

glimmers of hope came to life when i heard stories that their relationship was dwindling. i heard he smashed his roommate's phone for answering a call during a movie or something.... anyway, instead of manning up and "shaking the tree until the golden apple falls down" as one friend puts it, i wrote a song about how she's probably in an abusive relationship. my fans know it as song 21.1:

why i can't date cool chris's girlfriend, or song 21.1

Three wisps of your hair in the wind

Press against your cheek

The soft sunrays delight in finding

Golden fields of harvest wheat

Two eyes now rise to see

Impressions of a fading dream

Of fields untouched by other men

And warmer rays by softer suns

Of golden rays by golden suns

A breath of air through my lungs

Push against my heart

Stripped and naked to the core

Beaten weak onto the floor

You love him like a lover’s chore

You never walk out of the door

Your warmth is my regret

That dreams of old could die

My impressions of what could have been

Of old stories untold

The Return of Cool Chris:

on leaving atlanta, i thought i could recreate myself and form a fuller, more confident version of me. chris 2.2 perhaps. gone were the days of crippling insecurity and misplaced priorities. old ghosts, and great memories, would stay in the past. but as it goes, there are no second acts in life... and Cool Chris is here to stay.

so there's this girl i think is cute. like the original Cool Chris's gf (who by the way, was referred to as just that for several years) she seems smart and hip. sometimes i see her at the cafe i study at. i think one day my glance caught her eye and since then she's made it a point to bring her boyfriend with her whenever she comes. i thought he was a goofy motherfucker when i first saw him, but that only made it worse when they started making out. maybe they just started dating and are crazy about each other, but it was pretty gratuitous. i'd like not to think it was him doing it to spite me, to remind me of who the Cool chris really is.

if i compared this new cool chris to me at my prime, when i actually had some semblance of a life, there would be no contest. but i think he's returned to remind me from what heights i have fallen, that this asian, who isn't even skinny and hip, has outdone me in the girl department. because of that, i recognize him as that old ghost, the same guy who had more friends than me, the guy who had the girl i only hoped i could have. the Return of Cool Chris. though maybe he never left. maybe he never will.

the return of cool chris, or mishka's cafe 1.3

hallowed be the open seat or table

or occupied in half so as to share.

porcelain left waiting does beleaguer

to claim the open space she might offer

and hope that one, that solely i recover.

common grounds invite to all awaken

and oil for the erudite to burn.

behind the clink of coffee mugs and glasses,

the gentle whir of muffled words

like soft blades spinning as a fan above

or quiet whispers beckoning to join.

on empty days there are no reasons, thus

on nights when orange lights glow warm

and patrons pour in

empty hopes take longer to remember, that

her lips have touched the claim atop her table

and in return an impasse comes to claim her.

interesting questions

2008-04-17T21:42:00.000-07:00

i'm going to try to compile a list of interesting questions one could ask another. they're not universally interesting.... their relevance depends on who ur asking and what you think is interesting at the time. anyway here goes:

1) where were you when MLK got shot?

- of course you need to ask this to an old person. it's a cool question on several levels... for one, it gets the person to start answering in a narrative, and it's always cool to hear old people tell stories about their lives. secondly, it gives u some insight as to that person's values and experiences as they pertain to race in america. thirdly it's an awesome way to remember the legacy of one of the greatest americans of all time.

2) have u ever got hit on?

- i just asked a friend this and she gave me a pretty cool story. she was at the library and asked a guy to watch her stuff while she went to the bathroom. when she got back (she must have been taking a dump), her stuff was gone, so she went to the front desk to inquire. lo and behold, her stuff was waiting there for her, because the guy had to leave and wanted to make sure her laptop and books were looked after. relieved, she opened her laptop and inside was a poem for her and the guy's number. A for effort and creativity.... but ultimately he failed.

3) how long does it take you to get dressed in the morning?

- ask this to a girl and watch her spout half-truths... "oh, usually not that long but i mean, sometimes it takes me a little while, but that depends on blahbalhblahbalh." it takes me two minutes to get dressed... but i wear the same thing every day.

4) do you like california?

- if the person says "yes", the conversation will get boring really quickly. but if the person says "no", then it's clearly because of californians.... cuz everything else about california is verifiably awesome. then, you will know this person is awesome.

- another question you can ask is, "have you ever lived outside of california? how did you like it?" it kind of gets to the same thing.

5) how can they make women's basketball more fun to watch?

- if you've ever seen a women's basketball game on ESPN or something, you'll think you're watching high schoolers. no knock on women, but they just don't move as fluidly as NBA players, and the game isn't as beautiful to watch. this question walks the fine line between sexism and utilitarianism, since suggestions for improving the entertainment value of women's basketball usually presuppose some physical advantage men have over women. i had this conversation with an ex-femenist today, and after i suggested they lower the rim to allow women to dunk, she said, "i'm getting really pissed off at you right now." yikes!

6) do you think white people could ever understand barack obama's speech on race?

- if the answer is anything but "no", what you'll get is an uninformed, defensive attempt to downplay the impact that race has on our lives as individuals and in society. if the answer is an emphatic "no", what you've got is someone who's been humbled by the impact race has on him or her and how it invariably defines people in ways too deep for us to realize explicitly most of the time.

- the trick to this is it applies to white people as well. if they answer "no", then either they're just honest and self aware, which is great. or, they understand their place in american society as people who may never understand, but can always try to, which is cooler.

7) what's worse - a self-righteous liberal, or an intolerant conservative?

- this question is awesome, but if you live on a college campus you're probably going to get a defensive answer. i think you need to ask someone who you can't describe as a self-righteous liberal or an intolerant conservative.... so self-righteous conservatives and intolerant liberals are fair game. my answer to this is that a self-righteous liberal is worse, even though in the end i probably agree with his/her views. i'd much rather hang out with an intolerant conservative and just bear with his or her political or social stance. (self righteous conservatives drive me crazy though... think ann coulter)

8) do you like the rain?

- most people will answer "yes" because rain is romantic, but the next time it's raining, find that person and ask them again if they like being soggy and wet. ask them if it's cool that they can't go outside without an umbrella and galoshes. i guess rain is cool if you're a farmer and you need it for your crops, of you're in a desert and you're dying of thirst. otherwise, rain sucks.

ok that's all i got for now. any thoughts? interesting questions?

the worst songs to listen to when you're trying to concentrate

2008-04-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

1) Lil Wayne - Workin Em

This is probably the most offensive song in my music library... too bad it's really catchy. It's nearly impossible to do homework, read a book or do my prayers while listening to it.

2) The Magnetic Fields - fido your leash is too long

most of my tunes are mellow and depressing, so when this kiddy-sounding song comes on, it always knocks me off course. i either have to stop what i'm doing and endure the whole thing, or go through my songs and find something else to help me forget the stupid stupid intro.

3) justice - stress

"stress" was probably created to prevent people from enjoying their music. it's sole purpose is to ask yourself why you have this song in your library, and get frustrated at the fact that you haven't deleted it yet. but aside from those things, it's a decent song.

americana for the people

2008-04-03T02:12:00.000-07:00

1) fleet foxes - ragged wood
2) iron and wine + calexico - prison on route 41
3) teddy thompson - down low
4) gillian welch - red clay halo
5) red house painters - another song for a blue guitar
6) bonnie "prince" billy - lay and love
7) wilco - forget the flowers
8) teddy thompson - walking the floor over you
9) neko case - i missed the point
10) sufjan stevens - romulus
11) sun kil moon - salvador sanchez (acoustic)
12) damien jurado - i am the mountain
13) califone - wingbone
14) gillian welch - i dream a highway

taking requests.

rock star painters

2008-03-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

someone's youtube rendition of red house painters' "have you forgotten". the video's interesting but the song is good quality, which is why i'm posting it.
Anyway, I was eating Wendy's in my car today while listening to this song, and I wondered why the heck they were called Red House Painters. I figured it's because some musicians consider themselves musical artists, and if so, these guys would be red house painters.... meaning cheap ass house painters. listening to this song, i'm pretty sure i'd hire these guys to paint my house. they seem like good old american folks.

A side thought I had was, which americana artist would i feel most confident in their handiwork skills. personally, i'd go with my man will oldham, as pictured. he just looks like he came out of the ground, so he'll have no problem getting down and dirty in any household problem. he'd have a ball cleaning the pool and fixing mili, our automatic pool cleaner that's always broken. he'd hold down our outdoor furniture during torrential storms so they don't blow away, as they do now.

what is americana... americana is music rooted and grown in blue-collar soil, beaten by rain and baked under the sun. it's pruned of insincerity yet it's harvested in bulk, in prolific harvests of song after song from some head or heart. it's like wheat, a crop so uninteresting yet a staple in our everyday diet. we all consume it whenever we hear a story, or when someone strums her guitar. the presence of the sound is like the beginning of a story, and it's heard, and it fades away and then ends. and then another strum, another song, another bushel of wheat. and it's all happening amidst pop music, indie rock, electronica and hip hop. americana is so obvious that it's hidden. we all recognize a folk song within a few seconds, but it's a partitioned activity, shelved for an open-mic or cafe experience. so for those who are working the farms, tilling the fields, they're doing so with john cage-like freedom. that it's ingestible is the surprise.
i've noticed here in california that people, especially the privileged, are really individualistic. they rarely ask others' opinions on anything, but expect everyone to hear their own. they champion social and environmental issues, but they don't particularly care about their neighbor. every week, my classmates and i ask what we did the past weekend. it's probably the most boring conversation i have that week. i don't know why we even care to ask... and i'm not passing judgment or complaining. i'm just noticing these stark differences between conversations here and anywhere else i lived. and anywhere else, the utility of the conversation is in the interaction, not the information. here, individualism is so cherished that they'd rather err on the side of indifference rather than a true acceptance of others' opinions and beliefs.... so they don't even ask about them.
but the not so privileged, from my experience, are not bereft of hardship. which means they're not left to find the next social cause to rally behind or to search for the next nature-y activity. sure, they give a shit about the environment, but they lack the guarded pretense and isolationism that not-so-subtly hides behind (and um... defines) the liberal, educated, "laid-back" californian. for me, talking to the tow truck driver was the highlight of my day. he actually asked me if i golfed before he went off about his golfing exploits. he wasn't embarrassed to say he broke three clubs in one frustrating day on the course... but he wasn't showing off either. he was just him, and that quality is hidden from me when i go to class and hang out with students and professors.
this all makes sense in my head, so bear with me. when i listen to americana, the part in me that longs to hear a meaningful story begins to resonate, and it shakes off the pretense of having to laugh at people who aren't funny or my tiresome nodding listening to some guy's weekend expedition. the voice, the guitar, it's the opposite of indifference and falsity. it's elemental, it's a story. when i listen to will oldham, i hear a real person singing. his voice breaks and cracks as if you asked your friend to sing you a song unrehearsed. he sounds like the soil, battered by the wind and the sun. when i listen to califone, i hear real instruments and real guitars, rattling, vibrating the air. the air! when do we ever consider the air through which sound travels, except when we can feel its space through the sparseness of sounds.
the ground, the air, the elements that speak through folk songs, they level people. it's like living in cleveland, where we all deal with the same 5 month winter. that common experience levels the high and mighty, so hills and valleys are not so disparate. in california, on a university campus where recycling is more important than listening, we are leveled by a common experience that americana brings. we can hear hopeless winters in folk music. we share the stories and experiences of a common struggle when we listen to each fading song, or strum or lyric.

home alone

2008-03-03T17:59:00.000-08:00

most of my posts are either about solitude or how i've befriended stuffed animals/tv show characters, or all of the above. this one is no different. i've been home alone for about a week since my parents went to hawaii. i spent all of last weekend sitting on the couch, pigging out on food and grading papers. i guess i could be doing that even with my parents at home, but it's a different level of sloth when ur half-naked and by yourself.

a more detailed recap of my weekend is as follows:

harry potter. they were playing the first 3 potters on consecutive nights, and i happen to catch all of them. (what's more pathetic is that on the second and third nights, they played the previous nights' movie(s), so by the third night i watched all 3 potters in a row). anyway, i've said this before and i'll say it again.... the third installment, the prisoner of azkaban, is by far the best harry potter movie to date. i think the first two were too expansive in plot whereas the third one was relatively simple. also, the tone is more mature and there are actual scary moments. the only bad thing about the prisoner of azkaban is that every time harry faints, the screen goes black, and that happens about 20 times in the movie. also, harry is frequently offered chocolate by professor lupin whenever he wakes up from a fainting spell (no pun intended) with no real explanation other than, "it really helps." why does it help???

bourne identity/ultimatum - i rented the bourne ultimatum on itunes and watched it one night. it was totally hyped by everyone who said it was the best bourne movie and really entertaining and all that. yeah it was okay but after i rewatched the bourne identity on tnt this weekend, i really think that's the superior movie. i know i know, bold statement, but by the third installment we already know bourne is going to kick major azz, whereas in the first movie, we don't really know what he's capable of and we're figuring it out as he does. granted, the movie falls flat after about an hour in, but that first hour sure is cool.

the cavs - they are awesome, and i can't wait to get danny gibson back to shoot them threes. there was one particular moment of awkwardness/hilarity during the bulls/cavs game after wally z hit a clutch 3 pointer. he hits the shot, then runs down court screaming in glee for the whole length of the floor. i mean, i understand an emphatic howl or something, but he just looked a little kid running to give a gift to his dad (minus the kid tripping and falling and breaking the gift.... that was the saddest moment of my life).

van helsing vs underworld vs blade - tnt had some kind of vampire movie marathon this weekend and i happened to catch all three of their highlighted movies... multiple times. i'd say i enjoyed all three equally, so it was great being able to switch from van helsing on TNTHD to underworld on regular TNT and then to blade on TNTHD after van helsing ended, back to blade 2 on regular TNT. watching two vampire movies concurrently is a great and easy way to pass 6 hours of what otherwise could have been a productive day.

i don't really remember the other shows i watched, but those will do for now. next weekend ought to be a little more eventful.... i told my friends at davis that i can afford an expensive trip to colorado for a weekend cuz i don't spend any money sitting at home every other weekend. man.... this post is really sad. oh well!

bagpipez

2008-03-01T15:12:00.000-08:00

i've got bagpipes on the mind. no, not jeff bagwell aka jeff bagpipes. i'm talking about scottish bagpipes, particularly a set played by a little girl outside my house on nice afternoons. every once in a while i'll hear the high-pitched whine of scottish melodies in my house... and lo and behold, it'll be the same little girl in the park, standing in her scottish gear playin those pipes. at first it was a true wtf moment but i guess i'm used to it.

i notice these peculiarities about my development because, on weekends, i rarely leave the house. that's pretty amazing since there's not much to do here, but i occupy myself with tv, the wire, lost and eating. and because i am eating, i feel like i'm doing something productive (that is, getting bigger). unfortunately [getting bigger] = .1[eating]^.1. actually it's more like [g]=.1[eating]^.1[working out]^.4[somehow slowing down my metabolism]^.5. cobb douglas ftw.

econ is lame. but what if i stay here an extra year, doing econ-related things? it is a possibility. i read on my friend's blog about this mit study about how having too many options keeps us from choosing the best option or something like that. that's subtly very intuitive if you think about it in terms of cost-benefit. if you choose a really good option, you could be missing out on all those other things you could be doing, and you're actually worse off than the guy who only has two options and chooses the better one... cuz his opportunity cost was lower.

ok that is all for now. i'm going to venture out to a cool cafe... one where everyone stares at you when u walk in, silently judging you. i'll fit right in.

better things

2008-02-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

i've been pretty negative lately, but today got me thinking. it's time for me to start focusing on the positives because, really life isn't all that bad. for instance, take the pictures i posted a few weeks ago, the ones of the beautiful california sky. well, it turns out the sky is like that every night. and every day this week has been 60 degrees and sunny. really there's no room for complaint when you're walking around in flip flops and short sleeves under a bright sunny sun. i mean, isn't nature the grandest of all wonders and most beautiful of beauties? i get to enjoy as much of it as i want, and that's a great thing. my smiling carrot friend thinks so.

speaking of sun, i eat sunnyside up eggs at least once a week. other days i eat over-medium or scrambled eggs or omelets. sometimes i just go with a banana and nature's valley peanut bar. or a toasted bagel with peanut butter. and everything with a tall glass of fattening milk. the point being here is that breakfast is awesome, and living at home is great because the fridge is always stocked with fresh ingredients. nevermind that i buy all the ingredients and i could have eaten breakfast in college if i woke up earlier, but at least the kitchen is really clean.

i bought a scale the other day. my dad saw it and, after a look of astonishment, asked why i had to get such a sexy one. but other than being sexy, it measures my weight, which i record in an excel sheet that i've simply labeled "Regimen". i've been noticing an upward trend as of a few days ago. lately i've been battling some 'rhea so there was a slight decline... but over a few months it'll be a fine little data set. maybe i can write a thesis on it.

tv on the computer

2008-02-10T00:13:00.000-08:00

a few months ago, about a week before christmas, i downloaded the pilot episodes of the hit tv series LOST to kill some time. i figured it was worth dropping a few bucks on a show that millions of americans apparently enjoy, a consensus agreed upon by fans also bought LOST episodes from iTunes:

"Bought the pilot episode just to see what video looked like on my brand new ipod... it was one of the best or worst decisions i've ever made.... All told, i've watched the entire 25 episode season in under a week. I'm $50 poorer, my kitchen is filthy, and i'm pretty sure my kids have forgotten what i look like.... this is crack disguised as a tv show."

in other words, LOST sounded exactly like what i was looking for, and it delivered. by the end of the first season, i felt like i made new friends. jack, charlie, hurley, even kate. they were my buddies, and i was with them through thick and thin. when jack freaked out seeing his dad, i freaked out in turn. when something new is revealed to a character, i feel their shock, their pain, their pathos. and by the end of season three, in that pivotal, memorable, heart-breaking season finale, a part of me was laid to rest. my friends were to be saved and life was to resume... both for them and for me. here's a picture of charlie looking very rockstarish.

but some time in between christmas and the season 4 premier (yes, i watched all three seasons of lost in a week), i needed another tv fix. as much as i missed charlie, i needed new friends. something to ease the dull and painful repetition of each meaningless day. and i found it in the form of this:

lol. jkjervy:

the wire. i've heard a lot of hype about this show so i decided to watch the first season. for those of you not in the know, the wire is an HBO series that's been heralded as the best show on TV ever. it's about the drug game in baltimore and the cops that try to stop it. my favorite character is omar, the gay gangster that kills at will, snitches to the police and still manages to stay alive. and also bubbles, the junkie informant who life just hates. the street is dangerous but alive. the police though, they're a machine clogged by guys trying to get to the top.

the wire, being a tv show rooted in reality, got me thinking. how can the drug lords be so efficient and elusive, and the police system be so convoluted? how can we stop the cycle of degeneracy - through political programs, better/more cops, tougher sentencing... or through subtle detective work and grassroots work towards justice?

but the main lesson from the wire is this: stay out of baltimore. as much as i love my new friends omar and bubbles, i wouldn't want to hang out with them in real life. especially not omar. whether that's a race, class or sexual orientation issue, who knows. here he is. hi omar.

i'm excited for season two of the wire and also the next episode of season 4 of lost. i'm also excited that the writer's strike might be over, so LOST will continue. i'm excited because these are my real friends now. omar, bubbles, charlie, jack, sawyer. my only friends.

life

2008-01-21T19:00:00.000-08:00

this is my life. from the top left, clockwise: my beloved bear, returning from his stay in my mom's bedroom b/c she was sick. in the background, my green bag and scarf that i use every day. then a pair of 15 pound dumbbells. i don't usually use those but i have been working out more at the gym. in the foreground is a stapler because students don't staple their homework, but fold the edges over as if that's supposed to keep the papers together. next to that is the wrapper of a clif bar i just ate, and a cup of tea i just drank. a calculator because i can't add, then a giant stack of homework i haven't graded, and finally the small, never-growing stack of finished hw.

this isn't life!!

i flew into space

2008-01-14T23:16:00.000-08:00

this night i drove through thick fog, passing slow-moving cars on my right. the highway ahead of me was empty, and the road sloped upwards as if cars were meant to launch from the peak, right into space. i could see maybe ten feet of road ahead of me, and the rest was white fog. so i drove up and up and up with no idea how high i was. at some point i must have been midair, whisked up by viscous fog and no gravity, flying over the fecundity of grass fields and walnut groves and strawberries, all the way to my house where my mom and dad were waiting for me.

normally when i drive through fog at night, i scare myself into thinking some zombie boy is standing just ahead in the middle of the street. i play through the situation several times, and usually conclude that the best thing to do is to just keep driving, to pile through anyone standing there and not look back. but sometimes i think that i should stop and get out, that my life is not worth saving at the risk of not saving someone else's, and that the worst thing that could happen is a quick trip to heaven for me. this alternate mindset comes from my cousin, who was so brave walking around at night. i asked him if he got scared, and he said he wasn't afraid because of God. i was ten at the time. he has a four year old now.

skipping school

2008-01-11T12:09:00.000-08:00

i was pretty sure my class started at 1:00, but a friend just called asking me where i was sitting. i said here, in my chair at home. but he's already in the lecture hall, waiting for class to start in just a few minutes. ...

this week i've been battling a certain soreness in my chest. the pain seems to increase every day, restricting movement in my arms and shoulders. it's from my stupid workout 5 days ago at fitness 19. like i said, i did every machine once. so between the lateral bench press, the inclined/declined bench press, the fly press, not to mention free weights and dumbbells, i think i broke my chest.

i suppose missing class and not being able two work out frees me up to write on this blog and, more importantly, run errands for my mom. this morning we watched "everyone says i love you", a woody allen movie/musical that features lots of famous people - besides woody allen, goldie hawn, edward norton, natalie portman, julia roberts, billy crudup, drew berrymore, etc.. it's a pretty ridiculous movie, but i think that was the point. love is as ridiculous and nonsensical as a movie that suddenly bursts into song and dance. musicals don't happen in "real life", as depicted by the movies, and to that point this musical is a lot more reflective of our lives as irrational and random occurrences that we run ourselves into. plus it was funny, so me and mom had a good laugh.

but now my mom beckons. she wants me to do some stuff around the house.

i was going to post up a photoventure of all the things my mom made me do. but it was pretty boring so i'll just leave u with a series on soup for my mom. the soup, not the series.

i bought this for my consumption.... my parents somehow eat all my food.

yum... too bad its really cold at this point. but edible still.

the soup side

water and crackers

and lunch!

i need to eat lunch.

Power Music Electric Revival

2008-01-10T00:04:00.000-08:00

Every six months for the past two years, I post something about how blogging is dying. Back in the xanga days, I'd try to resurrect some kind of xanga revival amongst me and my friends, but that didn't really amount to much. Yes, it was a ploy to get more comments and eprops, but that was kind of the whole point. Blogging was dying because nobody would comment on my freaking xanga, which would give me less and less incentive to post. But at the same time, I guess my blogging about comments gives my readers less incentive to comment. But. oh well.

Comments as incentive to post more often isn't as simple as inflating my ego. Yes it feels good when someone reads what I wrote, and is compelled (for better or for worse) to comment on it. But really, it's more the tenuous connection between writer and reader, the shout in the dark and the distant response, that makes posting worthwhile. Sure, blogging on its own can be therapeutic or whatever, but the most compelling aspect of blogging is the anonymity behind the posters and commenters. People can hide themselves all day to their friends and family, but they're their most honest when more than a few eyes are watching. When they blog, the illusion is such that they're throwing their two cents into a giant fountain that everyone and anyone can observe. They speak in the dark to nobody in particular, so they can say whatever they want.

Of course that's not really how it works. People who read my blog know who I am. But when I'm writing it, I don't see you and so a big part of me doesn't particularly care that this entry is really boring and stupid. If you were here right now, over my shoulder as I type this, I'd probably switch windows or command-A delete this. But I won't, because I still have more to say. So bear with me.

The flipside of this freedom of posting to nobody is commenting as nobody. And that's where blogging dies, I think. Of course people have to write thought-provoking or funny or compelling entries, but if there's nobody to push back or support or contribute anything more, then there's no ethereal connection, no call and response, no fun at all. And I don't mean to say anything about whoever is reading this. All the comments on my previous post were awesome. I think I just speak generally when I say that blogging is dead to make a point, like when Nas said that hip hop was dead. Maybe blogging's just changed. bloglboglboglbogloblgoblog.

I'm going to try to blog more. I'm going to start a blog revival. It's kind of like this. When something's at it's peak, that means it's going downhill from thereon. It's kind of like the revival of new wave in music.... it came and it's going, and the synth as the new guitar is already on its way out. sigh. Everyone and their mom has a blog. That means blogging is dying. and I'm kind of like Jack Shepherd. i want to fix everything. and i'm kind of excited for january 31. and i am hungry. ok bye.

2008

2008-01-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

2008 is finally here, tho i mentally switched to 2008 about a month ago. i know this because i started writing the year as 2008 on documents when i signed stuff... it wasn't that i just made a weird mental error either, it was just that i couldn't remember what year it was. it got to the point where i had to ask people the date, but they wouldn't include the year, so i'd just guess. and i mostly guessed wrong. =/ weird!

anyway, i had a little time to think about my new years resolutions. the most obvious one was to get more connected with God. but to me that doesn't mean getting more involved in church, going ice skating at the park to fellowship, getting plugged into a small group or whatever the usual God-stuff entails. to borrow one of fred's phrases, i want to press into God, like how my feet press into the sand, or how gravity presses down on me. its a matter of pressure and conflict. there's closeness and intimacy, like in quiet and in song. then there's the pressure that breaks molecules and bonds and makes me... better? like a diamond? or smashed, like play-doh. some are smashed, some are broken. God can be quite frightening.

so it's not asking God to be my bff, or just my Lord and Savior or this or that. he is to me the word that made life and gives life meaning, so not just one word or one description or relationship. God is the tree and the rock and the air. just kidding. i'm not into atman. no but really, the word was with God and the word was God. words were spoken to make the world and give it life. the word was made flesh, life that gave life made flesh, words that made life gave life, so isn't that kind of a big deal? but for me that doesn't translate well to ice skating.

anyway, my second resolution is to not be such a selfish bastard. it's easy to think of how things affect me, but i think it's time to stop being such a little b and suck it up. we'll see how long this lasts. but sub-resolutions to this would include being more helpful around the house, being a better friend to the few friends i have here and not being such an isolationist, at home and at church.

my third resolution is a mainstay as far as these things go, and that's to get huge. i just worked out at this gym called fitness 19. i picked this one over the expensive and glamorous gold's gym mostly because i pay just $15 a month, and it's totally ghetto. there's no smoothie bar, no spa, not even a locker room. its just a big room full of heavy weights. today was my first time going and i was pretty lost. i think i did almost every machine once (sometimes literally doing one rep) and i'm pretty beat. good thing i have my nitro-tech protein shakes to help me bulk up. the next six months in cali are like an incubation. no better yet, it's like a cocoon, and when i move out east i will emerge with an extra 30 pounds, which would make my new troublesome nickname obsolete (the skinniest man alive... wtf, thanks "friends").

what else. read and write. i want to read all the russians. russian art is dark and powerful, probably cuz everything bout russia is cold and oppressive, from the weather, the govt, the food, even their backwards language. i'm glad nobody reads this blog, especially not russians with the exception of leo on a longshot. anyway. i'm reading tolstoy now.

sometime in 2008 i want to move to new york and get a cat. and a job. but i don't want to sell my soul in the process.

well. enough of that. here are some pictures from the new year. enjoy!

we played a lot of sahgoo in ny. it's like regular pool but for koreans. consequently, dave and i sucked really bad.

mike and jay are actually good at sahgoo, but we've yet to see maria's skills at the game. i hung out with the above ppl most of my stay.

i went to the met and took pictures. i started taking some video but a security guy let me know it wasn't allowed, after almost tackling me.

i hung out with jennie and friends, and we got cupcakes from magnolia's bakery. note the similarity between jennie and me - not just our glasses, but in how our flat asian noses don't properly hold them in place. anyway, the night was marred by this lady who cut us in line. actually i didn't particularly care, but some of my friends were ready to cut her (like with a knife). btw, i wore this outfit 4 days in a row.

i visited my cousin in jersey, and he has an awesome wife, two crazy kids and one more on the way. lets see if i can't get some video working here...

his kids are adorable and have seemingly endless energy. rachel wouldn't say hi to aunt stephie. sorry staf! and yes i am still extremely awkward around children

i arrived in sactown last night and i had a full day of classes today. as i drove home i saw this crazy sky that i decided to shoot. maybe it was the recent storms that passed through cali, but these clouds were weird and they moved fast.

this is the entrance of the park.

this was the view of the sky at the end of the park. man it was awesome.

this was the sky after i found the 16:9 option on my camera.

this was a tree in the distance that i found odd and lonely, and then more of the sky.

have a happy 2008 everyone!

the ron paul revolution

2007-12-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

i got a chance to grab some coffee with a few friends from church. they're a couple who settled in sacramento about the same time i arrived, so we've got that connection. other than that, we don't have much in common, except that the guy's name is chris.

anyway, chris was wearing a ron paul 2008 shirt, so i asked him why he likes ron paul. he responded with a barrage of federal and corporate conspiracies which have tamed the masses for a century. but before i get into that, let me say what i thought about ron paul and his fans before this conversation took place.

What I Thought About Ron Paul And His Fans

1) Ron Paul is a libertarian, a label I loosely apply to myself.
2) He wants to get rid of a lot of "federal" and corporate entities that have been around long before I was born (like the Fed).
3) He loves the constitution, and would apparently get along with Thomas Jefferson if they knew each other.
4) He's against the war in Iraq.
5) Ron Paul will not win the election, thus discouraging me from filling my brain with anything other than the above, except that...
6) Ron Paul Fans are mostly made up of annoying conspiracy theorists and arrogant, too-educated kids who are convinced that ron paul will save the world from the clutches of evil america.

so going into this conversation with my friends, i had a few presuppositions that i didn't feel the need to disclose. after all, i wanted to be fair and open-minded in hearing why someone, given number 5 of what i think, would support ron paul to the point of t-shirt-wearing. some people clearly like ron paul with a passion, and i wanted to know why.

chris started off docile but as the ball got rolling, his true passion came out, and it came in very long paragraphs. so i'll summarize what he said. feel free to skip points that you feel do not apply to yours or anyone's life.

What Chris Said In Response To My Question, "Why do you like Ron Paul?"

1) chris wants to build a house in the woods, but he can't do that because he would have to build it according to government specifications, like having the plumbing installed by a certified plumber and the electricity by a certified electrician. he'd rather do it all himself, but the government doesn't let him.
2) the dollar has devalued itself because of a corporation called the Federal Reserve Bank, which from what i gathered is a monopoly that controls our money and has devalued it severely. he also said something about the gold standard that i didn't quite catch.
3) he doesn't want the US army on other nations' soil.
4) he doesn't support government subsidies of schools because these subsidies contribute to our failing education system [he tied this in with #8, somehow].
5) people helping people is more effective than the government strong-arming people in order to fuel programs and subsidies.
6) 85% of the media is controlled by five corporations, whose vested interests include not reporting honest media.
7) bill clinton was elected because he was backed by the bilderberg group, which i learned tonite to be a conference of 130 influential people who dictate the happenings of the world (a la manchurian candidate... without the brainwashing... or with??!?)
8) americans are very educated but are unaware of the societal under workings that control their meager lives.
9) for all these huge problems, knowledged citizens can fight back by... i don't remember what he said to that point actually.

ok so as you can see, chris didn't really answer my question about why he likes ron paul, but he did help enlighten me with a new set of thoughts about ron paul and his fans, which i will summarize here:

What I Now Think About Ron Paul And His Fans:

1) Ron Paul wants to help Americans move to the woods and build houses without the assistance of plumbers or electricians.
2) He will get rid of taxes, government programs and subsidies in order to allow Americans the joy of helping out one another on their own accord.
3) Ron Paul is to the scheming Bilderberg group what Chuck Norris is to bad guys - an inspirational character that defeats fictional evil.
4) He will release the vice grip of media conglomerates to the hands of the people.
5) Ron Paul will remove the government's evil schemes from the US public school system, finally allowing teachers to arm their students with the know-how to defeat oppressors (who to students are their teachers).
6) He's against the war in Iraq.
7) Ron Paul's fans are even more cynical and angry than I am (chris can build a house in the woods if he wants, but those darned government rules misplace his energy from housing-construction to anger) and this makes me feel good about myself.

and, finally, here's why i think the ron paul revolution is a waste of time and energy.

1) i have to fix the christmas lights outside my house tomorrow, even though i think christmas lights are a pain and i turn them off every night since i can see them from my room. but my mom likes them, so i need to fix them.
2) i have a take-home exam to turn in tomorrow.
3) i got food poisoning this past weekend and i threw up in the middle of the night. i had to grade exams the next day for six hours, and then take a two hour exam.
4) my sister is making holiday cards for people, and they look gr8!
5) i really like music, but i don't think i like micro-house. i've tried hard to like it but after giving it an honest listen, i think i'd prefer more ambient music or more melodic music.
6) at church last week, a woman challenged us to give up our shoes for the homeless.

its a grind

2007-12-11T12:49:00.000-08:00

i'm at a cafe called "it's a grind". the more accurate name would be, "it's a mediocre cafe with baristas straight out of the wb and too-loud music and random black kids dancing outside on friday nights." maybe thats what they meant by "grind".

also notable at this cafe is me, about to do homework, except with a green headband on. yes, it's a fashion statement (probably saying, "i am gay or i work at urban outfitters") but it also serves a functional purpose. it keeps my ridiculously long hair out of my eyes, which is crucial in order for me to dominate this math econ homework.

dan just informed me that this is "like the third post about being in a cafe. good job." well to that i would say, the previous sentence was the third - nay - fourth use of quotation marks in this post alone. also, this is the third paragraph. this is the third time i've said third.

but yeah, about the wb-likeness of these girls at this cafe, right now working is a shift leader and a cashier girl. the cashier girl looks just like kristin kruek from smallville, except this girl is more friendly and outgoing, and not really mysterious. the shift is older, and she's like the oldest sister from charmed. i've never seen a full episode, but i imagine they have similar personalities, and they probably look the same. i guess i don't really fit into this wb thing b/c there are no asian males in the wb.

here comes kristin kruek! ok... time to study and look smart. buy!

the tallest man, the broadest shoulders

2007-12-07T16:19:00.000-08:00

This is a secondhand account, which was suggested to me by the protagonist of the story. So note - I am not an obsessive homosexual, as some readers suspected.

When I walk around a big city with my friends, I admit that i take stock of their build, athleticism and fighting abilities. So, if you're a girl, your stock is very low, especially if you're hot. Being hot will increase chances of harassment or attention from crazies, something I'd like to avoid if at all possible. So, sorry my hot lady friends, we're going to have to hang out in the suburbs.

If you're a guy, you should be athletic and strong, because I am not. If someone random homeless guy tries to attack us, don't depend on me to do anything except run away (3 varsity track letters.... ok they were for pole vault).

or, you can be dave park.

Here is a picture of dave, who is comparably huge standing next to me.

Ladies, swoon. Men, swoon too. Let me tell you a story about dave, one that highlights his broad shoulders and validates his heroism in the face of danger.

He was on time, a little early even, walking from the subway to Clara Barton High School in the heart of Brooklyn. There, he teaches math, or tries to, amidst confessions of resignation from his disenfranchised students: "yo mista, you can't help people that don't wanna help theyselves." He trudges on, putting up on the board some algebra or geometry. Sometimes he'll come across a youth who, instead of completing the square, would rather "make you bleed duck sauce". He suspends such types. Not all of his students are violently resistant to math, though they do beg the question, "Man, what the F*ck is up wit dis chinese nigga?"

So there's dave's normal work day, which is today, friday, december 7th 2007. He's been teaching at Clara Barton for five months, life-coaching urban students who hurl insults, threats, duck sauce and racial epithets at him. That's what he had looking forward to his day as he walked from the subway to Clara Barton High school when he turned the corner, took a few steps down the street and glanced into the alley.

A few boys engaged in horseplay, he initially thought. Just messing around, like he used to do with kids at the tae kwon do lessons he taught years ago. He took another step towards Clara Barton, but his conscience tugged his gaze towards those boys for a second look. There was a black boy, in his late teens, on top of a younger latino boy, whose head was in the aforementioned boy's hands and was being pounded against the ground. A split-second moment seemed like an eternity, as the latino boy gasped for air, shouted for help and caught, just for a split second, the worried eyes of our hero dave. The black boy's hand fell down to his victim's pockets, searching violently for a cell phone, a wallet.

The defender of the weak, the protector of the poor, dave did not hesitate. Dropping his bag full of failed homework, he took a few powerful strides towards the mugging. the assailant wore a blue puffy jacket, big enough to conceal a knife or a gun. Dave grabbed the jacket, pulling the boy up to his feet, and threw him against the alley wall. "Don't Move!" bellowed our hero, in a rattling baritone that temporarily stunned the mugger. When Dave looked down to help the victim, the black boy took off running.

"Th..Thank you," stammered the latino boy. Latino man, really. He was an 18 year old custodian at the Brooklyn Museum, but that's all the information Dave got before the frightened boy/man ran away. So there he stood, our hero, gathering himself and the events that had just occurred.

Picking up his bag of homework, papers bleeding with red ink and mistakes, dave walked to school, taken aback by his own heroic instincts. The adrenaline began to fade and rational thoughts began to creep in: What if he had a knife? Or a gun? What if he'll remember me and come back, with bigger, stronger goons?

But if he does come back, Dave will be ready. Whether he knows it or not, displays of heroism spring from an inner light that never turns off. Moments like this are not exceptions, but definitions, so we can now see Dave for the hero he is.

Also, after this incident, Dave bought a gun, which he carries everywhere he goes. Yes, he'll be ready.

Ladies, Dave is single. Gentlemen, Dave has no guy friends either. Be his girlfriend, or just his friend, and you're guaranteed a strong, athletic chinese nigga when walking down the unpredictable New York streets.

And call me when you get to the suburbs.

(kidding about dave buying a gun, though i would if i were him.)

i <3 showers

2007-12-04T21:27:00.000-08:00

there's freedom in the routine, in being able to maneuver the turns and obstacles, knowing what to expect, what to avoid, when to hide or when to appear. maybe freedom is the wrong word.

i take a shower and after 10, 20, 30 minutes, sometimes i'll forget to shampoo my hair. sometimes i'll shampoo twice because i forgot i'd already done it. i'll step out of the shower and realize i hadn't put on any soap. once, when i started drying off, i heard the pop-pop of shampoo still cleaning my hair - i'd forgotten to rinse it off. i'm not being absent-minded. when i get in the shower, when the water turns on and rushes through the pipes and out the shower head, when it hits the ground like a jar of coins spilled onto the floor, except over and over again in a constant blur, something in my mind turns on that allows me to finally think. i get engrossed in these thoughts, which become as clear as day, or as obscure as night, or as trite as these long long sentences, and so inevitably the utility of the shower becomes the thought and not the shampoo or soap or whatever it is i forget to apply. cuz finally i'm free to think. it's the freedom of knowing that there's nowhere else to be but there, and nothing else to do but stand in heat. not that those things are bad, being places, doing things. but when i step into the shower, all of my expectations are met.

here in this cafe, i could always be doing more. i could be studying more, socializing more, being more perceptive or more introspective or more anything. i could be at home, at school, in bed, in a gym, in the shower, anywhere else but here. the freedom of choice is a bit too much, because i could be doing everything, yet i'm only doing this: typing, listening to music, drinking coffee. i'm doing those three things. i'm not doing everything else.

when someone asks me how i'm doing, i tell them. when someone asks me what i did that day, i tell them. i work well with these kinds of questions, ones that have answers. i work well with schedules that i can bend and shape, that i can maneuver and change. but this kind of freedom, the empty kind, is too much, the freedom to be nowhere at once, compared to the sad finite of here.

madvillian take me home. literally, home, not something more dramatic. the workers here have been staring at me for the past 15 minutes waiting for me to leave. adioz.

Creeping

2007-11-29T21:20:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to look, and for the past few minutes I've been trying to keep my eyes on this screen and nothing else. But I have to look. My gaze is somehow magnetized to this pole, and it's unfortunate that someone's noticed.

I snagged a good seat at a busy cafe in Davis and I haven't moved for several hours. I had worked productively for several of those several hours but the weariness of research had combined with my hyperactivity from three cups of caffeine. Not wanting to lose this prime seat, I resorted to people-watching as a sort of release. It's not just sitting here judging people. Sometimes, I can find an ethereal connection with an unaware stranger, some memory from my past or future. An asian man, looking for the bathroom key. How many times have I been him, and how many more until I'm his age? Some arabic students, friends who clamor and discuss this or that with fluid aspirations. Without the arabic, I've been them before, at a Starbucks in Cleveland, at Choco Latte, with Fred, with Prisca.

But as it goes, the inevitable cute girl had to take the nearest seat to the table directly across me. She was small, asian, probably a church-goer if one could make such a distinction. Nothing about her was particularly alluring, but her movements held a kind of self-consciousness that certain minorities have. She probably sees it as a weakness to overcome, but I like it. That table became base for my eyes, a place from where I dare not stray, lest I be captured or tagged. She's still sitting there, her profile facing towards a middle-aged woman on a computer, who is facing me. People at that table keep moving, directing my attention to them and to then her. When a guy next to the computer woman stood up, I quickly glanced at him and automatically at cute girl, and I felt two immediate eyes look up in my direction. The fastidious computer woman caught me creeping, and my reaction plead my guilt; I quickly affixed my eyes to my screen.

I want to take a break from all this, the watching, the watched, but my only other option is impossible. I brought along a book in case I get bored, a suggestion from my brother. Unfortunately, the title "Lolita" is imprinted bold on the cover, along with a pair of giant nymphet lips. For someone accused of creeping, busting out the most historically creepy book would further confirm the accusation. This especially because I think computer woman still has her eye on me.

So instead I blog. And not even in a blog, but in TextEdit, in tiny font in case someone's trying to look on. Do I hate myself? No, not at all. In fact, I'm priding myself on a recent mix I made. I got 60/60 on my last math exam. I am wearing my cowboy shirt.

I have many positive qualities that outweigh my creepiness in this moment, which, to my conscience, is important in getting a good night's rest tonight. And if I don't, God, let it be the three cups of caffeine.

wheat

2007-11-25T19:35:00.001-08:00

The trade of wheat globally is pretty complicated, as it is for all commodities. But I'm exploring wheat, specifically durum wheat, as a tradable commodity for my international agricultural trade and policy class. So far I've found out that I don't know how to interpret data. I feel like I'm learning a lot, but someone who's better with data would probably be able to see some significance in the numbers, whereas I don't. That was really boring to write and even more boring to reread.

Something about international trade is really interesting to me, but I'm having a hard time really pinpointing it, especially since I suck at trade theory. I think I like it because of the irony. People that are into development seem to lean towards protectionism, a good handful of them at least. They vilify the United States (even though the EU is a bigger culprit) as the protector of the bad guys, subsidizing giant multi-national corporations in order to further their interests. It's such a story-book picture, and for people looking to pick sides, the argument seems obvious. The US protects their economies, currently and historically, so country X should be able to do the same. Level the playing field, they say.**

Here in America, in small towns built around a single commodity, the mood is strikingly similar to that of the bleeding heart development advocate. Farmers can't compete with cheap labor across our borders, and it's our government's job to protect us. Like the Brazilian orange farmer, we've been farming oranges for generations. So why should you give some Brazilian a break, when you can help out your own people? Raise the tariffs and represent your people well, Senator. Protect the well-being of your constituents.

Both views are two sides of a bigger story, which has way more than just two sides. These views are ironic because they're so short-sighted, and they lead to protectionism, which if there is a "solution" is not that. It's like a game in which we're stuck in an equilibrium with no incentive to move. That is, unless there are bold and informed decision makers that can arbitrage a different equilibrium. I guess that's what Doha was all about. I find irony in people's negative reactions against the WTO. Doha was supposed to be a stage for arbitrage, where the influence of Florida citrus farmers would equal that of the Mexican sugar farmer. Still here, there are bad guys (the EU, the US) and good guys (the G20), a the classic showdown in Cancun, and further talks that might lead to some dramatic end (the WTO disintegrating). I remember reading last winter about how slowly things were progressing in Hong Kong after the last ministerial conference. It was disappointing to see how frustrating the negotiations were, and how they couldn't come to an agreement.

But who else will plead the case of the African rice farmers, besides the Seattle protesters and Oxfam (which is not an economic research group, and has an agenda on a lot of their "research")? Well, hopefully, it's the WTO, the Cairns group, and the G20. Cairns and the G20, in short, are groups representing several nations that mean to stand up against the implicit one-sidedness of WTO agreements, which are usually spearheaded by the big nations. The Agreement on Agriculture as a system is pretty complex, and to battle one aspect of it will just open up an opportunity for protectionism elsewhere. One might say that the G20 is fighting a meaningless battle, but I think they at least have the means to do it, and the influence to demand true liberalization and free trade.

I mentioned in response to a post recently about international trade that our individual decisions don't really make a difference. What I was thinking about was this: The US marks up domestic sugar through tariffs over 100%. That means we're paying more than twice as much for US sugar, and we don't have access to cheaper foreign sugar. So what the heck is an individual consumer supposed to do about that? Nothing, except complain, or move to Mexico... That is, until next year, when we've committed to opening up to Mexican sugar. We'll see how that fares. Not like anyone really notices.

Japan imports rice exclusively from a few American rice corporations. The Japanese people don't see that rice in their supermarkets; the rice is for cattle and sake. So Japanese cattle farmers get cheaper rice and make more profit on the margin because of it. Japanese consumers still buy expensive Japanese rice. Japan has seemingly liberalized their markets since they've "opened up" trade for rice, but not really. And what is an informed American or Japanese citizen supposed to do about it? Again, complain, move, or work within the system to change the policy.

Maybe if everyone realized they were paying twice as much for sugar, or that a few guys in suits are making bank with their exclusive trading rights to Japan, we'd be able to influence our congress to do something about it. But people just don't care enough, and the ones that do are fooled by a two-dimensional fairy tale about good guys and bad guys that leads to protectionism.

In what I've described so far, I haven't even talked about the play between domestic industries, the conflict over GM crops, or ethanol/biofuels, let alone really delve into the intricacy of the WTO, trade litigation and trade theory. Pretty much, I don't know anything, this is all too complicated for me, and I have no idea how to talk about the world market for wheat since everything is all messed up. If only the WTO would come to my rescue and make it simple. If that could be done before December 10th when my paper is due, that would be awesome.

** The reason why this view is short-sighted is because, on average, developing nations' tariff rates are a lot higher than developed nations' rates. So in the realm of international trade, it's the developed nations who want the playing field leveled. If the government of some small African nation brings up "fair trade", the US would counterpoint with the numerous markets to which the African country has access. That might not seem fair, but the point is that the fair trade argument would actually hurt a small nation. If they put up barriers, the US (and every other nation) would probably put up theirs. If the point is to improve GDP, removing trade is counterproductive.

Oftentimes, people bring up the infant-industry argument, which intuitively is appealing, but realistically falls apart. The appeal is clear: Industries that show promise, but need time to be able to compete with the world market, should be protected. However, neither trade theory nor historical evidence supports the infant-industry argument. Latin-American nations thought they ought to protect their manufacturing industries, according to the research done by Prebisch and Singer. In short, it was a disaster. GDP did not grow. Markets didn't flourish. Their manufacturing industries never took off and labor and capital were misplaced within their markets. How is a government to know which industry will flourish? How will that industry fare if other nations restrict access in retaliation to the protection? How could that industry prevent from relying on that protection and building it into their business models?

Arguments for this kind of protectionism oftentimes point to Japan, how they protected their auto industry. Who's to say they didn't do so to make more profit, and not because the industries truly needed it? Who's to say they wouldn't have recouped early losses with the gains from free trade, specifically the wider market access? Trade theory forces these questions, which then brings to light the possibility that their auto industry would have flourished anyway.

omg..

2007-11-19T23:51:00.000-08:00

................
................
................

i've just made the greatest mix in the world.
................

maybe i'll talk about it one day. here it is:

1) New Order - Ceremony (i took this song off the last mix and replaced it with a ted leo song.)
2) Pedro The Lion - Indian Summer
3) Radiohead - Reckoner
4) AmAnSet - Continuous Hit Music [lofi]
5) TV on the Radio - Dirty Whirlwind
6) Badly Drawn Boy - Cause A Rockslide [edit]
7) Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
8) No Age - Everybody's Down
9) Yo La Tengo - Sugarcube
10) The Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #2 (Laika)
11) Sufjan Stevens - Sister
12) The Notwist - Consequence
13) Deerhunter - Hazel St.
14) LCD Soundsystem - All My Friends

............. if only these track-listings could convey the awesomeness... let me know if you want one. if you do, i need ur address. email me at chris.rue@gmail.com.

No Age, Weirdo Rippers

2007-11-12T20:44:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's that i've been listening to joy division, but No Age sounds like, well, joy division. or at least they want to. the freshness of exploration landed joy division in a place they didn't realize they were in, whereas the kids that are No Age stand firmly in this information age, knowing that no matter how far they escape they're still here. They still use the internet. They have mp3s. I can't help but hear someone else in them, even if they won't admit it. They're a replica of an 80s post punk band. A fine replica.

Well. Okay. They don't sound like joy division, really. I made most of that first paragraph up. But the idea's the same. Rock died somewhere at the turn of the century. Bands like No Age do what they can to revive it, but it's just a time cycle. They sprout, they grow, and then they die, not before pollinating the ground for others to do the same. And the same they become, growing, dying, finding that the counterculture is no longer interested in being anti. instead, it is more inter, obstinately defending the power of we, against all powers and politics and religions. So these rock bands that eventually die spring forth new ones that die, and so on and so forth. There's no forward movement, just a circle. Rock is a ferris wheel, frightening for the little ones and nostalgic for everyone else. We enjoy it as much as we can, and it reminds us that it's okay to ask, to ourselves or to the Man, who the f cares? I want to go on this ferris wheel, no matter how clearly I've overgrown it. Well. As great as that self-freedom is, we have families. We have friends. We have a world to which we are accountable, people, nations, animals and plants. We're not ticking time bombs set to explode at any moment, fragile, dangerous. Not caring isn't cool anymore. It's appreciated as much as fundamental religion. You're free to not care, but don't start imposing that view on me, or anyone else. Keep your rock to yourself.

Maybe there's still room to not care. There's still a pocket of air that's safe to abuse. A messed up family or something. Living off food stamps and getting beat up by gang members. I don't know what it is. Immediate problems need to be more glaring and important than, say, problems in the Darfur or the US Farm Bill. And that's not hard to achieve, since the injustices closer in physical and, more importantly, emotional proximity to us appear bigger than they really are. So look at that kid in the suburbs who happens to hate life. He hates his parents, his school and himself. The Darfur? He hates that too. Burma? He is the monk, beaten by some societal force that tells him he sucks. The state of the world doesn't urge him to get over himself, but instead reaffirms his need to screw it all. He picks up a guitar. He turns up his amp. He finds refuge in the noise, a kind of demon that whispers in his ear, through the distortion and noise, that nothing matters. So he makes a song that says, lyrically and musically, nothing matters. And it rings true to a generation. The problem is, that generation has long gone. We're not so angry anymore.

Or maybe it's not anger, just a sort of self-obsession. America's not short on that. In fact, nobody is. Some cultures may appear more community centered, but I think there are selfish bastards everywhere. I get the point though, that America is especially self-obsessed. Since we have the means, we go to amazing lengths to preserve ourselves. It rings at least a little bit true for rich people everywhere, but the 21st century America is a hotbed for such people. The reaction against such obsession is just more of the same. It's the idiot protesters who trashed all the Starbucks cafes in Seattle. It's the World Social Forum. It's No Age. It's a big F you to any teenager who hangs out at shopping malls, plays on the football team or sips five dollar mochaccinos. It doesn't care about others' feelings, or the fact that they're no better for seeing the phoniness and not doing anything about it other than complaining. It doesn't care about the Darfur. They don't call themselves monks.

So what's No Age's tragedy? If I could hear an intelligible lyric I'd be able to say. But since I can't, I'll just have to say, suburban teenage angst, drug use, and no babes.

The spirit of angst that makes such music, while debatably dead, does indeed make awesome music. So hey. No Age rocks. And they don't overstep their artistry; each song is short and to the point. They still wail a big f you to the Man, even if that's no longer our anthem. Should they mature, they'd lose whatever freshness they have. If they can become more themselves, more focused, more ridiculous, then maybe they'll be great. It might not be a healthy path into themselves, but it will be enjoyable for listeners until the next cool band sprouts from underneath them. But here in the year 2007, with Sufjan selling out baroque orchestra shows in NYC, maybe we won't even care. Talk about underground.

gas!

2007-11-11T22:31:00.000-08:00

I type with one hand. The other is rubbing my tummy, which hurts on account of gas. Gas is debilitating. It slows me down.

What if, instead of tear gas, riot police somehow infected people with gaseous stomachs. That would make the rioters go home and drink some alka seltzer. It would also give those people something to talk about later, other than the evils of whatever they were protesting.

So, gas. What else. I'm listening to a mix I made for a fellow student in my department. Actually he is a phd student, married and much more mature than I am. Most of my music is pretty immature. So we'll see how he likes it. As it goes, the mix has 21 killer tracks on it, most of which are less than two minutes long. Instead of loading the mix with my favorite songs, I've decided to make the whole album enjoyable (hopefully) and complete. Here's my thoughts as I put this mix together:

- It's kind of odd to put, as the first track, an actual first track. The problem is, first tracks make good first tracks, whether on the original album or in a mix. What I've found to my liking is a short and sweet attention-getter, not something hyperactive but something nice-sounding enough to start the album off on a good foot. I kicked this album off with Ceremony, as covered by New Order. (a radiohead cover wouldn't have been bad either)

- I wanted this mix to be a little more mature than my other ones, so that my friend won't think I'm just that guy who listens to weird music, who isn't even in the Ag Econ program (we aren't in any classes together). So the real cornerstone of the mix is "Lover, You Should've Come Over" by Jeff Buckley. Truly a great song, and classy. But throwing in the best song after the intro didn't feel right to me, so i put in two filler songs. These kind ride the wave of Ceremony and land at Lover in a more coherent sense, at least compared to putting the two songs back to back. Those songs are: Track One off Sufjan's Illinoise album, and "My Roots Are Strong And Deep" by The Microphones. Each song is about two minutes long and solid in their own right.

- After "Lover" is another filler - At Last by Neko Case. This short one provides a kind of buffer before the fun, faster section. It's not sad sounding; if anything, it is triumphant. While "Lover" is kind of a downer, "At Last" serves as assurance even in the gravest times.

- The next three songs are fast and happy sounding. Some Feist, some Futureheads, some National (or, some The National?). I probably put these songs on every mix.

- The post fast-section-song is pretty important. Really I had two songs that could have served this function, so I ended up just putting them back to back. The first, Vampiring Again by Califone, is very chill and very perfect after a fast song. It doesn't feel 5 minutes long. In fact, it could be 10 minutes long and it wouldn't feel long. The next is Wilco's Forget the Flowers. It's not my favorite off their album but I think my friend will appreciate how endearing it is. It's a song that will make people say, "Hey, country's not bad!"

I think people like country more than they realize, and that really a lot of music is headed more towards folk as a form of storytelling and expression, as opposed to rock and roll. It's funny. Nas said Hip Hop was dead. Sufjan said Rock was dead. What's taking their place seems very clear. It's Andre 3000. It's... Sufjan Stevens. Ha. Artists, after they "make it", seem to want to push the envelope and reach a new frontier. The irony is that these new frontiers aren't new at all. America's the astronaut walking on the moon. America's the cowboy riding off in the sunset. So in space, signals and meaning get lost, and what's left is something ancient and primitive, or lifeless like techno beats and synthesizers. The opposite happens out West. In Americana, meaning is treasured like a pearl. You can hold it; it is self contained. It's the song. The album doesn't add up to more than the sum of each song; there is no sum. Each song has immense value and meaning, and since science and space strips us of that, we eat it up like candy. We know the getting of the experience is cheap. We know the artist's wasn't our journey. But we need something familiar to remind us that our experiences are meaningful, even if our intellect tells us otherwise. So the song as a story and the guitar as our guide. "Forget the Flowers" it is.

- This is where the mix goes kind of downhill. Boy With A Coin, Iron and Wine. I kind of just threw it in there, hoping it would fit. If it doesn't, I hope the cool afro-beats will keep my friend occupied. Next is Damien Jurado's Desert. I have no idea why this is here. My friend said he appreciated good lyrics. There you go. God... there must be something better. Oh well.

- Maple Leaves, Jens Lekman. This has been on every mix. The song has gotten so old and my friend wouldn't even get the Mark E. Smith lyric (i apparently don't get it either - thought it was park e smith), or probably any of the lyrics, since they're so irreverent. But I'm short on fast happy songs, so until something better comes along I'll stick with this.

- The home stretch... ok, the next was a late addition, since there wasn't enough happiness on the album. So, The Underdog by Spoon. I have no idea what it's about, and I'm not that crazy about it. Oh well. It fits. Then, Slow Show by The National. This band has a knack for catchy songs that seem more meaningful than they probably are. I say that because I've seen them live twice, and they weren't really that impressive to me. Live, the catchiness of the songs seemed more effective than their power, and there isn't any kind of personable or intimate spin they could have given them. That tells me that the songs don't come from the heart, and they don't come from some bodily urge to rock (like, anything off Arcade Fire's Funeral). So, The National ends up being perfect mix fodder. Not too emo, not too strong, these songs have no context.

- Hazel St., Deerhunter. Every one of my mixes is the same. But this song really is awesome. I almost didn't put it on since Deerhunter is just a bunch of kids, and my friend is probably like 30, and married and all that. He probably won't like them, but if by chance he does, then he is awesome.

- Finally another filler. Tape Hiss Orchid, Deerhunter. Ok... putting two songs back to back that, on the original cd, are actually back to back is kind of weird. I do this sometimes. But really, they're back to back for a reason a lot of times, and in this case it just makes sense. The preceding songs on the mix are force-fed and you'd want a natural break after Deerhunter's madness. Plus, what if my friend ends up liking this track?! It opens up the possibilities to so many great artists: Eno, Colleen, Sweet Trip, Air, Tim Hecker.... Atlas Sound? lol.

- Back for more Neko. Star Witness. what a nice song! after that is Faust Arp, intended to be something of a filler on Radiohead's In Rainbows. It darkens things up before Priests and Paramedics by Pedro the Lion. I didn't want to end the album on a depressing note (my friend is a Christian) so I threw in The Postman by AmAnSet, which sounds like a mellower version of the Pedro song.

So there it is. The ultimate 21 song intro to indie folk and stuffs mix.

what do you think?

edit: do you want one?

1) New Order - Ceremony
2) Sufjan Stevens - Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland, IL
3) The Microphones - My Roots Are Strong And Deep
4) Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should've Come Over
5) Neko Case - At Last
6) Feist - I Feel It All
7) The Futureheads - Meantime
8) The National - Apartment Story
9) Califone - Vampiring Again
10) Wilco - Forget The Flowers
11) Iron and Wine - Boy With A Coin
12) Damien Jurado - Desert
13) Jens Lekman - Maple Leaves (7" Version)
14) Spoon - The Underdog
15) The National - Slow Show
16) Deerhunter - Hazel St.
17) Deerhunter - Tape Hiss Orchid
18) Neko Case - Star Witness
19) Radiohead - Faust Arp
20) Pedro the Lion - Priests And Paramedics
21) The American Analog Set - The Postman

my best friend is my blog

2007-10-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

i have nothing to do tonight, which normally is a welcome reprieve from my normal routine: studying, eating, sleeping, watching tv. wait. why is that a welcome reprieve. oh. well usually i'm doing my normal routine with other people, minus the sleeping. so spending time alone is a welcome reprieve, i mean to say.

but there's a difference between spending time alone because you're tired, or you need to detox or whatever, and the much more unfortunate case of spending time alone because your best friend is your blog. today, after i watched the indians get slaughtered by the red sox, i took a pity nap, woke up and eat dinner, and went into my room to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the night. this would be okay if it wasn't 7:30pm. what does a guy do with 6 hours to himself?

but moving on, and speaking of moving on: i've decided to take these two words out of my vocabulary when having meaningful conversations: nevermind, and whatever. when i used to say "nevermind", it usually meant that i was going to say something stupid, unwise, or just mean. but i realize that if i think stupid, unwise or mean thoughts, then those descriptions probably fit me, and that should be conveyed honestly to other people. so i've decided to take that word (or more correctly, phrase - never mind) out of my vocabulary. whatever, i mostly just use that as a transition in conversation, sometimes out of frustration and sometimes not. but people interpret it as self-centered resignation or teenage elitism. so, goodbye whatever. goodbye nevermind.

ok. when i decided to write a new post right now i wanted to talk about music and an interesting trend i've been noticing. i'm still deciding whether to just bring it up randomly. is this annoying for people? to be so far inside my head, describing every thought? i'll bring the music thing up another day. i just thought of something else.

when people say or type sentences in the form "i'm ____, gerund ____", i can only think of one thing: lolcats. ur in my head, describing my thoughts. im on the compy, blogging bout stupid things. actually, the general idea of... gosh am i an idiot? the general idea of noticing something and relating it to something else is really interesting. yes, i am an idiot - that last sentence completely butchered the idea i was trying to convey. what i mean is, when i look at people's behavior, i try to reduce their actions in variables and parameters, since that's what i look at all day in my econ classes. or if you're a psych major, you look at people and fit their behavior in the patterns and trends you study. or, more interestingly, a writer, you see the world differently and it's all relative to what you think about, look at or study.

i normally find this "style" of writing really annoying. it seems gimmicky and obnoxious. next time i will just talk about music. next time you won't be in my head.

not my day

2007-09-25T14:14:00.000-07:00

it's not easy for a day like today to suck as bad as it has. at least given the way i go about these few more days before grad school starts. i wake up whenever i want, i grab some breakfast and then get on the computer. then i think about lunch, eat lunch, then go on the computer. random activities like playing the guitar, reading a book, or hanging out with my parents are interspersed throughout the day. but pretty much i just do whatever i want.

but today i woke up feeling pretty blue. so blue in fact that the rest of this post will be in blue font. it is a dark blue i feel, so with a dark blue font i will continue. so i woke up, a little bit past the time when it'd make sense to eat breakfast but before the time normal people eat lunch. i stayed in bed and finished the rest of Naked by David Sedaris, which is mostly a great book, but ended with a whimper. i was sad about that and all of that negative energy must have rushed into my bowels. because then i had major diarrhea which has lasted throughout the day.

my first bout of the runs forced me out of bed and ruined any semblance of a morning routine that i had developed these past few weeks. normally i'd get on the computer and check my email, a few websites and sign on all with a few keystrokes. i would mean to browse a thing or two here and there, but i'd end up staying there for a good half hour, doing next to nothing. there's this illusion of productivity while i'm at a computer, but the reality is i was probably more productive today, clearing out my system of bile and poop, than i would be checking the latest tech crap or reading blogs or participating in inane chat. but... wasting time at the computer is what i'm used to, and evidently what i'd choose to do with the beginning of my day if i didn't have a job, school, or any real responsibility.

so today i was in the bathroom for most of the morning, which isn't uncommon for me at all. i used to think having daily stomach pangs of varying degrees of pain was totally normal. it was normal for me to be hunched over on the can with what felt like my intestines pouring out of me. and it was normal for that to happen on average twice a week. one time in the church bathroom, i thought that i would surely die. i must have passed twelve litres of life fluids and i was sure my heart would explode under the duress from my body's cry of pain. i wondered how long it would take for someone to find me. i guestimated it would take a few weeks. the smell of feces would probably overwhelm the smell of a rotting corpse, and since the church bathroom always smelled like poop anyway, people would think i was passing some kimchi jigae or something. usually the extended thoughts on death-by-diarrhea would help pass the time, and before i knew it the pain was gone, and i'd realize i had been sitting on the toilet for a good hour since anything last came out of me. alive and butt-sore, i felt no sense of relief. just tiredness and insecurity - the next bout of diarrhea could be just around the corner. it was useless to prepare for it, and useless to fight it. i'd pull up my pants, flush, wash hands, and waddle out of the bathroom, knowing it hadn't seen the last of me.

today was nothing like that, except for my reoccurring visits to different bathrooms throughout the house. i usually spare my parents bathroom mostly because the toilet is fully exposed to the rest of the room. i'd never take a shower there either unless i had time to blast burning hot water to steam up the glass door that anyone, upon entering the doorless bathroom, could see. i mostly just stuck to my bathroom, defecating, reading, and then wiping with fewer and fewer squares so as to save toilet paper. it turns out my mom buys quintuple ply toilet paper, so really i only need one square to wipe and still protect my dainty fingers. but i use two, cuz using one would just be really weird.

other than my stomach problems, my day was... well, sad. sad and unfortunate. i thought about lunch and decided on stopping by Borders before i pick up a burger at in n out. i almost bought another Sedaris memoir, but something about that seemed like a trap. was it all just the same stuff, told differently? more elaboration on a story he'd already told me? who knows. i guess i won't until i befriend someone well enough who wouldn't mind me borrowing his other books. so i decided on a book that my small circle of friends seems to be reading - pilgrim at tinker creek by Annie Dillard. it's described, from my friend (actually from me, guessing what it could mean, and my friend affirming that guess) as a modern-day Walden, without the ridiculous flowery language. being that i'm going to uc davis, a school known for environmental and agricultural studies, and that my major is agricultural and resource economics, and being that i bought a mini plant for my room that i tend to neglect, i decided to embrace the gardening/ecology section of Borders and pick up a copy.

they carried two copies of the book, both of which had mangled spines. maybe some nature-loving fellow came in and read a chapter or two, switching off between books each time he/she came in. people like that probably don't care much for book preservation. they're probably the types that fold the book in two when they read, then put the book in their back pocket when they had read enough. as cool as that seems, i like my new books relatively untouched and unread by others. that way i could say that it's mine, and when i read it the words would be mine and the themes and messages would all be for me. even time i devote to reading is really just time devoted to me - i can't imagine being useful to anyone else while i'm reading. i can't make rice, look up directions online, or hold a conversation. i guess reading as a form of self-improvement is okay, even though it's totally selfish. if someone finds me reading, they don't think of me as lazy so much as intelligent, interesting, something like that. there's a peace to that - the same peace that people take for granted during a (normal) bowel movement. if you're on the john, nobody's going to harass you saying that you need to be somewhere else. really, you're doing the most important thing you could do at the time, and no one else can say anything. reading a book is a less powerful activity, but it has similar benefits, if the reader's goal is to get by doing something enjoyable without harassment from the people.

i bought the book then headed over to in n out, which wasn't the closest fast food restaurant, but had become my favorite. the burgers were fresh and the flexibility of their menu allowed me to order them "animal style", which means that they add some delicious things to the burger. i haven't quite figured out what those things are. but after today i've definitely become a bit more suspicious. as the story goes, i pull up to the in n out drive-through, which is backed up by other hardworking american patrons who, like me, appreciate the fresh ingredients and friendly faced workers. i do like i always do, ordering a number one with no cheese, my burger animal style, with a coke. $5.10 at the window. i pull up, listening to a sufjan-inspired band, St. Vincent. and by listening i mean punching the track-forward button on my steering wheel after each annoying five second intro to each ridiculous "song". there are a few keepers on the album, but mostly the girl can't think of a melody if her life depended on it, and her singing is stylized in a way that makes you want to squint your eyes and shake your head, or just end your life. i settle on a quiet ballad and turn the music down as i hand my credit card to the woman at the first window. no hello? no thank you? no nothing? maybe she was having a bad day. no person can be bouncy and friendly every day. grace. i will give grace. i pull up to the next window and the jolly lady hands me my coke and my mysteriously animal stylized burger and fries. i don't even check the back to see if it's right - these guys never let me down.

i pull up to my house and unload the carton of fries as i turn the tv on. something catches my eye but i'm too busy looking for "law and order" or some variation of it - i mean, criminal intent or special victims unit, not cold case or the closer or any of those other jokes of detective/courtroom shows. i carefully extract the burger and then say a prayer of thanks to the God who provides beautiful, piping hot food for just 5 bucks. as i reach down for a fry, something small and black draws my attention. i pick it up hoping its just a stray hair. and thats exactly what it was. a stray pubic hair. black and curly and laying under two fries i had just put in my mouth.

a more proactive person would immediately spit out the fries, get pissed off and then drive the ten minutes back to in n out to raze the place in hellfire, then find the pervert worker, probably that unfriendly girl at the first window, and make her eat a few fries covered in ketchup and pubes. the manager would come out apologizing like crazy, offering me free food for life. going back would have been the smart thing to do. but instead i just kept eating. i ate my burger and ate all the fries, wondering what the hell i was actually eating, what disgusting particles were in my otherwise delicious food. i tried not to think about it, because when i did there was little to no accident about it. how could a pubic hair "accidentally" fall into my fries? was the guy that chopped the fresh potatoes doing it in the nude? the inevitable truth was that someone put it there, but i pushed it out of my head. after i finished my meal, i couldn't help but feel a little sick. the fries were actually delicious, but still i felt used. i felt like the butt of a joke that some 14 year old in n out punk is laughing at right now.

but then i realized the feeling was just my diarrhea coming back again. whatever entered my body has or will surely pass through to a watery grave.

today is not my day. a pall of sadness rests over me, a sheer veil that darkens the otherwise beautiful California sky.

and later i'll be off to a bbq to schmooze with people in my department. i'm one of the new guys. it saddens me further that they'll be meeting a kid, ravaged by stomach problems, by pubic hair, by life itself. i will bring my sadness with me. i will be the rain that forces everyone inside. where we can sit and talk over coffee. where we can listen to music or read pilgrim at tinker creek.

steno notepads are in!

2007-09-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

there's this other story sitting right in the middle of my discovery of steno notepads. sigh.

i went to best buy to get CD-Rs for a few mixes i'm making. while i was there, i perused the DVD section, which mostly consisted of new releases and overpriced HBO series...es....serieses. and then i found myself in the science fiction/fantasy section, which was pretty embarrassing because it was full of naruto episodes and other typical shows that asians tend to love. but on my way to the end of the aisle i stumbled upon a goldmine. well not really a goldmine, but a sweet movie that i haven't seen in ages, but i'd been wanting to revisit: DARK CITY.

for those of you who don't know anything about this movie, it's pretty much the cooler, less pretentious version of The Matrix, without the insane budget and bullet-time special effects. i liken the dark city/matrix comparison to Glory as the predecessor to Braveheart. Dark City is a great movie that's overshadowed by it's stylish, more ambitious successor. anyway, it was only 6 bucks so i bought it, and i just watched it. for those of you who are curious, it's about a guy who wakes up in the middle of the night to find the entire city asleep. actually its pretty complicated so i'll just say, he ends up being like neo in the matrix. oh - and keifer sutherland is in the movie, except he plays a really creepy doctor. but there is one scene where he's holding a gun to the main character, and he totally turns into jack bauer in those 10 seconds.

anyway. the real story is.... well i kind of forgot what it was until i reread the title of this post. it's totally uninteresting. i went to office max after best buy to get some school supplies. actually i spent like an hour in office max, debating whether a notebook is more appropriate, or a binder of filler paper, or regular folders verses, again, a binder... whatever. the point is, i stumbled upon these notebook-like things called steno notebooks. i had no idea they were, so i used my iphone to wiki it, and even wikipedia had no idea what they were. so i bought a pack. essentially they are notepads, except they have a vertical line that goes down the middle of each page. they came in a pack of four, and they are totally cool. everyone jump on board.

also, i am very into running these days. i run around my development, around a man-made lake and back. it's quite beautiful, and even last week as i was running i saw a white crane perched on a fence. i was running in that direction but the crane didn't move, not until i was just a few steps away. when i got too close it spread its long wings and glided to the other side of the lake. i kept watching as a ran, which meant i could have easily ran straight into the lake, but it totally captured my attention. i hadn't seen a crane before, and i haven't seen one since. maybe i'll get lucky again one of these days.

also, since i'm into running, but i'm not into my hair bobbing up and down and getting in my eyes, i bought sweatbands. i bought a white one and a navy blue one, but i wasn't satisfied.... so i searched on amazon.com and found all these cool retro headbands and wristbands. i plan on buying them once i get a job. i could probably buy them now since they're only like $2.50 but... i am a man of self control and restraint. anyway, sweatbands, they're making a comeback. get on board the stenograph and sweatband train.

i got this from google images:
this guy is a headband model, and the url of the image suggests he goes to MIT. i don't know why, but that in itself is funny to me. anyway, i would look like him if he were korean, running, and wore a different headband.

here is a picture of a steno notepad:
as you can see they are pretty normal and boring. and as we all know, normal+boring = extremely cool.

and just to top it off, a picture that gives you an idea of what Dark City is like.
looks cooool huh. ok. that is all. goodnite!

i have an iphone!

2007-09-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

and my life is still the same. i try to use it as much as i can, and the interface is really cool and intuitive. but in the end, it's still a phone, and still nobody calls me. on top of that, i barely leave the house so i can't take advantage of the (slow) EDGE network. i've debated for a while if i should get one, but now that i have one i can't really beat myself up, cuz it was a pretty good buy. especially when i compare it to the $400.00 parking pass that's sitting next to it on my desk right now. $400 for a little spot on the top of some parking deck next to a field of cows. oh well.

i had a pretty good scruffy look going for a while, but i shaved and got a haircut so i look like a 15 year old again. just in time for my ag econ orientation tomorrow. should i play it cool and just go to stuff i find interesting, or should i be fully engaged, meet people and smile a lot? i guess we will see.

i went to this church in davis last sunday called University Covenant Church. it was one of those big churches with the big screens on the walls. it did have a very homey feel to it, and the people didn't seem very cool or hip. you could tell because even though they had all this multimedia stuff going on, most of it was pretty shoddy and nobody seemed to care. anyway, it was an enjoyable service and i'm glad i went. buuuutttt...

their worship time really got me thinking. "worship time" as in singing time. everyone was pretty much standing there, looking at the screens or looking at the very polished band. i guess i just thought that the singing didn't really fit in with the rest of the service. i mean... what's the point of singing if the whole congregation is going to just stand there. was it supposed to be an offering of celebration? some outpouring of their hearts? in human terms, i know boyfriends sing songs to their girlfriend and stuff like that, but they don't do it every week on command. and i know it is a command to sing to the Lord. but why at sunday services?

and then i thought - what is the most valuable aspect of a sunday service? yeah, singing, community, prayer, stuff like that... but i think the distinguishing thing is the sermon. which is important because it's not every day that you get to hear an expert's take on a Bible passage that can be confusing, misunderstood or just understated. so, wouldn't it be awesome for an alternate service to kind of "cut the fat" and go straight for what's really important? like, not even a sermon but more like a biblical scholar doing his bible study out loud. after all, the most memorable moments of teaching for me weren't from sermons or group bible studies, but from someone explaining the bible in a way that made me realize that it's alive. and, i bet people can learn how to do their own in depth studies if they hear/see someone else doing it effectively.

i say alternate service because it'd probably be really boring for a lot of people. i went to a service like this in florida (r.c. sproul's church) with my friends, and more than half of them fell asleep. but i do think it would work, maybe if it's less formal than i proposed. kind of like how muslims get together by the pillars of the mosque to learn from a quranic scholar. its working for them - look at all the muslims willing to die for their faith!

just kidding. and i don't know why i'm going on and on about this idea. maybe just thinking out loud. i should reward those of you who have made it this far in the post. i will end with a riddle, but i will not make a new paragraph for it in case someone tries to skip down to the bottom. also, i will add another paragraph of nonsense at the bottom to further prevent skippers. anyway, here it goes - what two coins do you need to make 30 cents, one of them is not a nickel. i got this one from an episode of scrubs. i guess u can google the answer cuz its pretty easy and common.

also i didn't know how to spell nickel so i had to google it. i had to googel it. lol! goo gel. anyway thats what nickel is. nic kel. cuz you'd think it would be nickle but it's not. i used to get pissed off at how stupid the english language is when there were spelling quizzes back in the day. i remember not spelling the word "dollar" correctly, and throwing a tantrum afterwards, complaining that it wasn't fair for a word to be pronounced "doller" yet be spelled with an a. i guess i'm always blaming something else.

delirious, cutting edge, disc 2, track 12. and crowder, can you hear us, track 8.

2007-09-05T17:11:00.000-07:00

i have two minor obsessions that relate to one another in opposite ways. one of them is bravo's hit tv show, top chef. it's amazing to see these very human chefs, full of neuroses and quirks, create beautiful food. their creations probably taste very good too, but i won't know until sometime in the future, when we can hook ourselves up to the tv and eat the food they make. anyway, i haven't seen last week's episode, so i've been watching a lot of tv to hopefully catch a rerun. i've seen just about every other top chef episode like 10 times each, so hopefully this newer episode will be in heavy rotation as well.

i realize now that mentioning top chef as one of my obsessions is pretty boring and meaningless, except in how it relates (or does not relate) to my other obsession: bread and butter. i think i've always been into not-impressive food like wendy's spicy chicken sandwich and Stouffer's french bread pizza, but i think my tastes have greatly downgraded. so while i'm watching marathons of top chef, what with their capriccios and tuna tartars, i'm munching on a loaf of bread and butter. so now, if i'm asked what my favorite food is, i don't have to think of the coolest thing i've eaten recently. because nothing's better than bread and butter! woooo slant rime.

*********end normal entry*********

i had this weird thought the other day. how we use words to encapsulate a thing or idea for our own convenience/sanity/control, but really those words don't cut it. the universe is not the universe. when we use that word, universe, many things come to mind, like an image of a bunch of galaxies or something, or just empty space, but even the images that word evokes doesn't come close to what the real universe is. so, the universe is not the universe. even our own world is a mystery to the brightest scientists, and the average person doesn't really know much about it. so the world is not the world. and if you think about it, it goes on and on. like, people you know, you don't really know exactly what they're thinking or what they're feeling. you don't know what it tastes like for them when they eat cheese, so what you think you are is not you, and i am not me, because i don't even know me very well sometimes.

and is it a western thing to demand a meaning for everything, to be able to sum it all up in one sentence, or one phrase or just one word? or is it a human thing. on a side note. i wonder what it will be like once i am fully human. i'm not talking about a guy that has a job and pays bills and has a family. i guess i'm talking about heaven. but back to the original train of thought. maybe thats why novels are as long as they are. just one word isn't enough to say what you really want to. or, in poetry, when we all know that the words represent the bigger, truer ideas, and so we know that when they say the world they mean The World and so we don't fully understand.

i S2 cali

2007-09-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

but before i talk about cali (or maybe this does apply) i just want to say that there is an annoying delay in this text box. when i was in new york, the delay was incredible. i would type entire sentences before seeing them pop up on the screen. but here in cali, the delay is negligible. what a difference california makes!

i'm staying with dave, sleeping in his bed with him. two pretty annoying things - he assembled his bed wrong, so a two inch board above the headboard juts out towards the bed. i've been leaning against it and it really hurts. the second annoying thing is that i woke up to a guy revving his autobike right outside our window. i wanted to give him a piece of my mind, but he is probably a pretty scary dude.

and the third annoying thing is that i'm about to go to the beach, and i don't have my swim suit. dave offered his oversized trunks, with the warning that they fell off of him in the ocean once. and the fourth thing is that staf told her friends that they should hug me and ask me to sing them my songs once we get to the beach. life's a beach!

i was going to add more annoying things, like dave's sign on/sign off aim theme on his new compy. but i'm a pretty chill person.

one example of how chill i am was yesterday, when i went to dave's church, which he described as a simple church. it was like a small group, and it was really laid back. everything was going great until the end, when the pastor told us to embrace one another, wait for God's voice, and speak words of encouragement to the other person. what a day to visit. but actually the pastor hugged me and told me things i think i needed to hear. so it was actually pretty cool! i guess that's not an example of how chill i am. but i'm getting there.

anyway, cali is pretty awesome so far. i've been hanging out with dave, staf and dave's roommate warren. he's a musician. he's a big friendly dude and he took me around yesterday. actually i went with him to his accountability group, so him, billy and i shared our lives and sins and stuff. thats how i will roll in california - randomly (recklessly?) transparent. so today, beach, tomorrow sf and then who knows.

buy

more thoughts on new york

2007-08-27T21:35:00.001-07:00

- there are no fat people in new york! did anyone else notice that?

- ummmm new york is cool.

anyway, i've been hanging out with my cousin in jersey for the past few days with my brother, and my cousin's got these two adorable kids. rachel is 4 years old, and she's probably the smartest most energetic person in the world. what's awesome about her is that she still likes me even though i do absolutely no fun stuff with her. then there's caleb, who is about to turn 2 but is almost the same size as rachel. i think he's going to be a professional athlete or body builder. he's super cute too, and he does everything rachel does. sometimes i want to tell him - no, be your own person, caleb! but then he's at the age where he actually understands what people say, so i don't want to confuse him. caleb is the cutest boy in the world.

aside from playing with the kids, i've been spending time with my bro lately. sometimes hanging out with him is more than i can handle, but it's been really cool seeing him these past few days. first of all, and most selfishly, he's great with kids so he deflects attention away from me and my awkwardness when the little ones are around. but also it's been fun spending time with him before he goes to africa for a year.

one thing he likes to do when we hang out is tell me about how much i suck. talking to my brother is like taking painful medicine sometimes. actually, it's more like taking painful medicine all the time, whether you're healthy or sick. or rather, it's like being prescribed painful medicine by a doctor who is convinced that you're sick all the time, when really that couldn't be true because you're just as healthy as everyone else and they don't take medicine and they're still alive. but anyway, i was a little bit sick, and i've been doing some moderately painful introspection lately. i'm resolved to at least get on the path of healthy selflessness, away from the black-hole syndrome that pops up now and again.

i'm excited to see staf and pdave when i go out to cali. and then i'll be living with mom and dad all year. my goal for that is to not be such a baby, and for me to be able to hold an articulate conversation with my dad without getting frustrated that he doesn't understand me. i guess those two goals are all one goal, to just grow up.

speaking of not being a baby... john apparently told mom that i'm really awkward around babies. to which she replied, "Chris Himself is a baby!" :*(

anyway i should sleep soon. because rachel and caleb will surely be trying to wake john and me up tomorrow early in the morning. -_________-

edit:
omg... i completely forgot about my rwc experience. it was mostly okay but... also very weird. i got there a little late, so the worship time was almost ending. i sat between my friends, mike and dave (this detail is important), and then the main pastor introduced the guest speaker for the day. the guest pastor talked about how his favorite hobby was making out with his wife and that we should all look at his wife because his wife is hot. later in his sermon, he said "i would not slit my son's jugular for any of you. i mean, look at him. he's hot." his son is 18 months old. [out of context... but still, weird in any case]

he would go on to preach a good, normal sermon, but before that he did something out of the ordinary, and pretty much out of the blue. he asked us to pray after he read the bible passage while putting our hand on our neighbor's chest. now, some pastors will instruct the congregates to hold hands or put a hand on each others' shoulders if we feel comfortable. but this was ridiculous! everyone started giggling, and he said, "oh, not for anyone of the opposite gender of course." but even if two girls sat next to each other.... isn't that still really inappropriate?

but to end this long story, i was sitting in between two guys so i just crossed my arms and put both my hands on my chest. i didn't want them squeezing my little moobies during a sacred time of prayer. but i did have my eyes closed - i wonder what everyone else did, especially the girls. i mean. i don't actually wonder what they did. but it does make one wonder what the heck that pastor was thinking.

thoughts on new york

2007-08-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

i've been in new york for the past few days, and i have a few thoughts and observations that are probably more self-revealing than relevant to the actual city. but here we go:

- everything is expensive, especially apartments. my friend is living in a room about the size of a folded out futon. i know it's the size of a futon because when we folded out his futon, there was literally no space left for anything.

- people need to make money because everything is expensive. i wonder how christians live in the city, since you pretty much have to worship money in order to live here. seriously, if your priorities are not on your job and making money, i can't imagine surviving here for very long.

- i am totally a tourist. taking the subway is such an experience for me. and everywhere i go, i need to know what part of town i'm in and what kind of people hang out there and such. i guess this is an observation about myself, and not the city. oh well.

- a more specific observation - when i was taking the bus here from philly, i saw a bunch of pidgins eating some stuff on the sidewalk. and i looked closer, and next to the mob was a dead pidgin, with its guts everywhere. but his fellow pidgins were too busy surviving to care. and i thought - that is totally what new york is like!! obviously the city still scares me.

- getting around in the northeast is so simple. trains, planes and automobiles. except, not planes, and buses instead of automobiles.

- one out of every thousand or so people is crazy, and you probably see about 5000 people a day. all of these numbers are made up.

- one out of every ten tourists talks about the above "fact". i know this because a couple sat down across from me and my friend at a diner and had the same exact conversation about the crazies in new york, with the same exact statistics.

- the chances of seeing someone you know if you're walking around is 100%, especially people you haven't talked to in a million years.

- this list is getting really boring and stupid.

i totally understand why new york is such a lonely place. there are so many people here, to the point where everybody is nobody. people live their own lives, which here is so demanding already. but given all this, new york is still a million times better than anywhere in the south. what little 5 is in atlanta is blocks of hipster living in new york. in fact, every little spot in atlanta doesn't compare to their counterparts in new york.

but then again, nobody in atlanta pays 900 bucks for a closet.

redemption gone wrong

2007-08-10T10:59:00.001-07:00

staf told me that my blog should be more lighthearted. so as a birthday present to her, here is a lighthearted entry!

i think one of the most painful things to experience is when christians try to redeem a part of secular culture, but fail miserably. christian rock is the first thing that comes to mind, what with CCM and koo chung and youth group praise teams. but i'm not going to talk about worship bands, even though a lot of them try very hard to sound like U2. then there's stuff like sports, and the countless examples of youth group basketball tournaments turning into a bedlam of 5'6" korean gangsters, 6'4" white/black ringers and a few on-the-court death threats. music and sports are great topics, but i want to look at more subtle areas of culture and society. so i'll start with humor.

i was in an officers meeting in my youth group, which were held in my pastor's small office. we were waiting for him to come, so one of us poked around his bookshelf and found a small white book called "the christian book of clean jokes". we all burst out laughing as he walked in, and my pastor got really pissed and the whole meeting was awkward cuz of that.

anyway, there are better examples of how christians fail to redeem comedy. here are some horrible xian jokes:

Q: what books of the bible do you read for direction?
A: Luke! Obadaiah!

Q: what book of the bible serves as an endorsement?
A: Habakuk (pronounced, in a thick korean accent, "have a coke")

i can't think of any other ones. which is surprising since i watched a whole dvd of christian comedians a few months ago with my family group. i must have blocked it out of my memory.

anyway, related to humor, the song and dance is an aspect of secular entertainment that christians desperately try to redeem. but the examples of failed redemption are endless. one blatant example is when, at my youth group's retreat, we would have a song and dance that would describe the rules. each year got exponentially more ridiculous, to the point where they had to stop the tradition. that year, a group of girls, all wearing low-cut white shirts, pranced around singing modified lyrics to an N'Sync song. all i remember was their "band's" name - N'Chink. needless to say, that was a failure of redemption at its worst.

but i will go on. in college, i found that the most painful thing to sit through a body-worship or christian dance routine that, from the start, was destined to fail. i wish i had footage from this past AMI revolution but these soldiers will have to do. i know everyone is well-intentioned and that probably a few people in the congregation are blessed by their awkward movements or muscle-strained smiles. but usually it's more like watching a child's piano recital. you're just so nervous that they're going to mess up, that you can't enjoy a thing. i have to look away and think about something else. and to be fair, it's mostly because the people that are watching don't know what to do with themselves. it's awkward when the performers' energy level is a few stratospheres higher than everyone else. so there's no hootin' and hollering. just blank stares. except for me - i'm usually looking down, or trying to make eye contact with someone else who looks like they're in pain.

i used to think that redemption was the way to go, and i still think that redeeming society and culture can do a lot for the Kingdom. but over the years, i've seen so many failed attempts. it's sad when events are geared towards performance, events that hinge on the redemption of the secular, end up looking like a clumsy attempt at preaching salvation. is it trying to do too much with too little - too little creativity, talent, understanding of society... or is it that we're so tethered by an orthodoxy that everything has to have a cheezy jesus spin when we know we can say something more meaningful in a more creative way?

that link was a joke. habajoke. but if you are a church leader and you're reading this, take heed - redemption gone wrong is more painful than just letting it be. conceding a few things to the secular world isn't so bad. let's pick our battles wisely.

a new me

2007-08-06T16:05:00.001-07:00

aside from the xanga import below, this new blog represents the new me. that is, the post-undergrad, post-atlanta me. now, i am to be a stranger in a strange land, learning the new cali-style life, trying not to get frustrated that i have no friends and no life. i will have to remember that wise adage: "mind the tree. mind the stone. 2 many mind." so, as i move on from xanga, i will move on from the tree, the stone and all else that gets me in my way of... of something. jesus i guess.

but really, i forgot my xanga password and i can't log in anymore. so here's my new blog. please enjoy.

my teenage feelings

2007-08-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

i'd like to share with the world a song that is awesome. it's called that teenage feeling by neko case:

if you haven't given it a listen, or read the lyrics, the song is about someone who can't help but be jaded after a series of short-lived relationships. she admires her friend who can be content chasing teenage feelings while knowing that the love will never last. that leaves the woman confused, doubting whether she can ever make a relationship work, especially now that there's been so many past lovers and past lives she's lived.

i remember liking girls in high school but never having the balls to do anything about it. so, in a completely unhealthy way, i was able to sit safely in the confines of my teenage hopes and feelings, letting them incubate into something perfect. when girls did come, they were short lived. there was the girl who liked me, who danced with me close at homecoming. and then the nice girl i liked who lived far away. they weren't relationships by any means, but they gave me moments that hinted at that teenage feeling. so now, i feel like i have this intuitive understanding of love, but it's mostly just the outcome of years of emotional masturbation and guesswork. and even though i've gone through enough now to know not to believe my feelings, i still do sometimes. so go figure.

but what's the point of this. i guess when i heard this song, i remembered driving by those telephone poles on the way home from school. i remembered the changing seasons, from the harsh winter colds to the dying green weeds. me and my expectations, suffocating under the pressure of my teenage feelings. now, as i'm going through another series of realizations about how imperfect relationships are, i think about how useless those vague warnings that people passed off as advice have become. they would offer their past experiences with phrases like "take it slow" or "no touching". it's frustrating to think that the person who's helped me understand what i'm going through is a woman who doesn't know me at all. and while i'm thankful that she did it in just two minutes and forty two seconds, i'm still annoyed that she did it after the fact.

but how could i blame anyone? maybe it's just hard to really describe what goes on when someone comes of age. after all, that's how the song ends. all she can say is that it's hard. maybe in all the teenage delusions of love, the only thing that it might just be is hard.

************

but really, the awesomeness of this song came to me when i heard the song 1234 by the talented leslie feist. yeah, it's a cool song and it has a cute video. but her writing pales in comparison to neko case. 1234 is about a brokenhearted girl whose teenage hopes of true love failed her, leaving her somewhat bitter. it's a cute song but the only purpose it serves is to be compared to "that teenage feeling", and also to give an excuse to beat someone up, particularly anyone who tries to do the stupid dance whenever it's played.